What?
I blink at her for a moment, then stand up and pace away.
“Is that why you broke up the band, J? Because you thought that you’d somehow fuck up their lives too?”
“No,” I reply honestly. “That might have been part of it, but your accident messed me up, C. I couldn’t perform for a long time after it. It was a wake-up call for sure, and I’m thankful for that because it made me take a look at myself and cut out everything toxic in my life. A lot of those toxins were because of the band. But damn, I missed the music.”
“And now you have it again,” she replies. “You make a good living doing what you love and you get to perform for people too. It’s a pretty great gig.”
I nod.
“And you have Addie.”
“No, I don’t.”
But, oh God, how I want her.
“Do you love her?”
“More than I can tell you,” I reply immediately. “But I told her that I can’t do a relationship with her. I hurt us both pretty badly, C.”
“Well, then we’re just going to have to figure out a way for you to untell her. She brought the best of you back to life, Jake, and I don’t want to lose that again.”
I grin, hope blooming in my chest for the first time in a long time. “Do you think it’ll work?”
“Only one way to find out.”
Chapter Seventeen
Addison
I couldn’t hack it. Last night was the first night that Jake performed at Seduction since he decided to be a dirtbag and slice my heart open with a rusty knife.
Yes, I’ve become a bit dramatic over the past few days, but that’s exactly what it feels like. I feel bled out. I’m tired, probably because I’m not sleeping, and I’m weak, most likely because I can’t keep food down.
I’m just sad.
And that really pisses me off. I hate that he has that kind of power over me, that he’s affected my mood like this.
So he dumped me. So what? I mean, life goes on.
But last night, when he began playing “Sad,” one of my favorite Maroon 5 songs, I just couldn’t do it. I turned around, waved at Kat, and walked right out the back.
It’s bad enough that I’ve stayed away for the hour or two before he shows up to play so I don’t run into him before he takes the stage. Just the sound of his voice made me panic.
I have Jake PTSD.
“You’re not going to do that tonight,” I say to my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I check my lip gloss and smooth my hands down my high-waisted pencil skirt. “Jake brings in a lot of money every weekend. Like it or not, it’s best having him here for business.” I point at myself and narrow my eyes. “You’re a grown woman. You’re a professional. So pull up your big-girl panties and deal with it.”
“Is that working?” Riley asks as she comes out of the stall behind me.
“I think so.”
She smirks and washes her hands. “You don’t have to be here, Addie. The rest of us can handle it here.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Addie—”
“This is my place too,” I interrupt her with a shake of my head. “I made the bad mistake of falling for an employee, and now I’m paying the consequences. Lesson learned.”
“If you need anything, all four of us are here.”
“I know.” I hug Riley tight. “Thank you.” The fact that my friends have come in when they don’t have to, just because they know that being faced with Jake is hard on me, makes me more grateful than I can say.
“He asked me to give this to you.” She pulls a small white envelope out of her pocket.
“You can rip it up and throw it away.”
“Come on, Addie. Just read it.”
I roll my eyes and take the note.
Addie—
I miss you. Just talk to me.
—Jake
We can hear applause from the dining room. “He’s on,” Riley says. “It’s safe for you to go out there now.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” I sniff and put my nose in the air as I fold the note and shove it in my bra, then walk out of the bathroom, purposefully not looking in Jake’s direction, and begin to make my rounds through the dining room, asking diners if they’re happy with their dinners, and if anyone needs anything else.
I may be avoiding looking at him, but there is no way to avoid hearing him. God, I love his voice. He’s singing a Gavin Degraw song, and his voice washes over me. It’s the most amazing and the most hurtful thing, all at the same time.
But I force a smile as someone asks for another glass of wine and I try to block out that the love of my life is currently on my stage. He won’t take me home tonight and touch me or make love to me. Or simply smile at me or make me laugh.
There is nothing there, yet I can hear him, and it’s my own private hell.
“You okay?” Cami asks as she passes by me on the way to the bar.
“Yes. Can you please get another glass of house white for table fourteen?”
“On it.” She nods and bustles away, as if she waitresses every night. I turn at the sound of my name and smile when I see Christina and Kevin sitting at a table in the heart of the dining room.
“Hi, guys. How are you?”
“We’re fine,” Christina replies, her eyes shrewd as she watches me. “How are you?”
“I’m great.” Fake it till you make it, girl. I smile brightly. “Can I get you anything?”