She laughs. "I knew you were just a gold digger."
"Hey, a guy’s got to have standards."
She lifts her head and looks into my eyes, "Sometimes I wonder if I’d even be any good at being a mom. It’s not like anyone ever showed me how."
I look back at her quietly for a minute. "I think some people just know things in their heart, Evie. You’ll be a great mom," I say, knowing with certainty that it’s true.
We’re quiet for a few minutes as I resume running my hand up and down her arm, and feel the comfort of her heart beating against my side where she’s curled up.
Visions of her carrying a baby in her arms, my baby, run through my mind. I pull her tighter to me.
"Oh, hey, I got you something."
"What?" she asks, sitting up a little.
I lean over and grab the jacket that I had placed at the end of the bed when I first came in. I reach into the pocket and take out the small item wrapped in tissue paper and hand it to Evie.
She takes it, glancing at me with a small smile on her lips. She unwraps it and holds up the small, delicate shell, a smile breaking out on her face. "A shell! I’ve never had a shell! Thank you. Did you find it or buy it?"
"I found it. At first glance it’s not the fanciest shell around, but do you see the spiral on the side here? It’s called a whorl. See. Ninety-nine percent of whorls go in a clockwise direction. This one is counterclockwise." I pause as she studies it.
"I took a walk on the beach between meetings yesterday and when I saw the shell, I picked it up for you. Then I noticed its whorl. Never found one like it before."
She looks down at the shell and traces the spiral with a delicate finger.
She looks up at me and smiles. "Did you check out a book on shells? How do you know so much about whorls?" She raises an eyebrow.
I laugh. "No. I don’t know. I just picked up that information somewhere. I can’t even remember where."
I watch her with a small smile on my face as she looks back at the shell, studying it. I go on. "The thing about sea snails with counterclockwise whorls is that they can only mate with other sea snails whose shells coil in the same direction."
Her eyes meet mine and she frowns. "How do they ever find a mate if their type only make up one percent of the snail population? Seems impossible."
I nod. "Well, lucky for the counterclockwise whorled snails, their predators use a hunting technique that only works on their opposites, the more common ninety-nine percent. If their predators try to eat them, they find they can’t and end up dropping them instead. This little guy, his design, the way he’s made, allows him to survive another day. And that’s another day to find his mate. He’s rare, but he’s a survivor, and so is the other sea snail he’s looking for."
She’s looking at me dreamily as I talk, a small smile on her lips, and I feel hypnotized by her beautiful, dark eyes. She looks down at the shell in her hand and says quietly, "Hmmm… I wonder if this one died before finding his mate. Poor little guy."
I smile. "I like to think that she was somewhere washed up on that beach, too, and that they had lived a long and happy sea snail life together."
She smiles back and then looks back down at the shell, tracing the whorls again. When she looks up at me, she says, "This was a nice surprise, Jake. Thank you."
I hold her on the bed for a while longer before it’s time to get up and straighten the room and let her get back to work. Today’s going to be a long day. I’m exhausted. But it was totally worth it. Completely.
CHAPTER 26
After our conversation in the suite at the Hilton, I can’t get the images out of my head of what it would be like to have a family with Evie. I didn’t think a lot about what that would look like when I was fourteen and fifteen, even though I took it for granted that it would happen – and I never let myself go there after that. It would have been unnecessary and torturous. In my mind, I could never have her again. What would be the point of picturing my and Evie’s little brown-eyed kids running around when they would never exist? But now... just talking about the dream of a family with Evie has brought it to life for me. Not just the misty, faraway dream, but also the specific vision. I can’t get it out of my head. She didn’t even say she wanted that with me, but I want to let her know that I want that with her. And I can’t do that without telling her who I am.
I want to move forward so badly, I can hardly think straight. But, in order to move forward, I have to tell her the truth. She now knows what we can be together. This can’t go on.
If she decides she doesn’t want to be with me after she knows the truth, I’ve also set her off her path to making her own dream come true. I can’t do that to her for one more day. I love her. I want her to have everything she wants, even if it’s not with me. A flash of fear shoots down my spine at the thought but I steel myself. Do what you know is right.
I’ve made sure she’s attached to me so that she’s less likely to want to leave. Jesus, how much more selfish could I be? I’m the poster boy for deceitful ass**les everywhere. If she hates me even more now, I won’t blame her. Not only am I going to lose her, I’m going to go to hell. The fear and shame I feel churns heavily in my gut.
I want so badly to tell her I love her, but how can I do that when I’m being so selfish? Love isn’t selfish. I’ve loved her all along, but I refuse to say it to her until she knows my name.