I stare at her, blinking rapidly as the tears begin to come. “I never told him that I love him.”
“Ah, baby,” Kat says and pulls me in for a hug.
“I trusted him. I let my guard down with him.” I pull out of Kat’s arms and plop down on the floor in defeat. “I told him everything about the modeling days.”
“Everything?” Cami asks in surprise.
“Everything. I told him about my parents, and I let myself be vulnerable with him. I snuggled with him, for fuck sake, and I hate to snuggle!”
“Boy, don’t we know it,” Riley mutters and swigs her vodka.
The sobs are coming hard now, making me shake with every breath I take. I’m pretty sure snot is running down my chin.
And I don’t freaking care.
“I fell so hard for him! Most of the time I don’t give any fucks. Not one. But this time I gave fucks,” I say to Cami, who nods with wide eyes. “I gave lots of fucks, Cam. I’m a prostitute of feelings.”
“I don’t think you need to call yourself a feeling hooker,” Mia says wisely. “Having feelings is good.”
“Having feelings fucking sucks,” Kat mutters with a shake of the head. “Especially when it comes to men, because when we care, we give them the power to stomp our hearts into dust.”
“We do,” I say between broken sobs. “And it hurts so much, you guys. I didn’t know I could hurt like this.” I shake my head violently. “I didn’t know.”
“This is why you can’t text him,” Kat says and brushes my hair back over my shoulder. “Because he’ll respond, and then it’ll just keep hurting.”
“I don’t want it to hurt anymore,” I whisper and wipe at my eyes, then stare at the mascara smeared across the back of my hand. “I’m so tired of hurting. I’m so tired of being thrown away as if I’m nothing.”
“You’re not nothing,” Riley says, her voice hard and angry.
“But they toss me aside like I’m nothing,” I reply, wiping at the other eye.
“Who are they?” Mia asks.
“Men. My parents.” I swallow hard. “Jake. Jake tossed me aside like I’m nothing. And that one hurts the most because I could see a future with him, you guys. I’m not saying that I’d picked out a dress or anything, but he was just so easy to be with, that when I thought about being with him forever, it didn’t scare the piss out of me.”
“That’s so sweet,” Cami says, wiping at her own eyes.
“I know.” I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “Are there tissues?”
“I think we’re all too drunk to try to go find some,” Mia says. So I just wipe my nose again on my shirt, then lie down flat on the carpet, my face cradled on the back of my hand.
“I miss him already.”
IT’S REALLY, REALLY bright in here. And my eyes are closed. I groan and open one eye, just a slit, to find that all of the lights are still on in Cami’s living room, and all of my friends are passed out on the floor and the couch. Actually, it looks like Cami and Riley are cuddling on the couch, both snoring.
At least I’m not the only one who snores.
I roll onto my back and the first wave of nausea kicks in violently.
So violently, that I stand up and run for the bathroom, then when I get there I fall to my knees and throw up into the toilet. So much that I’m pretty sure I just lost some vital organs.
Suddenly, someone presses a cold washcloth to my neck, but I can’t even look back to see who as I continue to hurl. My stomach is heaving so hard I can’t breathe and I can feel my face going beat red.
God, this hurts.
Everything hurts.
“Oh my God,” I wail when I’m able to take a breath, my face still halfway into the bowl.
“I’m so sorry, Add,” Mia whispers, rubbing big circles around my back. She flips the cloth over so I get the cool side on my skin. “I’m so very sorry.”
“Make it stop, Mia.” I’m begging and sobbing, and then throwing up some more. I can’t stop throwing up.
I can’t stop hurting.
“It’ll get better,” she croons, holding my hair back. “I know it hurts so much now that you want to die, but it’ll get better. I promise.”
Mia would know. Mia’s been here.
I lay my cheek on the toilet seat and try not to think about the fact that my cheek is on a toilet seat. I don’t think it’s wise to move yet.
“He said he couldn’t do it, and when I asked him what he couldn’t do, he said he couldn’t do us.”
“Bastard.”
“But he didn’t tell me why and that hurts almost as much because I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Oh sweetie, I don’t think you did anything wrong.” She’s brushing her fingers through my hair, soothing me.
“I must have done something, Mia. You don’t dump someone for no reason.”
“Dickery,” she whispers, making me chuckle.
“The thing is, he’s not a dick. But I guess he’s not my problem anymore.” That makes me tear up all over again. “I miss him.”
“I know.”
“I loved the way he touched me. He made me feel important, Mia.”
I hear her sniffle, making me cry harder. I’m so fucking sick of crying. “And I hate sounding so damn whiny, because I’m not a whiner.”