"Jake," she says, "I feel like when you're talking about yourself, you're talking to me in code. I get the gist of what you're saying but you really haven't told me anything."
She’s completely right of course, and I feel shitty about that, but this is all I can give right now. Telling her everything about my hatred for Lauren means telling her who I am, and I just can’t muster up the courage to do it in this moment. I’m a coward. When it comes to her, I’m a coward. But, if anything, I want her to know how sorry I am.
We’re both silent for another minute before I squeeze her hands and say, "Forgive me for talking to you like that, for making you feel that way? God, for that whole f**ked up situation?"
She takes a deep breath and looks at me for several moments, frowning slightly before saying, "Yes, I forgive you. And you don't have to apologize for your mom, Jake. I know better than anyone you can't help who your parents are."
"Thank you," I say quietly, bringing her hands to my mouth and kissing her knuckles. "I never want to do anything to hurt you, Evie. Everything I do, it's because my feelings are so strong for you… I … Christ, I'm so out of my element here and there are all these f**ked up things… Just, be patient with me?"
And then my sweet Evie does the one thing that no one has done for me in eight years, the one thing I couldn’t have even asked for because I didn’t know how much I needed it. She puts her arms around me and holds me close.
CHAPTER 23
I order dinner while Evie takes a shower. I screwed up and I know it. Talking to Evie the way I did weighs heavily on my mind. My anger was at Lauren and I took it out on her. And I’m still asking her to be patient with me. How much longer will she be willing to do that? She knows I’m holding back from her, and yet she’s trusting me anyway. I think she senses that my feelings for her are honest, but she must know that what I’m holding back from her has the potential to change her mind about me. I’ll hurt her either way. And I’ll lose her either way. I stare out at the city unseeing, misery roiling through my gut.
I feel Evie’s arms wrap around my waist from behind and I sigh, leaning back into her warmth. She lays her head against my back, and I take her hands in mine from the front. I want her comfort. Crave her comfort. We stand like this quietly for several minutes, me finding peace in her warmth and her sweetness. Being held in her arms is like a balm to my heart.
I breath deeply, letting Evie’s magic wash over me – nothing in this crazy, messed up world feels quite so bad when I’m standing in her embrace. Nothing feels like it can’t be overcome when I feel her love surrounding me. I want to turn around and fall to my knees at her feet and declare my undying love, tell her that I would charge into battle for her, do anything and everything to keep her. Will you tell her the truth? Will you risk losing her? A small whisper resonates in the back of my mind. I hold onto her more tightly.
After a little bit, she gives me a squeeze and slides her warm hands up the bottom of my shirt. I feel her lean down and then I feel her lips kissing and licking up my spine. I can feel her smiling against my skin. As she moves higher, I tense. My back is off limits, for now. Someday soon, baby, I’m going to tell you about how I missed you so f**king badly, I needed you etched into my skin permanently to even make it to the next breath.
I turn around so that my stomach is at her face, and she looks up at me and presses her lips against it. "Evie," I breathe. I still feel guilty about my words earlier, and I feel like I should pull her up to me and stop her from proceeding with what I see in her eyes, but try as I might, I can’t bring myself to do it. As we make eye contact, a live current rushes between us and blood rushes downward, hardening me immediately. I want to make sure that she’s okay with this.
But when she smiles up at me and goes down on her knees, unbuttoning my jeans, my mind blanks and it’s sweet relief. She takes my zipper down and pulls my jeans and boxers down my legs, springing me free. I feel the cool air against my erection and I want her mouth on me so badly, I ache. "Put your mouth on me, please, Evie," I beg, all rational thought gone.
She looks at me with big, dark eyes and then leans into me and licks the underside of my erection. Oh God, oh God.
She takes me in her mouth, fluttering her tongue across the underside of my cock, and then sucking gently, and I can’t help the involuntary thrust of my hips. She owns me right now and I love giving myself to her completely. The relief in being able to lose control to her is overwhelming.
Her hair falls over her face and I brush it aside and hold it there, wanting to watch. The physical sensations are incredible, but the visual of Evie’s lips stretched around my c**k is so exciting, I already feel spikes of pleasure racing through my belly, tightening my balls and making me groan involuntarily.
As she takes me fully in her mouth, she looks up at me and I feel a burst of pr**cum. She takes the base of my erection in one hand and starts sucking me rhythmically, and I’m completely at her mercy.
"Oh, f**k! Evie… your mouth… Like that!" I grind out, my voice heavy with lust.
I push my hands all the way into her hair, pulling it at the roots and holding it back from her face so I can see more of her. She moans and keeps sucking and stroking with her mouth, her eyes closed now.
I feel myself jerk in her mouth, and I can’t help thrusting my h*ps toward her face, out of control with the pleasure and the sight of her taking me in, her lips stretched around my length.