She steps toward me again and tries to wrap her arms around me.
"Get the f**k OUT!" I yell, the anger spiking inside of me now. Why did I even waste my breath with her? I swear to God, she’s psychotic.
She looks down and whispers so softly I can barely hear it, "I'm never going to get you back, am I?"
I don't even answer. What's the point? Her saying that doesn't mean anything – she'll just come at me in some other way once she regroups.
I stride over to my door, flinging it open. Holy f**k, Evie is standing there blinking at me from the hallway. My adrenaline is pumping through my veins and this is the worst possible scenario I can think of. How much did she hear? I can’t even remember what was said, I’m so filled with anger and now fear. "Shit. Evie. What the f**k are you doing here?"
Her face goes pale, her mouth opens to say something and then closes as her large, expressive eyes fill with hurt. Fuck, f**k, FUCK! I want to roar and smash something.
I clench my jaw, struggling to keep control as Lauren walks out my door and halts in her tracks when she sees Evie. She looks between the two of us and then clips out, "Really, Jake? Already?"
This is a nightmare. Evie cannot find out about Lauren in this way. I close my eyes momentarily, fighting for strength, and say as calmly as I possibly can, "Get out."
Lauren ignores me, as usual, and walks over to Evie saying, "I’m Lauren," in the bitchy, condescending voice that means something bad is coming.
Evie blinks and starts extending her hand, whispering, "Nice to meet you, I’m…"
"Mom!" I yell. Evie cannot say her name. Lauren never met her, but she sure as hell knows her name since I said it about a thousand times on our way to San Diego. She knows that Evie is the name of the girl on my back. I doubt if she’ll recognize that this woman is that girl, especially since she’s only seen my tattoo a couple times, but I can’t have her hearing her name. I know that calling Lauren 'mom' will get her attention. She's always hated it.
"If you don't get out, swear to God, I will call security to haul you downstairs." My hands clench and unclench at my sides.
Lauren pouts momentarily but pulls herself together and says, "Fine, Jake, have it your way."
I’ve never had it my way, not with you, you crazy bitch.
Then she steps onto the open elevator, turns and looks directly at Evie and says, "You're just one of many. You should know that."
Evie lets out a small sound that, quiet though it is, slams into my chest like a ten-ton wrecking ball. Appalled shock runs down my spine.
I stand where I am for several long seconds, trying to get a handle on my control, trying to rein in the swirling rage, wanting to choke on the overwhelming disgust at having Lauren and Evie in the same hallway.
Evie is the first to move, walking over to the elevator and pushing the button. Her movement snaps me out of my angry trance and I feel a surge of panic. She’s going to leave me now.
"Evie! Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving, Jake. Obviously you don't want me here. I'm sorry, I got off work early and I thought, I mean, I thought it would be okay. I called you… " She trails off, her eyes filling with tears, undoing me.
"Evie, baby, please. Let me explain. I'm so sorry. So f**king sorry. I keep messing up." I run my hand through my hair, trying to figure out how to make Evie understand. I pull on her hand very, very slightly, hoping she’ll follow me into my condo. She remains still for a minute, studying my face before she lets me lead her inside. It isn’t lost on me that she leaves her things right next to the door. She’s going to let me explain, but she’s ready to make a quick getaway, should it be necessary.
**********
We sit down in my living room and I begin. "First of all, I'm so sorry I made you feel badly for coming here. You can show up here anytime you want to. I never expected my mom to…" I sigh, "We're… estranged. Things are not good between us, which I guess you could tell." I laugh humorlessly. There is nothing remotely funny about this situation.
I tell Evie about Lauren being in town to appeal to the board, and that despite having told her I want nothing to do with her, I need to deal with that issue.
I explain to her about my complicated relationship with my mom, only leaving out details of why. Even talking about Lauren at all is difficult for me. I’ve spent so many years trying to pretend the situation doesn’t exist, trying to stuff the feelings away and numb the pain of what happened in that house. It obviously didn’t work, but it was a way for me to try to move past it. I find that even telling Evie the nature of my relationship with Lauren, and that she was the reason for me acting out in high school and my stilted relationship with my dad, is very difficult.
Despite the fact that I don’t give Evie a lot of details, this is a hundred times harder than telling Doc all my darkest secrets. For one thing, Doc was my psychologist, Evie is… Evie is everything to me. The fear of her turning away when she hears even a portion of my truth is terrifying on a very deep level.
I want her to understand where my lashing out at her came from. It wasn’t right. I know that. But it came from a place that had nothing to do with Evie, not really.
"When I saw you standing there, I couldn't believe that you were even about to share her air. She's a ruthless bitch and she'll do or say anything that she thinks will further her own agenda. I wasn't mad that you were here, I was mad that you were even in the vicinity of that pit viper. And that was not your fault, but I lost it, and I'm so sorry." I plead for her understanding with my eyes.