When the little green man appeared, instructing me to cross, I darted into the street quickly. “See you around, Dr. Meyers,” I yelled over my shoulder. I never looked back.
I got on a bus back to Great Falls and called Trish from the bus station to pick me up. When she pulled up, her eyes were downcast. I got in but didn’t look over to her for the rest of the drive. I couldn’t face anyone eye to eye.
Finally, I said, “Thanks for coming to get me.”
“What happened, sweetie?”
“Nothing major.” It was sort of the truth.
“Talk to me.”
I shrugged. “He’s a doctor. It’s a demanding job. It’s not like how it was with—”
“Don’t you dare say his name,” she interrupted.
“It’s not going to work with me and Nate. Let’s not talk about it anymore. I can’t be mad at him for wanting to save a life. I wanted that, too. I’m just not right for him. Not smart enough or savvy. I do stupid things. I deserve to be alone.”
“Stop that right now. You’re not giving it a chance. I think you might be lookin’ for a way out.”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Do you think Red will loan me some money to fly to Spain?”
I could see her eyeing me but I wouldn’t look over. “You missin’ your mama?”
“Yeah.”
“Dale and I will pay for you to go.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I mumbled soberly.
“We would be happy to. But tell me something, Ava . . . do you think you’ll come back, or do you think you’ll run off to Spain to hide since you can’t hide here anymore?”
“I don’t have to hide because no one’s looking. I told you, I miss my mom and I want to see her.”
“Okay, darlin’.”
As we drove back, I stared out the window. This time my simplified observations of my own life weren’t so pleasant. You’re Avelina McCrea. You had your whole life ahead of you—a handsome husband, a job you loved, and plans for the future. Now your husband is dead. He left you behind, and no one else is looking at you. Get over it.
By that time the next day, I was in an airport in New York City. My brother met me there during my layover. He offered me money but I refused. I looked at pictures of his kids, whom I hadn’t seen since they were babies. I hugged Daniel for a long time and promised to stay in better contact with him. While we hugged, he reminded me that I was not responsible for our mother’s happiness, only my own, and then he apologized for not being there for me more after Jake died. We cried in each other’s arms. At first it was uncomfortable to hug him; some level of childhood embarrassment still lingered between us. But after a few moments, I felt a sad familiarity in his embrace. His voice sounded like my father’s, minus the heavy accent. He was tall for a Spaniard, and as he got older, I could see that his mannerisms were almost identical to my father’s.
“You’re starting to look just like Mom when she was young,” he said, echoing my own train of thought.
“Does it scare you how much we’re like them?”
“No. There is a likeness, Ava.” He laughed. “You’re so young still. I know you kind of got the worst of it. When Dad got sick, I was already on my own and you had to deal with Mom. I’m sorry, I really am, and I’m so sorry about Jake, too. I want you to know, you’re way stronger than Mom was after Dad died. You’ve done everything on your own. Still, I can tell you don’t have much faith in yourself. I think that’s what’s holding you back from having faith in others and opening up to them. But you can change that. Even Mom has changed. You’ll see. You have a long life ahead of you to figure out who you want to be.”
“I wonder how different things would be now if I had come out to live with you instead of marrying Jake.”
“Do you remember what Dad always used to say?”
I shook my head searching for the answer.
Daniel laughed. “He would say, in his broken English, of course, ‘Forward ever, backward never.’ ”
“Oh yes, I do remember now.” My eyes welled up again. “Why aren’t we closer, Daniel?”
“It’s never too late,” he said before walking me to the security line.
CHAPTER 22
Heart Lost
Nathanial
After Ava left the hospital, I went straight into surgery for sixteen hours. The heart transplant wasn’t a success. The man’s body rejected it so severely that we couldn’t keep him alive. I came out of surgery feeling like shit that I’d lost two hearts that day, not to mention guilty at the thought of Ava taking the bus home alone, so hurt and upset with me.
I texted her and called her a million times to no avail. Several days passed where I was stuck at the hospital, sleeping in the on-call rooms and feeling like the walls were closing in on me. On Wednesday, Uncle Dale gave me a pity call.
“Hello?”
“Hello, son.”
“Where is she?” I said, bone-weary and exhausted.
“She went to Spain.”
I bit my lip and felt my eyes water. Frustration and anger sent a rush of blood to my head. “Why? Why would she do that?”
“Nate, you have to realize that Ava was so young when she came to the ranch. She was barely nineteen. She might’ve been married but she wasn’t yet grown, you know? She still isn’t.”