"I almost told you so many times. I was almost sure you realized who I was the night I drove you home from our first date and we sat in the car forehead to forehead, just exactly like that night I first kissed you on our roof."
She studies me quietly, looking sad and thoughtful for a few minutes, before saying, "I've always been good at pushing things aside that I didn't want to think about, good at losing myself in my own head. It's why I'm good at making up stories, I think. Being able to escape to a dreamland was a survival instinct for me. Maybe I did that with you too. Inside I knew that there was something I wasn't allowing myself to think about. I let you lie to me because the lie felt good. I admit that now."
God, that’s just like Evie, trying to take responsibility for pushing the knowledge of who I am to the back of her mind, but I reject that. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, but this is not on her. I’m the one who lied.
"I won't let you take responsibility for any of this. Maybe you made some unconscious choices, but you can't blame yourself for that. I made all the conscious decisions. I'm the only one at fault in this situation. I understand that you need space to digest it all. But please, please, Evie, I can't lose you again. I'll never survive it twice. Can you at least try to forgive me? To understand why?" I choke out.
She pauses, and says quietly, "I don't know. I just need some time, Leo. You've just caught me up on eight years of life… a really f**ked up life… for both of us." She laughs humorlessly. "Can we… can I have some space to think? Please?"
She’s sat here and listened to my whole f**ked up story, and gone through every emotion it brings up, right along with me. I’ll give her whatever she needs.
I feel emotionally exhausted, numb, terrified that she won’t be able to forgive me. But I’ve stepped back on to the right path – I know I have. I feel it. Now, I just have to pray that she’ll join me, that it’s her path too.
As I’m about to open her door and walk out, perhaps for the last time, I say quietly, "Your gift with storytelling, Evie? It's not about you getting lost in your own mind, or living in a dreamland. It's about the beauty of your heart. It's about being able to rise above even the worst of situations. It's one of the reasons I've loved you every single day since I was eleven years old." I want the last words I say to her to be words of love.
I open her door and walk out, closing it quietly behind me.
CHAPTER 29
I spend the next couple of days in a state of quiet desperation. But I make it through the days without trying to numb the pain in any way. Instead, living with it and processing it the best I can.
I go to the gym, I bury myself in my work, and I come home at the end of the day, exhausted from all the emotions I’m dealing with, but feeling a glimmer of satisfaction for holding it together. I take this as a sign that I’m healthier than I was and I allow myself to feel a small shred of pride. I don’t know exactly what the difference is this time. Maybe it’s the time I spent with Dr. Fox, maybe it’s that there is a peace in finally telling the truth. Maybe it’s that Evie, whether she wants to move forward with me or not, didn’t look at me with disgust or hatred. Hurt, yes. Disgust, no. The relief in that alone is humbling.
My plan hasn’t changed. I’m going to fight for my girl. But I know instinctively that fighting for her means giving her the space to process everything I’ve told her.
**********
A few days after my talk with Evie, I head to the airport bright and early for some business in San Diego. Preston and I hired a new Vice President of Operations for the California office and I want to be there to welcome him. It’s not a mandatory trip, but getting out of town will help me distract myself for a day, and stop pacing in front of my door, wanting to run to Evie.
As I’m waiting for my flight to board, I listen to my messages. There’s one from a number I don’t recognize and when I listen to it, it’s Lauren.
"Jake. I need you. I’ve been arrested. Falsely, of course. These incompetent people have taken me to jail, Jake. This is unbelievable! I need you to bail me out–" Shocked, I listen as she seems to put her hand over the mouthpiece and talk to someone. Then she comes back on the phone. "Jake. Just please, get me out of here. My arraignment is on Monday morning. Book a flight! I can’t even fathom that I have to spend the night here. Have the money ready, honey. I’m at the San Diego central jail."
I stick my phone back in my jacket pocket, frowning and completely confused. Arrested? For what? I can’t believe she called me of all people. Or, I guess I can. I look up, suddenly realizing that first class boarding has started. I grab my bag and head for the plane.
When I touch down in San Diego, I head to the rental car counter and am quickly in a car, pulling out of the lot. I Googled the police station while I was waiting and so I dial the number now. After being switched around to several lines, I’m connected to a Detective Peterson.
"Detective, this is Jake Madsen. Lauren Madsen is my mother. I got a message from her that she’s been arrested–"
"Yes, Mr. Madsen," he says solemnly. "I’m the lead detective responsible for the sting operation that led to your mother’s arrest."
"Sting?" I ask incredulously, laughing a humorless laugh. "That sounds serious. I thought she might’ve had a few too many glasses of wine and got in her car."