After a few minutes, I pull away and drive to the cemetery where Seth is buried. This time, I walk straight to his grave, where the headstone that I ordered for him is now standing. I sit down on the damp grass, but I don’t say anything. I just need to be with my brother. After a little while, my phone dings and I pull it out of my pocket. It’s Evie with a two word text message. I'm safe.
I exhale and sit there for a while longer. Fight. My head pops up. I don’t know if that single word was my own thought or something imagined, but suddenly, it is the only thing repeating through my head, filling my brain, giving me strength. Fight. After a little bit, I stand up and walk back to my car, and drive home.
**********
I wake up early. I slept like shit, but I feel a renewed energy. I’m going to fight for her. I f**ked up. Badly. I was selfish and deceptive, and I owe her so much, an apology, an explanation. I’ll grovel for the rest of my life if that’s what she wants from me. I’ll do anything to make her understand. And then if she can find it in her heart to forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life proving to her that she didn’t make a mistake.
I shower and pull on clothes, and drive to her apartment. I know I look like hell but I guess I don’t much care. I ring her bell and as I’m standing there, Maurice comes out of his apartment and through the front doors. "Saw her go out almost an hour ago." Then he brushes past me and is gone. Again, a man of few words.
I lean against the outside of her building, and decide to wait for a little while, hoping she’s coming right back. A few minutes later, I see her turn the corner onto her street, a cup of coffee in one hand and a small brown paper bag in the other.
I see her spy my car and start walking slowly. I walk to meet her, hands stuffed in my pockets, and when she sees me, she stops.
A myriad of emotions fly across her face, lightening speed, surprise, hurt, love. I see it and it gives me hope. She settles on a frown, her eyes still slightly panicked as we stare at each other on the street. And then she tries to run around me, dodging me as I turn. But I’m faster and I reach her easily, scooping her up from behind. She doesn’t have to forgive me, but she’s going to listen to me. This moment has been eight years overdue, through no one’s fault but mine, but it can’t go on one minute longer. She struggles against me weakly, but I hold on to her more tightly, and when we get to the door of her building, I growl in her ear, "Give me your key, Evie." She hands them over, glaring at me. That’s okay too. But she’s going to listen.
I open her apartment door and carry her inside although she’s not resisting me anymore. I set her down and close the door behind us. We stare at each other, my eyes narrowed and hers glaring for a good, long minute. I look away first, breaking eye contact and running my hand through my hair. "Evie, we need to talk and we need to talk now."
"Why do you get to decide when we need to talk? Isn't it my call, Jake? Or should I call you Leo? Do you go by both? Please, clue me in here."
I close my eyes, gathering patience. I get her anger, but she’s gotta know that we need to talk. She can hate me afterwards. God, I hope she doesn’t hate me afterwards. "Evie. Please. Can we talk? Will you listen to me? This has been hell on me. Please. I just want you to tell me you'll listen to me – really listen to me."
"Hell on you? Oh, please, Jake. I don't want to make things harder on you. Please, sit down. Can I get you a beverage? A foot rub?" She glares at me some more.
I sigh. "Sit down, Evie. Now."
She stares at me for a few beats longer before she sinks down on the couch, looking resigned while I stand above her.
I sit down on the couch too but make sure to give her plenty of room. We’re practically on opposite ends.
"If you need something, go get it now. We're going to talk and this could take a while. Get what you need to make yourself comfortable, and then plant yourself on the couch."
Her brows snap together but she finally exhales saying, "I'm fine, Jake… Leo. Please, let's get this over with." She pinches the bridge of her nose as if she feels a headache coming on.
I hesitate for a second. I know we need to talk, that I have to tell her why, but my heart is beating loudly in my ears at the thought of what comes next.
I move closer to her, and for just a few brief seconds she stares ahead stoically before her expression crumples and she brings her hands to her face and starts sobbing. Oh, f**k, Evie, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I gather her in my arms and cradle her to me as she cries. I can’t make this better. I did this. I bury my head in her hair and try to will all her grief into my own heart. I would gladly take it if I could. Only it doesn’t work that way. I knew it eight years ago and I know it now.
Her hands come away from her face and she chokes out, "I waited for you! I waited and waited and you just disappeared. I didn't know if you were dead or alive. I didn't know if you had just decided to start a new life and written me off or what! And still I waited. And truthfully, even though I didn't even admit it to myself, I was still waiting until the day you walked back into my life, calling yourself by another name! I never stopped waiting for a boy who threw me away like I was nothing!"
Her sobs pick up in intensity, gutting me completely. I pull her tight against me and rock her and although I expect her to push me away, she clings to me, letting me comfort her.
Her sobs subside after a little while, and she tilts her head and looks up at me, so incredibly beautiful even in her sadness. She studies me for a couple minutes, and then she takes her thumb and runs them over my cheeks, spreading wetness. Was I crying, too? I hadn’t realized.