As Mom spoke of things we’d never discussed before, my eyes stung with tears at her honesty and humility. I had forgiven my mother long ago for her withdrawal after my father’s death. I had never truly been angry with her because I’d understood all too well that her heart was shattered beyond repair. My parents had an amazing relationship, and if she had taken the news any other way, it probably would have seemed strange to me. Deep down, if I had to be honest, that was how I expected someone in her position to react. To me, that was how one should grieve the loss of their spouse.
“It’s okay, Mom. I forgive you.”
“It’s not okay,” she said, her voice shaking as she wiped away a tear that had fallen. “I’m telling you that how I acted wasn’t okay.”
Wanting to reassure my mom, I squeezed her hand. “It was a long time ago. It was hard, but I survived. So did you. Look, we’re both fine.” I gave her a wavering smile, hoping she’d buy it.
“Then why do you think you’re any less strong to handle dating this boy, Dalton?”
I swallowed the boulder in my throat as I reached for my tea and took a small sip. “It’s not that I’m not strong enough to date him. It’s that I don’t want to.”
“Bullshit,” Kristy said behind a fake cough.
After shooting a quick glare Kristy’s way, I turned back to my mom. “I don’t want that in my life. I didn’t have a say in what my dad did for a job, but I feel like I have a say in what my boyfriend does. I mean, if I want to allow that into my life or not.”
My mom’s expression softened. “You can’t control who your heart falls in love with, Cammie.”
“But I can control if I do something about it or not.”
“What are you so scared of?” she asked.
“I’m scared that I’m repeating a pattern. That my life is on a vicious cycle that’s filled with loss and heartache,” I admitted, feeling vulnerable.
“Based on one event? One action?” my mom asked simply.
“One event that changed everything! One action that took away my father, your husband. Losing Dad wrecked me.”
I glanced at Kristy, surprised she hadn’t chimed in lately. She’d been so quiet that I wouldn’t have known she was still there if I couldn’t see her sitting next to me.
Mom reached out to pat my arm. “Oh, honey. Losing your father wrecked me too. But I will tell you this. If I had known how it was all going to end—if I had known the outcome before we ever started—I would have done it all anyway. I wouldn’t have given up a single second of my life with your father if given the choice. I’d choose loving him and being loved by him over the pain of losing him ten times out of ten.”
I wasn’t sure when the tears started spilling from my eyes, but the vision of my mom had turned into a blurred mess. “How can you say that? You really would have put yourself through the pain of losing him if you had known?”
“God, yes,” Mom said with a determined nod. “A thousand times yes. Losing your dad was hands down the single most painful event I’ve ever experienced. There were days I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. Days that hurt so bad, every time I opened my eyes, I prayed they’d never open again.”
I winced with that admission, horrified to know my mother had felt that way.
“But all those years I got to spend with him were the best years of my life. Being his wife filled me with pride because I respected him. He showed me what a true gentleman was made of. And he made me a mother; he gave me you. I learned what real love was because of him. And I’m a better person for it. I would never want to lose any of that because we didn’t get to grow old together. I’m just so thankful for every moment we did have.”
“Jesus, Mom.” I barely formed the words as I started bawling. Her speech was as beautiful as it was painful, as inspiring as it was heartbreaking.
Kristy reached for my hand and squeezed it as she wiped away her own tears, the kitchen now filled with the sounds of three women sniffling.
Mom stood up and gave us each a hug. “I love you so much, sweetheart, and I’m so proud of you. I would hate to see you make your choices in love out of fear. What happened to your dad could have happened to anyone. It didn’t happen because he was a police officer. He wasn’t killed because he was a cop. He was killed because he was in the way, because he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the right time, because he saved that little girl’s life.”
She smiled through her own tears. “It all depends on how you look at it. Don’t make Dalton pay for what some thug did to your dad. Don’t give that person that kind of power over you and your life. We both know he’s done enough damage.”
I had never thought about it that way before. By running away from Dalton, I was giving my dad’s killer even more power over me. He was winning, and I was choosing to let him. I’d already lost so much.
“I know that was a bit of an emotional dump.” Mom smiled and tilted her head. “But you understand what I’m trying to tell you, don’t you?”
“That love is worth the risk?” I asked, hoping my answer was the right one.
“For the right person, it is. Don’t give up on Dalton because you’re scared your future might look the way mine did. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you. Your future might be way brighter than mine ever was. With a lot more kids,” she added with a wink. “Just try to think about it that way.”