As we're eating, I ask about her job. She talks easily about it and laughs as she tells me a few funny stories about the worst things that people have accidentally left behind in a room she’s cleaned.
"I’ve found more false teeth than I can count," she laughs and so do I. "I mean, how do you forget your teeth? Wouldn’t you notice?" Her eyes warm as she’s looking into mine. I love this. I love sitting here laughing with her, getting to know her again. I don’t want it to end. A quiet voice in the back of my mind tells me that it probably will end when I tell her who I am. I feel my food trying to come back up my throat and swallow hard.
"You've done really well, Evie," I say, quietly. She has. Look at her, she has good friends, she takes care of herself, she’s a hard worker, she’s funny and warm and sweet.
She furrows her brows. "I'm a hotel maid, Jake," she says, as if I don’t already know this.
I think of all the people who grew up the way we did and how most of their lives turned out. I think of Willow. I think of myself. "Don’t ever be ashamed of the honest work you do to pay the rent. It's damn rare that someone who comes from the background you do, doesn't go on to repeat the cycle... drugs, early pregnancy, domestic abuse. Be proud of yourself. You deserve all the respect in the world. I think you’re incredible," I say honestly.
She stares at me, her eyes getting moist before she looks away and says quietly, "Thank you." I stare at her, watching her blink away the tears in her eyes. Has no one ever told her that she’s amazing? My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. If I’m given the chance, I vow to tell her at least once every day how incredible she is.
We’re both quiet for a minute when she says, "Can I ask you about Leo?" She looks at me nervously.
I snap back to reality. Shit. I hate this. "Of course," I answer, hesitantly.
"Was he happy? Did he have a good life?"
Keep this simple. I already feel like an ass**le lying at all, no need to expand on it. I think about who I was before my accident and mix just a little bit of the truth into my lie. "I don't know how to answer that. I didn't know him very well. I mean, outside of sports and partying, that sort of thing."
She nods and takes a deep breath. She’s biting the inside of her mouth like she used to do when she was a kid. I know that’s her "tell" that she’s nervous or scared. "When he left, he promised he'd keep in touch and he never did. Do you have any idea why?" I think I see pain flash quickly in her eyes.
Yeah, I do. "His" life went to shit pretty immediately and he lived with a constant death wish for eight years. But he never stopped loving you. Not for a second.
"I'm sorry. I don't. I don't really know what his home life was like. And the first time he talked about you to me was in the hospital and I've told you the extent of what he said," is what I say instead. Fuck. I hate myself for not mustering up the courage to tell her the truth.
She nods and is silent for a minute but then she looks up at me and smiles shyly. "This might be a little bit of an odd thing to say, but, well, if he was going to send anyone, I'm glad it was you. I've had a nice time tonight."
Why does that hurt? Am I really jealous of myself? I push my f**ked up emotions aside and smile back at her and say, "I'm glad he sent me too. I thought I was doing him a favor, but it looks like he did me a favor."
After our plates are cleared, I reach across the table and take her hands in mine. "Can I take you out again?"
She nods yes and happiness spreads through me.
We drive back to Evie’s apartment, chatting about the city.
"Where do you live?" she asks.
"Downtown, right near the new casino."
"Oh! Have you been there?"
"No. I haven’t had time for too many leisure activities. Work has taken up all my time since I moved here." I smile. "Would you want to go sometime?"
"I’d like to see it. But I don’t think I’d be any good at gambling," she says, smiling.
"No? Why not?"
"Not much of a poker face," she says, grinning at me.
I chuckle. "No, huh?"
She shakes her head, still smiling. "So, do you miss California?"
"I miss living near the ocean." Just to sit and look out at that vast body of water made me feel like maybe my problems weren’t as huge as I felt like they were. It made me feel… humbled. That reminder got me through a couple really bad days. "But, no, I like the Midwest. I like the seasons." I smile.
She leans her head back on the headrest and says, "I’d love to see the ocean someday."
I think back to flying over the ocean for the first time and how badly I wanted Evie to be there with me. "I’d love to be the one to show you someday," I say quietly, glancing quickly at her.
She just smiles at me, remaining quiet. I guess it’s a little too early to start making travel plans. I’m already getting better at reading Evie’s face, her expressions coming back to me like a song that I haven’t heard in years and yet still know all the words to. She’s right; she doesn’t have much of a poker face. I smile.
The first time I really noticed her, some nasty little bitch was giving her shit about her mom. I had glanced at Evie and the hurt and shame was right there on her face. I had sat there, frozen, unable to stop staring at this beautiful girl, her emotions clear and present in her eyes. It had been so long since I’d seen that type of vulnerability on someone’s face. I was mesmerized. If pigs had flown over our dinner table, it wouldn’t have surprised me as much as what I saw in Evie’s expression. Hadn’t she learned how to hide that shit? Didn’t she know what stoic meant? You couldn’t give your enemy that type of ammunition – it was emotional suicide. So why was I so damn impressed? Why did I feel my heart squeeze in my chest? I couldn’t figure it out at the time. But I knew there was something about it that was pure beauty. Like seeing the sun suddenly break through the clouds. I wanted to raise my face to it and feel its warmth. She had looked over at me and caught me staring and by that point, I think I was already half in love, something new blossoming in my heart. "Why are you looking at me?" she had hissed, trying and failing to be tough. I liked that, too. I had studied her for a couple more seconds before replying, "Because I like your face." I couldn’t contain the small smile that followed – the first one that’d been on my face for a really, really long time. My gentle lion tamer.