Vinnie just laughs. I for one am glad he’s in a good mood. I push my burger toward Rake to make up for it, which he accepts with narrowed eyes. Guess I was now on his shit list, all over a piece of chicken.
“Are we still going to shoot?” I ask him.
“No.”
My lip twitches.
I look to Vinnie. “Want to take me shooting?”
Vinnie’s never taken me before, it’s always been something I do with Tracker and Rake, kind of like our little bonding moment.
“Okay,” Vinnie replies, and I can see his mind working behind his eyes. “Let’s see what you’ve got, Shay.”
I’m going to show him.
Right after I emerge from this food coma.
THIRTY-EIGHT
Vinnie
“NOT bad,” I comment as she hits six out of the ten cans. “I’m actually pretty fuckin’ impressed.”
She smiles widely, and aims for one of the cans left standing. I ask her if I can take a shot, then hit down the remaining cans.
“Team effort,” she says, moving to stand next to me. “Vinnie, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I was going to tell you tonight, but we’re here, all alone so . . .”
I put the safety on the gun and ask distractedly, “Is this the future talk?”
She nods.
To be honest, I don’t really want to have this talk right now, mainly because I’m terrible at being open about my feelings and shit, but if she really wants some reassurance about us, I’ll try my best to give it to her.
“I want to be with you, Shay,” I tell her. “I know we haven’t been together long, but I don’t give a fuck. I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you in my life, I’ve never felt like this before, like I just know you’re mine, you know?” She nods, and I take a deep breath, needing to get the words out. “I will give you everything in my power to give, do anything to make you happy, but you need to know a few things. A life with me means no marriage and no children.” Her face falls, but I keep going, wanting her to know that it has nothing to do with her. “I don’t really believe in marriage. I don’t think two people have to be married, it’s just a piece of paper, and I’ve always known I’d never get married. You know the childhood I had, in foster care until I was eighteen, and I just never planned on having any children in my life. I don’t think I’d be a good role model, I never had a father, so I have no idea how to be one. I want you, Shay, more than anything, so I just really hope you want me back enough to still be with me.”
She stays frozen for a few seconds, then schools her expression. It fuckin’ kills me that she’s hiding her emotions when she hasn’t done it since we first met.
“I see,” she says, not looking me in the eye. “This is a lot to process, Vinnie.”
“I know,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck. “And I should have told you sooner. I really think we could be happy, Shay; we don’t need kids or a piece of paper for us to have an amazing, fulfilling life together.”
“I know,” she says, seeming distracted. Needing to touch her, I bring her against my body, hugging her in my arms.
“Let’s go home. We can talk about this some more, if you like, or we can discuss it later after you’ve gathered your thoughts.”
I was just 100 percent honest with her.
I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t want her to leave, but she has to know what I’m thinking and feeling, where my head is at. I want both of us to be happy, and she definitely deserves my honesty. She’s quiet as we walk back through the woods to the bike, and it’s almost as if I can feel her withdraw from me. I almost wish I could take the words back, but I can’t, and I shouldn’t have to. I can only hope that she understands and can find it in her to give us a chance. She leans against my back on the ride home, giving me hope that she isn’t trying to distance herself, because she doesn’t need to hold on to me so closely.
Maybe I’m just looking into things that aren’t there though. She’s quiet—too quiet as we get off the bike and walk inside the clubhouse. She doesn’t even smile or tease Rake when we pass him, and he makes a chicken-licker joke. She just goes straight into our room, gets into bed, and takes Lana’s new book from the side table and starts to read it. I decide to give her a little time alone before I try to talk to her again, so I sit in the game room with a beer and think about what the fuck I’m going to do if she decides I’m not worth it. It’s a lot to ask of any woman, I know, especially because some dream of being mothers their whole lives. Then again, more and more women are opting not to have children too. Shay never mentioned wanting kids, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t. It probably means I should have brought the topic up a long time ago.
Yeah, I fucked up.
One hour and two beers later, I walk into our room to find her asleep. I remove my shoes and slide in next to her, wrapping my arms around her tightly. “I love you, Shay,” I whisper to her. “Please don’t leave me.”
* * *
The next morning, I find her awake early, already showered and dressed and sitting in the kitchen, eating some toast.
“’Morning, you’re up early.”
She smiles, but it seems forced. “I couldn’t sleep. What are your plans for today?”
“Sin wants some help painting his house today,” I say, scanning her face. “Do you want to come? Faye will be here though, because the paint smell apparently isn’t good for the baby.”