I wash my face, brush my teeth again, and then sit on the bathtub, just in case I feel like throwing up again. After a few minutes of being okay, I leave the bathroom and sit back down in my chair.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I say, leaning my head back. “If this is what it’s going to be like for the next few months, my life is going to be hell.”
And it was only my first time getting morning sickness. It wasn’t even morning anymore, so that title is obviously false advertising.
“Eat some crackers or toast,” he advises, typing on his phone. “Let me search what you need to do to handle the nausea.”
He’s researching for me? Now that is cute.
“Imagine going through all this while having another child to look after, or having to work or study as well. It would seriously suck.”
I have a new respect for Faye and other mothers all over the world. This stuff is no walk in the park, although I know it’s going to be worth it, and I know that it’s going to make me a stronger person.
“Whatever you do,” he murmurs, cringing. “Do not look up childbirth.”
Great, just great.
“Why are you looking at that? Getting a little far ahead there.”
“I just wanted to see what I’d have to do in case in eight months from now you went into labor at the clubhouse or something,” he says, eyes still on his phone. “But all I’ll be doing is calling the motherfucking ambulance.”
“Ranger!” I growl. “You aren’t helping right now.”
“They should show a childbirth video in high schools. Best contraception ever,” he continues, making me want to strangle him.
“You’re getting off course now,” I say, yawning.
“Take a nap if you’re tired,” he says, putting his phone away. “I’ll stay here until Talon gets back. I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
I struggle to get comfortable in the single seat, until suddenly I’m lifted into Ranger’s arms. He sits down on the larger couch, and places me next to him, pointing to his thigh. “Best pillow in the house.”
I smile sleepily and lay my head on his thigh.
I’m out in an instant.
FORTY-TWO
Vinnie
I’M a little drunk when Talon calls me back. He says that Shay is safe, and maybe give her a day to herself before I try to talk to her. I thank him and hang up, throwing my phone against the wall. Arrow sits next to me and eyes me drinking straight from the bottle but doesn’t say anything. He’s been here before. There was a time no one even bothered to pour him anything into a glass.
“So Shay’s pregnant,” he says, always one to get straight to the point. “And you’re here drinking because you never wanted kids and don’t know what the fuck to do now?”
“That sums it up, pretty much,” I say, twirling the amber liquid in the bottle, then taking another mouthful. I look down at Colt, who is sitting at my feet asleep, probably missing Shay just as much as I am. “I don’t know how to be a father. I’m not even sure that I like children, and now I’m going to have one.”
“I’ve seen you with Clover, Cara, and Rhett, so I don’t think any of that is true,” he murmurs, studying me a little too intensely. “You’re amazing with them. Faye always lets you babysit—do you think she’d let you do that if you’re not good with her daughter? She’s a psycho when it comes to Clover. So why don’t you think about that? It’s all in your head, Vinnie. You’ve convinced yourself that you don’t want kids and that you’ll be a shit father, and that any kid will be better off without you, but it’s all bullshit. Everyone else sees it from a whole fuckin’ different perspective, because we know how good a man you are. I think you need to get off your ass, put the bottle down, and go and fight for your family.”
“It’s not as simple as that.”
“Nothing ever is,” he replies, standing up and resting his hand on my shoulder. “At least nothing ever worth it is. You know where to find me if you need me.”
He leaves the game room, and I’m once again alone to feel sorry for myself. Is he right though? Am I being my own worst enemy, is it all in my head? Can I be a father? I rest my forehead on the table, close my eyes, and picture Shay, her stomach big and round, her cheeks flushed. Who will look after her? Who will protect her? Who will keep her off the roads so it’s safe for everyone?
And who will help her raise that baby, if not me? Another man? I think fuckin’ not. Fuck, what am I doing? This baby is my responsibility too—Shay shouldn’t be alone. I’ve been acting like a total dick, just like Faye said.
Shay is mine, for better or for worse, and I’m hers, so she’s just going to have to deal with me. Now I just have to make her forgive me, make her come back home where she belongs. I realize one thing, I can break the cycle and try to become a father to this child, make sure he or she knows that they are loved, or I can be like my own father, the one I’ve never met or known. The one who decided to give up on me before he even knew me, before he gave me a chance. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want Shay to be a single mother because I wasn’t man enough to step up. I don’t want this baby to wonder why, for even a second, his father didn’t want him.
I need to go to her.
I stand up but then stumble, the alcohol hitting me.