“Fear is mainly what’s holding me back. I need to learn to find a balance so that I don’t fear life without someone.”
“That’s not a very romantic sentiment.”
“I had stars in my eyes before. I idealized what Jake and I had. I was only with him for a year and a half. We were only just getting to know each other. I let him pull me in so much that I didn’t think I could go on without him.”
“Isn’t that how you’re supposed to feel?”
“Listen to you. You’re suddenly the expert on love.”
“I know a few things when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“Well, Dr. Meyers, do tell.”
“Love is selfless. The other night I proved to you how selfish I could be, but I won’t make that mistake again. I think I know what needs to be done, but first you have to tell me where you want to be.”
“I want to be with you.”
I tightened my grip around her. “Then we’ll go back.”
“No, you’ll go back. I’m going to stay with my mom for a while and take classes here. That’s my decision.”
“Here, as in Spain?” I turned her so we were face-to-face. My own expression must have been shocked.
She arched her eyebrows and answered definitively, “Yes.”
“But you said you wanted to be with me.”
“I do, but you have to learn how to give more, and I have to learn how to give less.” I knew what she meant. We needed a balanced relationship, and neither one of us was emotionally ready for what that meant. A small smile touched her lips.
“I’m not sure what you’re saying, Ava.”
Her hand came up and caressed my jaw. “I’m in love with you, Nate, so much so that I don’t want to screw anything up. I’m afraid that if I go back now, that’s what will happen. All I’m asking for is a little time.”
“How long?”
“One year.”
I swallowed, shocked. My eyes shot open. “One year? I’m not going to see you for a year?”
She nodded. “That way we’ll know.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know what I want now.”
“Don’t you want to be sure?”
“I am sure.”
“Nate, a year from now I’ll still be young and so will you, but at least in that time you can figure out where you want to practice for good and I can go back to school, something I should have done a long time ago.”
“I thought I was going to practice in Montana.”
“You said we needed to figure out the dream and chase it. What is your dream, Nate? Where do you want to live for the rest of your life? I know it’s not Montana. If I weren’t in the picture, wouldn’t you want to be closer to your mom and dad, especially if you have kids?”
“I guess. But what about you?”
“I can live anywhere.”
“Why can’t we date or take things slow while we’re figuring it out?”
“Because you and I aren’t capable of slow. I think we’ve proved that.”
“This is insane.” My voice started to rise uncontrollably. “So, does this mean we can’t talk on the phone or email?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m asking you for a year so I can get completely straightened out. I’m going back to school, and I think you should go back to L.A.”
I blinked, still trying to figure out how to change her mind. “Is L.A. even some place you’d want to live?”
“Yes, and you won’t change my mind,” she said.
“A lot can happen in a year, Ava.” What if she found someone else?
“I want to be with you. I love you and that won’t change in a year.” Her tone was determined.
I nodded, even though the prospect of what we were about to do scared the life out of me.
We took the subway to her mom’s apartment. On the doorstep I spun her around to face me. “I don’t know how I’m going to be away from you.”
Her grin widened. “You’ll be in my heart.”
“No heart jokes.”
I leaned in and kissed her deeply, wondering if it would be the last time.
“Goodbye, Nate Meyers. You’ve made me better, but I want to be the best I can be for you and for myself.” Her voice was shaky. “It’s going to be hard for me, too.”
I shook my head and looked down at my shoes. “I still don’t understand.”
“You will.”
“What if we don’t make it?”
Tears streamed down her cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb and felt my own eyes start to water. She shook her head and shrugged.
“We’re gambling with what we have,” I said.
“It would be more of a gamble if we didn’t take this time. Look what’s happened so far.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Ava. I think about you more than anything. I can see a future with you. You’ll break my heart, you know, if this doesn’t work out.” I brought her to my chest and hugged her.
“I will see you a year from today—June fourteenth, two thousand and eleven.”
“Where?”
“Wherever you are, I’ll find you, if it’s meant to be. Just please let me grow up and figure myself out. I want to live, and I owe that to myself.”
It was so hard for me to let her go. I continued to drag out our goodbye.