“What?” He scowls and sits back in the chair, surprised.
“I mean, it’s good that it happened now rather than after the wedding because now you’re off the hook. You don’t have to be saddled with a wife and a kid that just slow you down.
“All you can talk about is leaving. Take me to San Diego. Take me somewhere warm. Well, you know what, Landon? I don’t want to leave. You do. You’ve never wanted to be here. All your life you’ve done everything you can to not be here. But I love it here. This is my home, and this is where my business is, and this is where I’m fucking happy.
“So maybe you should just go.”
“You want me to go,” he says, perfectly calmly.
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you. I need some time alone.”
I shake my head. I’m not crying. I’m boiling mad. I don’t think I’ve ever been this pissed off in all of my life.
“Just get out.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Cami. Not like this.”
Not like this.
“I’m fine, Landon. I was just fine before you, and I’ll be great after you. You don’t determine my happiness.”
He stands, but stays at the side of my bed for a few moments, just watching me, until I pick up my empty water cup and throw it at him.
“Get the fuck out!”
He blinks, and then he turns and walks out the door just as Riley walks in. She frowns back at him before approaching the bed. “Hey sugar.”
“Hey.”
“Where is Landon going?”
“I don’t give a fuck where Landon’s going. I told him to get the hell out.”
She’s silently surprised for a heartbeat, then drops into the chair Landon was in and says, “Excuse me?”
I stare at my best friend, blinking, thinking about everything I just said to her, and I can’t believe it.
“I sent him away.”
And now the tears come again. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I bury my face in my hands and sob, barely aware of Riley petting my hair.
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I’m so sad and pissed off and confused!” I wail into my hands. “I lost our baby, and he’s talking about having all the babies I want, but I can’t do that, Riley. I can’t give him lots of babies. I don’t think I ever wanted lots of babies, and if he wants them, he should have them.
“And he’s always talking about going away!” I’m babbling now, barely making sense through my tears, and I don’t care. “He doesn’t want to be here, he was just here because he felt obligated to me.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“It’s fucking true! And now he doesn’t have to stay here. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t want him to be sad. And every time he looks at me, I’ll just be a reminder that I lost his baby.” I’m hiccuping now with the tears. Riley’s stopped petting my head, leaving me be to cry and rant and just purge all of this bullshit out of my body.
“I wanted that baby so much,” I say, quieting a bit now, but keeping my face in my hands because I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed. “I loved him already, and I was hoping he’d look like his daddy. And Landon is everything I’ve ever wanted and I screwed that up too. I’m just not supposed to have a husband and a family, Ri. And it’s good that this happened now, before the wedding.”
I’m rubbing my swollen eyes. I need a cold cloth, but I don’t want to ask for one. I just want to call Landon back, but that’s dumb. I already fucked that up.
Suddenly a cold cloth is pressed to my neck, and I take it and push it against my eyes, crying into the cotton, making it warm.
“I can’t stop crying.”
“Shhh.”
“It’s so much more than just losing the baby,” I say, quieting a bit now. “We lost all of it. His first steps, swimming lessons, the first day of school.” I shake my head. “I won’t get to straighten his tie on prom night, or dance with him at his wedding.” She puts her hand on my ankle over the covers and sits silently, letting me cry it out and then just breathe, taking long, jagged breaths until I’m calm enough to wipe my face and glance up.
But it’s not Riley sitting next to me.
It’s Landon.
“You didn’t leave.”
He doesn’t smile at me, and he takes the cloth out of my hands, runs it under the faucet to get it cold again, and passes it back to me. It feels like heaven on my face and neck.
Landon just watches, calm as can be. His eyes show the hurt, and that makes my eyes well up again. Of course he’s hurting too. I don’t want him to hurt. I never want that.
“I loved her too,” he says quietly, and leans in to rest his elbows on the bed, taking my hand in his. His touch always feels wonderful, but this is better than anything I’ve ever felt. “And I’m so sad that we’ll never get to hold her and love her, and do all of the things you just said. It’s tragic, Cami.”
I nod and bite my lip. “I’m sorry.”
“Losing her isn’t your fault,” he says firmly. “Look at me.”
My gaze finds his. “None of this is anyone’s fault. I don’t know why it happened. But I do know this: I’m not about to lose my child and the love of my life in the same day. You are convinced that I don’t want to be here, but, Cami, I’ve never said that. Yes, the Navy took me away for a long time, but when that was over, I didn’t have to come home. I could have relocated and started over anywhere. I chose to come back to Portland, and I’m so damn glad I did because it brought me to you. Will I want to travel with you? Of course. But this is our home.