“Of course.”
I squeezed her hard before walking out of our apartment for the last time. Refusing to look back, I put one foot in front of the other and headed toward my dad’s truck, now full of all my belongings.
“You okay, sweetheart?” he asked when I buckled myself in.
I nodded as I swiped at my cheek. “I will be.”
“That’s my strong girl,” he said, then put the truck in gear and drove us back home for the summer, away from my old life.
The summer flew by. I found an apartment to share next semester with another student with the help of the Film Production department head at Northern. He had given me his personal e-mail address after my counselor at State had reached out to him, and had been helping me in every step of my transfer journey. I knew he didn’t have to be so kind, but I was beyond thankful for the way he went out of his way for me. My classes were scheduled, I had a new place to live come fall, and I hadn’t even visited the campus yet.
Feeling like my upcoming journey was pretty much settled, I started working with my parents at their deli to occupy my time. Any moments that weren’t crazy busy were the emotional death of me. I needed all the help I could get to keep my mind and thoughts occupied so I wouldn’t focus on Nick’s silence, but it didn’t usually work. He was a force to be reckoned with. His memory refused to be pushed aside, even though he had easily dismissed me.
The moments when I really started to miss him, I reminded myself that he had looked me in the eye at my old apartment and told me he couldn’t stay faithful. I also reminded myself that he hadn’t called or texted me the entire summer. I knew he was busy working with his dad, but no excuse truly lessened the sting. I felt rejected, cast aside, discarded.
I was so mad that he could go day in and day out without reaching out to me, showing me with every twenty-four hours that passed how little he truly cared. But then I was so happy he didn’t reach out to me, terrified of how my heart and mind would react to any attention from him.
I was nothing if not a woman of extremes and contradictions.
One second I was so pissed at him for not asking me to stay. The next, I was so thankful that he hadn’t. My heart ached when I thought about him not fighting for me, for us. Just as quickly, my heart beat in relief that he had let us go.
“If he would have asked you to stay, what would you have said?” Rachel asked one night over the phone.
I planted the heels of my feet against my wall as I leaned back onto my mattress.
“I would have stayed,” I said with a long sigh. “At least, I really would have wanted to.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why he didn’t ask.”
“Or maybe he was happy to see me go?” I said it like a question, but the words tasted wrong in my mouth. My heart knew they were lies, but my bitter mind wanted them said anyway.
Rachel laughed. “You’re being stupid.”
“I know. How’s Trevor? Tell me something good, please, and not Nick-related.”
“He’s great. I’ve got nothing to report except we’re really happy. It’s sick, right?”
“No, it’s sweet. You deserve it.”
“Thanks, chica.”
“It’s true,” I said through a yawn. “Hey, did you ever give Nick back the poker chip?”
I’d pretended to have forgotten about Nick’s gift, but the truth was that that poker chip was on my mind almost as much as he was. What had it meant? Why had he given it to me?
She let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Not yet. I haven’t seen him since he started working for his dad. But I will, okay?”
“Okay. Maybe wait until I move up north so that I’m really far away when he gets pissed off about getting it back,” I suggested, hoping that the additional distance would lessen whatever reaction Nick had about it. If he had a reaction at all.
“I probably won’t see him before you leave anyway, but I’ll wait.”
“Thanks.”
“You’ll be okay, Jess. You know that, right?” Rachel’s tone softened as she lowered the protective wall she always maintained, allowing her sensitive side to come through.
“I do know that. Honestly, I think I’ve been doing okay considering I feel like my heart beats in broken pieces now.” A piece of my heart felt like it had lodged in my throat, and I was thankful to be alone and having this conversation on the phone instead of in person.
“You’ve been doing more than okay. You’ve been really great. I just know you’re hurting, even if you don’t say it all the time. I know what Nick did really messed with you, and I’m sorry. I wish I knew what he was thinking or why he did it.”
“He told me what he was thinking and why he did it, Rach. He was thinking that I wasn’t worth staying faithful for, that he could never date someone long-distance. He spelled it out for me. I don’t know what more you think there is to know.”
She groaned. “You know I think that’s all bullshit. Every word of it.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” I said with attitude. Because it didn’t. What Rachel thought, what I thought, none of it made a difference if Nick refused to change his mind.
“You’re right. I just want to see you happy again. Maybe you’ll meet someone super hot at your new school.”
“I think I’m done with guys for a while.” I let out a small giggle.
“Ha! And that’s when you find one. What will Nick do if he finds out you’re dating someone? Oh my God, I can’t even imagine. It’s going to be epic.”