“Jordan, if I’d have known, I would have done something. You know that.”
I exhale, heavily. “Yeah, I know. I just … god, I don’t know what to do – how to tell her.”
How am I going to tell the girl I’m in love with that her mother – who left her to be raised by that monster of a man – raised me instead of her?
She’ll blame me. I’m going to lose her.
I feel physically sick at the thought.
“Just tell her the truth. Exactly as I’ve told you.”
I scrub my hand over my face. “She won’t be able to get past this. She’s going to blame me. I’m going to lose her.”
“No, you won’t,” he states vehemently.
“Belle left her with him and chose to raise me instead. I know if it were me, it would kill me.”
“Jordan, this isn’t your fault. I’ll come home. I’ll explain it to her—”
“No.” I pull in a deep breath. “She needs to hear this from me.”
“You’re sure?”
No. “Yes. I’ll tell her.”
“Okay. You know Mia best. Call me when you’ve talked to her. Let me know how she’s doing?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Jordan?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s going to be fine, son. I promise.”
I swallow past the burning in my throat, wishing I could be as confident as he is.
“I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone, dropping it to the table with a clatter, I let my head follow.
A minute later I hear the backdoor open.
“Hey, you okay?” Mia’s soft sweet voice carries through the room, hitting me with a pure agony.
I lift my head, turning to her. The warm smile on her face instantly disappears, turning to worry at my expression.
“Jordan – is everything okay?” She moves quickly toward me.
“I–” The words stick in my throat, and start to sink fast … fast like rocks in water.
“Jordan?”
Oh god. I can’t tell her.
I can’t.
I get to my feet and take her beautiful face in my hands, forcing a smile onto my deceitful mouth.
“Everything’s fine, babe.”
Then I press my lying lips to her soft, warm, honest mouth, hating my weak, cowardly-self more and more, with each passing second.
Chapter Twenty
Mia
There’s something eating at Jordan. He thinks I don’t know, but I can see it in his eyes, and in the way his expression drops every time he thinks I’m not looking.
He’s been acting strange after the telephone call he took from his dad the other day.
At first I thought maybe they’d had a disagreement, but now I know it’s something more. And the paranoid, sadistic part of me is starting to think it’s something to do with me – that maybe, he’s changed his mind about us.
A part of me wishes he would just tell me so I would know either way.
I could ask him, but then I’m afraid what his answer will be. So like the masochist I am, I’m taking whatever he throws my way. Granted, he’s throwing a lot my way, but there’s still something off. I just wish I had more strength than I do. I wish I could just up and leave, and stop being so damn pathetic over a man, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t want me anymore.
And the worst thing is, I’ve realized I’m in love with him.
I know, right?
You think I would have learned my lesson by now.
And it’s not as if I can tell him how I feel, or that there’s any point. Not while he’s working himself away from me.
I just wish he didn’t know so much about me. It makes me feel vulnerable to him.
I know what I need to do – pack my things and move out of here, stay somewhere else. It just feels a little easier said than done at the moment.
I also need to grow a backbone and pay a visit to the last Anna Monroe on my list. It just feels a million times harder now I don’t have Jordan there to hold my hand.
I guess he really is what he told me he was in the beginning – unable to commit to a girl. And no matter how much wishing on my part for me to have been the one to change him – the signs are telling me otherwise.
Yes, he says he wants me. But each time he’s said that, he’s either been inside me, or well on his way to it. And I know better than anyone that a man will say things he doesn’t mean while he’s having sex with you.
Last night was no different. I’d woken up in the early hours of the morning to find Jordan gone from his bed, and in the space beside me, where he’d fallen asleep, was a sleeping Dozer, stretched out and snoring.
In the end, my curiosity and frustration won out. I’d searched the hotel to no success, then eventually found him sitting out on the boardwalk over the lake, drinking a beer…
I walked over and stood between his open legs, staring down at him. Jordan’s hands went around the back of my thighs, fingers gripping. His head rested against them, like it was hard for him to look at me.
I slid my fingers into his hair, silently begging him to talk to me … but wishing for only things I’d want to hear.
His hand slid up my leg and took hold of my hand. He tugged me down to sit between his legs. I rested my back against his chest, and he wrapped his arm around my middle while taking a drink of his beer.
“What you doing out here so late?” I asked, my words drifting out over the lake, disappearing into the night.