I lowered my head, refusing to meet her questioning gaze, knowing it would kill me to look at her right now. “I can’t do it, Jess. I’m sorry,” I said, lying again.
I’d never dated anyone long-distance before, but I would have done it for her. I would have done anything for this girl if I thought it was the best thing for her. But one quick glimpse into the future and I was terrified. I was so damn scared that I’d be the reason she moved back home or gave up her education, that it stopped all other reason from entering my brain.
Her face was anguished when I finally gained the balls to look at her. “Have you ever tried? Being with someone long-distance, I mean?”
“No, but I know myself. Hell, you know me. I can’t date you long-distance. It won’t fucking work, and you know it.”
“I thought we were different,” she said sadly.
I wanted to scream that we were. I wanted to remind her that every single thing about her was different, but I kept my mouth firmly shut.
Her eyes started to fill again, the blue of them turning a shade brighter with her tears, and the sight of it felt like a kick to the gut. “Nick, you’re not even trying. We can talk every day on the phone, or we can video chat. I’ll come down and see you every weekend that I can. I’ll come back all the time for you. And you can come up.”
See? She was already putting us before everything else, and I refused to be more important than her goals, no matter what my dad insisted the girl in my life should be like. I wouldn’t take away her choices when I never had any. I wouldn’t make her feel like she had to choose.
“I’m graduating this year, Jess. I’ll be working for my dad in a month. I won’t have any free time, and neither will you once you get up there. You’ll see. This isn’t a good idea.”
“You won’t even try?”
Fuck yes, I’d try. I’d do anything for you. “No. There’s no point.”
“But, Nick . . .”
The tears finally spilled down her cheeks. It killed me to be the one causing them, but I had to stay strong. I had to hurt us in the short term to make sure she had a successful long term. I’d had enough practice being an asshole to girls in the past, but it fucking murdered me to act this way toward her.
“Because it won’t work, Jess. I can’t do it. I can’t have a girlfriend who’s hundreds of miles away. I’m sorry. I wish I was a stronger guy, but I’m not. I’m not built for that kind of shit. I’d ruin everything we built in a week, and you’d never forgive me for it.”
The words were bitter, tasting all wrong as they spilled from my lips. Part of me hoped she’d believe the lies, while the rest of me prayed she knew me better than that.
“What the hell are you saying? That you couldn’t stay faithful if I wasn’t here? Bullshit. That’s bullshit, Nick, and you know it,” she yelled.
I was so fucking relieved that she hadn’t believed my crap, but I needed her to. I needed her to think I was weak.
“I honestly don’t think I could,” I said, doing my best to meet her eyes. Lies. More lies.
“You’re a coward.”
She was right. I was a coward.
I couldn’t stand up to my dad. I couldn’t fight for my future, or for the one person in the world who I wanted by my side. Even though I wanted to hold on tighter, to make her all kinds of promises about how I’d wait for her and stay faithful while she was away, I released her instead. I let her go, breaking my own heart in the process. I might not be able to be strong for myself, but for Jess, I’d do anything.
“I should probably go.” I pushed up from the chair quickly, almost knocking it to the floor.
I needed to get the fuck out of that apartment before the walls closed in on me. I could barely breathe as it was with Jess leaving and taking my heart with her.
The worst part was she’d never even know she had it. She’d leave thinking I didn’t want her anymore. She’d leave thinking I was perfectly intact, when the truth was I would never be whole again.
The End
Jess
The door shut softly behind Nick as he left, and I let the tears fall.
I didn’t understand at all how he could walk away from me like that, walk away from us. Stupidly, I had assumed he would at least want to try to stay together. The situation wasn’t ideal, but it never occurred to me that he might freak out about staying faithful. In my heart, I knew he was lying, but I didn’t know why.
How could I have been so wrong about everything?
“Did I hear Nick leave?”
Rachel’s door opened, and she and Trevor peered out from behind it. I shook my head at them, sobbing, unable to say anything.
“Jess, what happened?”
“Are you okay?” Trevor asked, his concern genuine.
Pulling myself together, I choked out, “H-he broke up with me.”
“No way.” Trevor straightened up as if my words were hard to believe. “That’s not possible.”
“Obviously, it is possible.” I hiccupped as I waved a hand at my face, which had to look like complete hell.
“What’d he say?” Rachel asked as she rubbed my back.
I plopped to the floor, burying my head in my hands. God, my heart hurt. Every breath hurt. My mind raced while I wished this was just a bad dream I’d wake up from.
“He said he couldn’t do the long-distance thing, and he wouldn’t even try.” I looked up at my roommate and best friend. “I feel so stupid. I thought he loved me.”