We drive the last couple of miles in companionable silence, both lost in our own thoughts, the radio playing softly in the background.
We pull up a half a block down from her apartment and I turn the car off but don’t make a move to get out. Evie’s looking at me expectantly, a small smile on her face. When I look at her, my heart lodges in my throat. "You are so beautiful when you smile," I say. I missed you so much.
I lean over, gently kissing her and leaning my forehead against hers. I realize vaguely that this is the exact same way we looked into each other’s eyes the night we said goodbye.
We stare at each other for long minutes. Her eyes widen slightly and I can feel her pulse beating wildly at my fingertips. Suddenly, her eyes swim with questions, widening slightly. I freeze. And then I see them go dreamy. She’s pushing the questions away. I see her do it. That look will forever be etched into my soul. That is the look of my Evie surviving. She doesn’t want to know. Emotions are slamming through me; confusion, fear, love. She pulls away from me.
"What's wrong?" I ask, warily.
She exhales. "Nothing. This is just all kind of new for me." She smiles at me and somehow, I find it in me to smile back.
I walk her to her building. That look on her face keeps skating through my mind. I don’t want to say goodnight. I need to do it quickly while I still have the strength to let her walk inside.
We get to her apartment door and I kiss her on her soft lips, smiling at her, whispering goodnight and heading back to my car. As wonderful as our evening was, I’m struggling. I wish to God I had someone to talk to about this. The person I really want to talk to is Evie, but obviously, that’s not an option. The state of my utter aloneness hits me in the gut and I feel something inside twist tight and break as I pull away from the curb.
CHAPTER 11
I drive around for a little while, gripping the steering wheel with the effort to drive away from Evie, rather than back to Evie. I feel confused and needy as hell and this has never been a good combination for me. Feeling needy makes me feel weak and that makes me feel angry. It’s been my lifetime struggle and I’m so f**king sick of always coming back to this place. My aloneness feels as if it always remains just beyond the surface.
Kissing Evie tonight was one of the best moments of my life, literally. But now it just makes me long for her even more and I don’t know what to do with that. But I either continue on the path that I’m on and keep her in my life, or risk the very real possibility that she’ll reject me if I tell her who I am.
I pull into a parking spot on the street in front of my building but instead of going up to my condo like I know I should, I walk a couple blocks down to a bar on the corner. I just don’t feel like being alone. I just want to go somewhere where there are people, a crowd. I want to drown this feeling. A few shots of bourbon will do the trick. Temporarily.
I sit down at the bar and order two shots of Wild Turkey. It’s what Lauren and Phil stocked. Straight, No Chaser. It’s going to be my band’s name once I actually form one, learn the guitar and go on the road. I almost snort to myself but suck it back before I become, crazy, party of one. I down one after the other, grimacing and signaling to the bartender to bring me two more. Four is the magic number. Not stumbling drunk, but don’t f**king care buzzed. I’ve got Numb Down to a Science. That’ll be my first single. The soundtrack for self-destructive tendencies everywhere. I grimace.
I order a beer so I can sit and nurse it for a little bit and as the bartender places it in front of me, a woman sits down next to me, smiling when I glance over. Chin length blond hair. Pretty. Definite cougar.
"Hey there," she smiles, turning toward me fully and taking a sip of her drink, something pink in a martini glass.
"Hey," I say back, not looking at her. I note that my voice is already thicker with the alcohol.
"I’m Alana." She reaches out her hand and I glance down at it before turning slightly to shake it. "Jake," I say.
"So what brings you here, alone, Jake?" She asks, tilting her head and sucking on her straw.
I pause for a minute, thinking. "Alana. I’m here because the love of my life is across town in her apartment and if I don’t drink myself into a coma, I’m going to drive myself over there and knock down her door and make a complete jackass of myself."
She blinks, apparently stunned silent. Then a huge smile takes over her face. "Well, why the hell wouldn’t you drive over there and make a jackass of yourself?"
I ponder that momentarily. "Because she’ll tell me to go f**k myself and I don’t want to f**k myself. I want to f**k her."
Alana blinks again. "Well, you sure say it like it is, don’t you, Jake?" She’s smiling though.
I shrug, taking another pull on my beer.
"Listen, Jake. I think the risk of looking like a fool is a hell of a lot better than living with regret."
I nod. If only it were that simple. We sit in silence for a minute before I say, "So what’s your story, Alana?"
She sighs, taking another sip of her drink. "Well, overall story is pretty boring I guess. But we’re in a bar, drowning our sorrows, so more appropriate is my sob story which is that I was married for ten years when I found out my husband was cheating on me with a married neighbor... his soul mate, he told me. We’ve been divorced for a year now."
I grimace. "Jesus. I’m sorry. Did you suspect anything?"