“How are you?” he asks, gesturing for me to sit down.
I do so and want to tell him we don’t need to bother with the small talk, instead reply with a polite, “Fine, thank you.”
“You left,” he says, voice catching. “Without a word. You acted like you’d be there that night, then just bailed.”
I know that he knows about the pregnancy, because Faye admitted she told him so, but it looks like he’s working up to the subject.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” I admit, wringing my hands together. “I panicked. I felt alone, Vinnie, and yes, I just bailed. I honestly didn’t know what else to do.”
And he didn’t come after me. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for, but he didn’t come after me straightaway. Probably because he heard about the baby and reacted just how I thought he would.
“You left because you didn’t want to tell me about the baby, because you thought I’d what . . . tell you to get rid of it?” he asks, brown eyes sad, pain etched across his face. Why was the pain there? Because I was wrong or because I was right?
I decide to be painfully honest and just put everything out there.
“In my mind, I had three options, Vinnie. Have an abortion and not be able to look myself in the mirror; to keep you, stay with you, and have you resent and grow to hate me and possibly even the child; or leave and have this baby on my own. I chose option three.”
He looks away from me, and I see his throat work as he swallows. “Fuck, Shay. I’ve been such an asshole. I want you to know that I’m so sorry, I’m sorry you couldn’t come to me with this, I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with everything alone, and I’m sorry it took me time to figure all this out.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I’ve been so fuckin’ selfish, and only seeing it from my point of view, but here’s what you have to know. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Why are you saying it now?” I fire back, feeling a spark of anger. He only tells me he loves me now? When he’s apologizing? He should have told me the moment he knew, or maybe he only just realized when I left.
He comes over to me, sits down, and takes my hand in his. “I’ve never loved a woman before, Shay. Never been in love with one, until you. I wanted to make sure it was love, I didn’t even know how to tell if that’s what it was. But I don’t want to live without you, you consume my every thought, and I’d fuckin’ do anything for you. I know that’s what love is, and I should have told you sooner. I should have done a lot of things sooner, and differently. All I’m asking is for a chance to make things right.”
“You said you never ever want children, Vinnie, and now I’m having one. You can’t just change your mind. You made your views on that very clear. I don’t know if there’s any way we can fix this. I’ll always think in the back of my mind that this isn’t what you wanted, and fear that you’ll grow to resent me.” I try to explain what’s going on in my head. It wasn’t as simple as just saying “I forgive you; let’s work on it.” To be happiest, he said he wanted to live at the clubhouse, not have any children, and not be married. There was no room for compromise.
“Would I have ever wanted you to get pregnant? No,” he admits, wincing as the honest words leave his mouth. “But you are, and Faye said something to me when she was yelling at me yesterday—she said a man becomes a father the moment he holds his baby for the first time. I want that, I want to be there for that, I want to see the beautiful baby we made together. Most of all, Shay, I want to try. Losing you isn’t an option, living without you sure as hell isn’t an option, and I’ve been so stubborn, so sure about what I think will make me happy, I’ve been fuckin’ stupid. You make me happy, and this baby, I want the baby to know that he or she is loved. I never want our kid to have to ask where her father is. Arrow said I’m great with Clover, and that Faye thinks so, so maybe I could try to be the father that I never had.”
My heart breaks at his words, at the childhood insecurities appearing when he talks about being a father. His parents abandoned him, and he didn’t have a good life growing up. He never even talks about it, besides saying he was moved from house to house, and no one adopted him. He must genuinely think he wouldn’t be a good father, maybe until he heard Arrow say Faye’s words. He needed to hear reassurance, and I hadn’t given him any of that. Instead, I just left, assuming the worst, which probably made him feel as if he was right—he wasn’t father material.
“I think you’d be an amazing father, Vinnie,” I tell him, squeezing his hand. “Faye is right: Clover adores you, and I’ve seen the two of you together. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped, like one day you wake up and think that this isn’t the life you wanted. I think you need to make sure that this is what you want, that you’re willing to be more open-minded about the future. I’m happy with only having one child, I’m not asking for any more, what I’m asking for is for you to be willing to give this child everything, your love and your attention, and not once look at him or her and think that the baby isn’t what you wanted.”
“I’d never make my child, or any child for that matter, feel not wanted,” he says, looking me in the eye. “I fucked up, I admit it. I freaked out, okay? I was in shock, and I needed to think real fuckin’ deeply about a few things. But please don’t hold it against me, Shay. I’m going to try to be the best man for you and the best father to our child.” He puts his hand on my stomach. “I know nothing about babies, I don’t know how to change one, or feed one, or anything else, but I’ll learn. I know nothing about children of any age. My only experience has been with Clover, Cara, and Rhett, and they’re all about the same age, so it’s almost like you’re getting two children here, because you’re going to have to teach me what to do too.”