“I saw what losing my dad did to my mom and I can’t be in that position. I can’t willingly put myself through this with you.” She pressed her lips together as she swiped away her tears, sitting up a little straighter as she built up a wall against me, pushing me out.
“But you understand where I’ve been and why I couldn’t call, right?” I reached out, wanting to touch her, to pull her in my arms and kiss some sense into her, but pulled my hand back.
She nodded, but didn’t meet my eyes. “I do. I’m not mad at you, my brain understands the logic of it all, but you weren’t here. You didn’t see what I went through emotionally. You don’t know how I felt.”
Cammie tried to explain, but I could see I was losing her. Her body language changed completely as she tried to close herself off from me. I had to keep fighting.
“I know this is hard for you. I can only imagine what the idea of me getting hurt does to you. But, Cammie, I just got you back. Please don’t ask me to walk away from you again. I don’t think I can do it.”
She frowned at me, her brows drawing together as if I’d said the stupidest thing ever. “Dalton, I had a freaking panic attack! And that happened because I was worried about you and thought something had happened to you. You not showing up triggered something in me that made me come undone. I can’t live my life like that. I can’t be worried all the time and have to take a bunch of pills to deal with it.”
Seeing the pain in Cammie’s eyes reminded me so much of how she’d looked after her dad’s death. The vacant dullness had returned, only this time it was because of me. Her expression looked hollowed out, and it sent me back to those dark days when Cammie had first stopped smiling. And it absolutely gutted me to know that I was the cause of her anguish.
How could I convince her that I’d never leave her; that I’d be okay? In this job, my safety could never be guaranteed, but I refused to lie to her about it. On the other hand, I couldn’t let her go. Not again. Not after reconnecting the way we had. There was a special bond between Cammie and me, something that never quite died with time. It didn’t fade away, lessen, or cease to exist, instead it simmered, waiting for us to come within feet of each other so it could reignite and set us both aflame.
I was on fire and I refused to burn alone.
She could attempt to convince herself that she didn’t need me, or this, but I knew in my heart it was a lie. There was no way I could pretend that this connection between us didn’t exist or that I could live without it—or without her. Sure, I could exist without Cammie Carmichael, but that’s all I would be doing . . . existing. I wouldn’t truly be living without her by my side.
Reaching out, I lifted her chin so she would meet my eyes. “I don’t want to lie to you and tell you that my job isn’t dangerous at times, because it is. But it’s not always like that. What can I say to reassure you? Tell me what to say and I’ll say it.”
Looking up at me, her eyes wide with fear told me everything I needed to know. Then her words confirmed my suspicions of what prompted her need to pull away from me.
“All of this terrifies me,” she said, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “Absolutely terrifies me. I see the cycle repeating, and I don’t want to be incapable of taking care of myself if something happens to you. You know, the way my mother was. ”
“You’re not your mom,” I said firmly, trying to reassure her and sway her back over to my side. But the truth was that I had no idea how much Cammie was—or wasn’t—like her mom, and she knew it.
Cammie shook her head wildly. “You weren’t here. You didn’t see me. Ask Kristy when she’s awake. She’ll tell you how not okay I was, and how much I hated myself for feeling that way.”
“I want to fix this. How can I fix this for us?” I pleaded with her, wanting so badly to take her in my arms. If I thought she’d let me kiss her, I’d do it until all her pain was gone. Not touching her after being away from her was killing me. My hands itched to be touching her body.
“You can’t,” she admitted, her jaw clenching tightly.
With that, I knew that her mind was made up. Cold chills raced down my spine as I realized there would be no changing her position on this. At least, not tonight. I’d be damned if I let her walk away like this.
“I don’t want this lifestyle, Dalton,” she said tersely, her tone convincing enough that it sucked all the air from my lungs.
Six words from Cammie’s lips were all it took to send fissures straight through my heart. I knew she was scared, but I’d underestimated how deeply my choice of profession would affect her. After all, she’d seemed so fine with it at first. Hell, she probably had been until I had to go and disappear on her without a fucking trace, and now she was pushing me away, just like she had back in high school.
I let her back then, but I couldn’t let her now. If she truly believed I’d go down without a fight, she didn’t know me at all. This entire conversation reminded me of the last time we’d spoken in high school, giving me an eerie sense of déjà vu . . .
• • •
Our entire senior class had headed to Disneyland for Grad Night, and although I didn’t really want to go, I had been convinced by my buddies that it was our last hurrah together before leaving for college. Cammie still wasn’t fucking talking to me, and I still had no idea why.
The busses were loaded alphabetically, so I wasn’t allowed on Cammie’s bus for the near two-hour drive each way. It pissed me off, because part of my plan to get her to talk to me again included her being in a confined space where she couldn’t run away. I convinced myself that I would be hard to resist for four hours. But that was before the alphabetical shit.