I hoped it only meant she’d switch majors and stay at State, but I knew better than that. Hell, I knew Jess better than that. She would never stay at a school that couldn’t help her reach her career goals. I wouldn’t either, if I were her.
“I have to . . . I have to transfer to another school.” She stumbled on the words, clearly holding something back from me.
I struggled to swallow as I forced myself to calm down. Transferring wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker. There were tons of other colleges in the area.
“Which school? You’ll still be close, right?”
Surely she’d still be within a short driving distance after I graduated. Imagining Jess leaving my life wasn’t something I was prepared for. And I sure as shit wasn’t ready for the next six words that came out of her mouth.
She shifted her weight, looking past me before meeting my gaze and sadly shaking her head. “It’s up north. In Northern California,” she admitted as another tear slid down her cheek. Jess understood the gravity that her moving held for us as well as I did.
I took an involuntary step back and reached behind me, my hand searching for something for balance.
Ask her to stay. Beg her to stay. Make her promises. Give her money. Buy the fucking school. Do anything to make sure this girl doesn’t leave your life.
“That’s too far, Jess.” Nowhere is too far, I thought, but refused to say the words out loud.
“I know, but it’s the only school left in the entire state that has a student-run television station. Other schools have it, but they’re run by other people. There aren’t even students in some of the stations, can you believe that? What kind of college has a program with no college students involved?”
Her voice rose with her frustration as my mind still tried to process the fact that she was leaving me. Leaving us. When she continued, I swore I felt my heart crack.
“And this school has had the number-one television and radio stations in the nation two years in a row. In the nation, Nick! I have to go there. I have to. They’re the best,” she said, the passion for her future pouring out of her with every syllable.
On a gut level, I completely understood where she was coming from and couldn’t blame her a bit. But my heart ached with every breath I took as I tried to hold myself together.
Not feeling steady on my feet, I pulled out a chair at her kitchen table and sat down. I didn’t want her to go. Hell, it was the last thing on earth I wanted, but I could never tell her that. Two seconds ago I was about to drop to my knees and beg her to stay, but I could never ask her that now. Not for me. Not for us. I’d never forgive myself if she compromised her dreams or her future for me. I wasn’t worth that.
“Say something,” she begged before sitting across from me.
“I get why you want to go there,” I said with as little emotion as I could.
“That’s it?” Her eyes implored me as she nervously twisted the silver ring on her finger.
“It’s the best thing for your future. I get it.”
She stared at me as if expecting something else, but I wasn’t sure exactly what. The table between us felt like an ocean.
“I dunno, Jess. What the hell do you want me to say?”
“How about something along the lines of we’ll be okay. Or that my leaving is no big deal, and we’ll figure it out.” She waved her hands in the air, her agitation rising. “I mean, I know it’s obviously not ideal, but I was thinking—”
“No.” My voice was firm, my resolute tone surprising even me.
Jess froze and dropped her hands. “No, what?”
Northern California was practically another world away. Hell, it should be considered another state with how far it was. And Jess still had two years left of school while I was on the verge of graduating. There was no way that I would allow her to split her attention between her classes and me. There was absolutely no way that I’d do to her what my old man had done to me, making me feel like I had no choice in my own life.
Girls were emotional—I knew that fact all too well—and if things got weird or bad between us, there was no doubt in my mind that Jess would put me first, before herself. She would put us first. I could practically see it in my head already, her hauling ass back here to fix whatever was wrong between us without giving it a second thought. And as much as I loved her for that, I could never let her do it. She’d skip classes, miss tests, do whatever it took to make us okay.
I’d never forgive myself if I was the reason Jess didn’t get what she’d always dreamed of. She needed to be able to concentrate all her energy on her schooling, on her future, and the best thing I could do for her was to remove myself from the equation completely, no matter how badly it hurt either of us in the process.
This wasn’t about me, and for once in my life when it came to a girl, I was making a decision that was the best one for her. She’d see that eventually. I knew she would.
“I don’t do long-distance relationships,” I said in a curt tone, ignoring the warning bells that rang in my head. My heart pounded, revolting against the lie that had just left my mouth.
“You don’t do long-distance relationships?” She repeated my words back to me as her eyes filled with tears. “But I love you.”
Her voice was so broken, so shattered, that I almost fell to my knees on the floor and begged for her forgiveness. It was the first time either of us had said those words to each other, and she was saying them now while I was breaking her heart.