I sit plucking at the grass, letting the memories wash over me, letting the past in, despite the fact that it hurts. It hurts so damn bad.
"What was that stupid little song that you used to ask me for every night? Baa Baa Black Sheep? Remember that? I swear I sang that damn song fifty thousand times." I chuckle but then I feel myself grimace with the hurt the memory brings. "I'd sing it fifty thousand more, buddy, if I could just have you back. I hope you know that."
I pause for several minutes, picturing my little brother's face, his smile, hearing his voice in my head. Then I recite very, very quietly, "Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane. Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane."
I kneel down on the grass now and put my hands on the cold metal, tracing every letter of his name and the dates of his short life. "You mattered, Seth. In this world, you mattered. You mattered to me. You always will. I love you buddy. I want you to know that. You mattered." Then I stand up and I walk slowly back to my car.
CHAPTER 8
I get to the office a little before noon and I sit in my car in the garage for ten minutes pulling myself together. It’s been a long, emotional roller coaster of a morning. I put my head in my hands, massaging my temples even though I don’t have a headache. Yet. I was so happy when I left Evie’s, but now I’m just confused. Visiting Seth was hard and now I just want to call Evie and tell her about it. But of course, I can’t do that. It’s been eight years, but in some ways, I feel like it hasn’t been any time at all. I wonder if she feels a comfort level with me, too, that she’s having a hard time explaining to herself.
As I exit the elevator on my floor, Preston is walking down the hall toward me. Preston was my adoptive dad, Phil’s, business partner, with him practically from the beginning, when the company was just a startup. He’s extremely intelligent and an all-around good guy. I know my dad trusted him implicitly and I respect the hell out of him.
Even though Phil was an engineering guy just like Preston, Phil also had a really great knack for business, and so when he moved to San Diego to open an office there, the Ohio office suffered. It’s what I’ve been working so hard to reverse as the new CEO and I think I’ve made some major improvements. We’re now operating on solid ground.
"Jake!" he greets me. Preston looks like the ultimate engineer, skinny and geeky with thick glasses and a perpetual rumpled look, as if he sleeps at his desk. Hell, as far as I know, he does. Maybe that’s how he seems to do an inhuman amount of work.
"I was just coming to see if you had a minute to go over some of these designs I just got from engineering." He holds out a folder.
"Hey, Preston. Yeah, of course. Come on into my office."
We walk toward my office and he waits as I stop and greet Christine and grab my messages from her.
"You’re going to love these. The guys hit it out of the park with the new casing," Preston says.
We sit down at the four-person table in my office and go over all the designs, discussing our preferences and the details of the schematics. I focus easily on the work in front of us, lured in by the excitement and passion in Preston’s voice. We don’t agree on everything in front of us, but we discuss our differences easily and in the end, I convince him to take a chance on my design preference. He’s right; the engineers hit this one out of the park.
As he stands, he grips my shoulder and smiles, saying, "You remind me a lot of your dad as a young man, Jake. He always had a knack for convincing me to take his side. And he was almost always right." He laughs.
He turns to leave, but when he gets to the door, he stops and turns back to me. "I hope you don’t take offense when we call you ‘The Kid.’" He smiles. "I know we joke about it, but in all honesty, you’ve held your own since the day you took over here and we’re all very impressed. I knew your dad for over thirty years and I worked more closely with him than anyone else did. Jake, I know he’d be proud of you, too." He doesn’t give me time to respond but turns and closes the door softly behind him. I sit unmoving for several minutes. Finally, I stand up and gather my paperwork. I catch sight of myself in the mirror on the wall over a credenza. It’s only then that I realize I’m smiling.
**********
Later that evening, I stand under the stream of hot water, letting the steam from the shower relax my tired muscles. I stopped at the gym after work and worked out until my body was spent and my restless mind was finally quieted, at least temporarily.
As the water rains down over my tired body, my mind goes to Evie and I wonder what she’s doing tonight. I wish I had the right to know. I wish I had the right to call her up and tell her I want her with me tonight. I lean one hand on the tile in front of me as my other hand goes to my head, rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. Then I brace both hands on the wall and stand with my head directly under the spray, fantasizing about what it would be like for Evie to show up at my door… to kiss her hello and lead her to my bed. I feel my groin throb. My hand travels downward and I grip myself. I’m suddenly painfully hard and I hold back a groan as I stroke myself slowly. Pleasure, intense and hot, shoots through my body. I picture myself stripping Evie’s clothes off, one piece at a time and drinking in every inch of her perfect little body. I wonder what she looks like naked, what color her ni**les are, what they’d taste like. Sweet, I’m sure. As sweet as her mouth was when I kissed her on our roof all those years ago. I used to think about her na**d constantly when I was a teenager, but I haven’t allowed myself to since. It was too painful because I knew I’d never have her. But now… the mere possibility has the blood raging through my veins.