I woke to the early morning light blasting me through the front window. Squinting, I desperately tried to clean the crusted snot off my face with spit on the back of my wool sleeve, which might’ve been about as low as I’d felt in a long time. Dignity was quickly running away from me and I wasn’t chasing after her. The entrance to the hospital was now open. I walked through the glass doors, thinking hell hath no fury like a . . . well, you know the expression.
On the fourth floor, I found a group of doctors standing in a circle. Nate was in the bunch. I walked at a determined pace right up to him, handed his keys over, and said, “Gas is on empty and I didn’t have any money after paying for that eighty-eight-dollar bottle of wine you ordered. And by the way, I spent the night in the parking lot in your truck freezing my ass off so I’m gonna head home now.”
“Excuse me,” he mumbled to the other doctors before stepping out of the circle. “Ava,” he called to me as I walked away. “That man was on the transplant list. He’s getting a heart today. There’s a whole team here. My colleague, Olivia, flew in late last night to assist on this. It’s a huge deal . . . Ava!” he shouted.
I stopped and turned slowly to face him. My dignity was back and she was standing in the corner, demanding that I straighten my shoulders. So I did. “Okay,” I said. I was feeling defeated but I didn’t want him to see.
“Okay what?”
“You don’t have to explain anything. I just spent the night in a parking lot in your truck and I’m tired and I have no money. Can I borrow a few dollars to catch a bus back to the ranch?”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”
“Where did you think I was?”
He pulled his wallet from his back pocket but paused before opening it then shook his head. “Why don’t you stay here for a bit and get some sleep? I’m sure I can find you a bed.”
“Where did you think I was?” I repeated.
Nate looked more exhausted than I felt. “Ava, I’m so sorry. I feel terrible about . . . about everything. I didn’t realize.”
“You said that but I want you to answer my question.”
“I was up all night in surgery. I wasn’t thinking.”
“About me?” It pained me to smile, but I did. Bitterly. “You weren’t thinking about me?”
“Are we fighting?”
“No.” I shook my head determinedly. “We’re not fighting. Don’t sweat it. You’re busy, I get it.” I looked down at the wallet he was still clutching in his hands. He saw where my eyes landed and opened it, pulling out three hundred dollar bills, and handed them over. I pinched one bill and pulled it from the stack. “This is humiliating,” I said. I swallowed and tried desperately to fight back the tears welling in my eyes. He reached up to smooth the hair from my face, but I stopped him and did it myself. “Somehow taking money from you like this, after following you here, after freezing and sleeping in your truck, feels more humiliating than being beaten by my husband.”
He shook his head frantically. “Don’t say that.”
“You never once thought about me after we talked on the phone?”
“We were trying to stabilize that man, Ava. Then a heart became available.”
“In all of that time, all of those hours, you didn’t wonder where I was after I told you I was coming here?”
His eyes were vacant and then he shook his head slowly back and forth. “I didn’t think about you. All I could think about was getting that man his heart.”
“Maybe after you give him that new heart, you can get one for yourself.” I looked past Nate to the group of doctors still waiting for him. The woman with fiery red hair looked annoyed as she stood with her hand on her hip. She glared at me. “They probably think I’m your charity case.”
“No, they don’t.”
“Why am I still here, talking to you?”
“Let me make this up to you. What about Sunday? I’m off Sunday, all day.”
“Don’t worry about making it up to me.” My voice got higher. “You don’t owe me anything.”
It was amazing how one minute I could go from imagining some kind of fantasy life with Nate to feeling totally rejected by him the next. He had given up one job for me already; I couldn’t expect him to give up another.
I left the building quickly and could hear him running behind me. “Please, listen to me. Where will you go now? How will you get to the bus station?”
“I can walk. I know where it is.”
I walked down a treelined street toward a major intersection. When I hit the button to cross the street, I looked back and saw Nate still following me. “I think it’s amazing what you’re doing,” I said to him. “You should be proud of yourself for saving a life.” He was at least fifteen yards away, but now he slowed up, walking toward me very cautiously. I had to practically yell over the traffic noise. “We’re not the same, you and me. Everyone kept saying so, but I guess we weren’t listening.”
“We’re not that different.” He walked with his arms outstretched toward me. “Come here please, Ava.” He was wearing scrubs and a lab coat and I was in a short, wrinkled red dress. My greasy hair was half tied back and blowing around messily. It must’ve looked like a doctor was trying to coax an insane person back to the asylum.