I'm in a daze as he walks with me to the kitchen, where he scoops up my keys and hands them to me. "Don't worry about dinner. And don't be sorry. This isn't your fault. It's me, I'm messed up."
He practically pushes me to the front door, where I turn to look up at him, clutching my phone and keys, tears falling down my cheeks. "What's happening to us?" I ask.
His deep chestnut eyes are filled with regret as he shakes his head. "I don't know, Angel, but I think we need some time apart."
"Time apart?" The concept of that sounds so out of place to me. That's a term reserved for people in a relationship that's going bad and need to get away from each other to regroup and calm down, and to think about whether they want to be together or not. That's not us. I don't ever want to consider not having Tor in my life.
"When are you going to Katherine's this year?" he asks.
I'm taken aback by his question. "Why would you ask me that? I'm not sure I'm going. I planned to stay home this year."
"I think you should go for the summer. I think we need to put some space between us for a while."
His words steal my breath.
"You want me to go away?"
"I just think we need to get our heads straight. We've been spending too much time together."
"We always have, Tor. For like my entire life."
"I know, and that was obviously a mistake on my part."
My throat clenches along with my heart. "So you regret all the time you've spent with me?" My entire life flashes before my eyes, wondering if every memory of us together was nothing but annoyance for him while it meant so much to me.
"No, Angel. Not one minute. But I think now that you're older, it has to stop. You should be with friends your own age more. Find guys your age to date. And I should be spending time with women my age and not with you. This is all fucking wrong," he puts his hands up and backs away from me.
"But it doesn't feel wrong," I protest weakly.
His eyes are hard as steel. "It’s wrong. Trust me. We should never be touching or kissing, for any fucking reason."
"I can't believe you want me to go away," I say in disbelief.
"I think it's for the best." He says simply, his walls building up again.
"For you, maybe."
"No, for both of us. But especially for you. You just can't see it."
"That's total bullshit. I like being with you. And being kissed by you is amazing-"
He grabs my shoulders and bends down to get at eye level with me. "Stop!" he hisses. "It's just a crush, Kenzi. It's normal for your age. It'll go away."
I scoff at him. "A crush? If that's all it is, then why do you feel the same way, Tor? You're a little old for a crush, aren't you?"
"I don't even fucking know anymore, Kenzi. I just know we need to get away from each other."
I can't even fathom wanting to get away from him. All I want is to get closer to him, not further away.
"I don't know what to say," I say. "I'm confused."
"So am I," he says softly, releasing my shoulders. "I'm trying to be honest with you, Kenzi. But this is really fucking hard because I also have to do the right thing. I can't let emotions get in the way of reality."
"What does that mean?" I ask.
"It means that I'm all fucked up. I have feelings for you I shouldn't have. I'm not going to lie to you about that. But I have to be the adult here and do the right thing. This can't happen. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"I'm not a baby, Tor. I'm going to be eighteen in less than two months. That's an adult."
"It's still wrong in like twenty other ways."
I look into his eyes, pleading. "I don't want to believe that."
"We shouldn't even be having conversations like this, Kenzi. I don't know what the hell is going on anymore," he crosses the room and grabs his water and bottle of pills off the coffee table and gulps down another handful of painkillers and muscle relaxers. "I really think you should go now. Please."
I reach for the doorknob, my emotions a tornado inside. Hearing him admit he has feelings for me makes me want to throw my arms around him and hug him into oblivion, but he's taking it all away and hiding it like it's some kind of dirty secret that needs to be destroyed, and he wants me to go with it.
"Please don't do this," I beg. "Don't push me away."
"Kenzi, don't make this worse for us. I'm in a ton of pain right now, I can barely think straight from that and all the pills I've taken. I'm trying to be gentle about this, but I just need you gone."
Gone. Over and done with. No more. Done. Finished. Ended. That's what he wants.
My unwanted heart cracks.
"You're a jerk," I choke out. "You want me gone? Then fine, I'm gone."
His shoulders slump in defeat. "Don't say shit like that to me."
"I've never thought of you as weak, Tor. But I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did."
He comes back to stand in front of me at the door where I'm still standing with my hand on the knob. Diogee follows him, tail wagging, oblivious to what's going on.
"Trust me Kenzi, there's nothing fucking weak about this at all. I hate hurting you and it's killing me inside."
"Well, that's funny since you just hurt me more than anyone else ever has."
I storm out of his house, slamming the door behind me, and jump into my Jeep.
"Never drive upset," my father's words ring through my head as I back recklessly out of the driveway. Here I am, already driving with a broken heart, barely able to see through the tears in my eyes.
Spending the summer in Maine with Aunt Katherine is looking better and better. I've never been a crier or the type of person to slam doors, let alone call people names. Between the fight with Jason and now all this emotional confusion with Toren, I don't feel like myself. This isn't how I wanted to start my life as an adult. Maybe Tor is right; I need to get away from everyone for a while for a major reset.
13
Tor
Kenzi ~ age fourteen
Toren ~ age twenty-nine
When I wake from my nap, the house is quiet. Too quiet. I'm not used to it and I don't like it. Even though my mom has always traveled a lot with her band and I'm used to her not being home much, this feels different. Her absence has left a deafening silence that seems to be screaming that she's gone and never coming back.
I get out of bed and wander down the long dark hallway to my parents’ bedroom, where the door is closed halfway. Just as I approach the door, I hear voices, and my heart skips with hope. I think somehow Mom has come back and she's home, right on the other side of the door talking to Dad, cuddled in bed laughing.
But she's not.
I peer inside the dim room and my father is sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, crying. Uncle Tor is sitting next to him with his arm around him, holding my dad as he sobs.
"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this..." my father is saying over and over again.
"You can. You're okay."
"I don't know how to live without her."
"Ash, she's still here. Don't give up. I know it's hard, but you gotta have faith."
"I just want her back. I miss her so fucking much."
"I know you do. We all do."
"And what about Kenzi? How am I supposed to raise a daughter by myself in a fucking rock band?"
"I'll help you. Your family will help. I promise she'll be okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to either of you." Tor presses his lips to my dad's temple and leans his head against his, his other large, inked hand holding the side of my dad's head as he talks softly to him, comforting him. While some people may think that's odd, it is so them, and I am grateful that I'm surrounded by people who love each other so deeply, so unconditionally, that they aren't afraid to express it. It's a shame that most people won't show compassion and affection to others out of fear of judgement or rumors of their sexuality. I've always loved the bond that Tor has with my parents and now with me.
I quietly back out of the doorway, unseen and unheard, and make my way back to my bedroom, quietly closing my door behind me.
Up until recently, I've never seen my father cry before. He's always been a rock; the one who helps everyone else, always smiling, always positive. Watching him fall apart scares me, and I feel like I've lost both my parents.
Tor
I've been riding for two days straight, with no destination planned other than far the fuck away. I don't care where I end up. Wherever the road takes me, that's where I'm going. Tesla agreed to stay at my house to take care of the dog until I get back so I wouldn't have to worry about him. I told the guys I'd be out of the shop for a few days so they'd have to pick up the slack and take care of the Devils’ Wolves tasks on top of it. I hardly ever take time off, but I need it now.
And now I'm six hundred miles from home, dirty and tired, and I still can't get away from the demons in my head, and even worse, in my heart.
Fuck yeah, I'm running away. Maybe she was right. I'm weak. A seventeen-year-old girl has completely derailed my brain and rocked me off my ass. I should be stronger than this. Even Sydni never had my head all twisted up like this and she had years of practice.
I thought a nice long ride and camping out in the woods would bring my head back around and give me some clarity. The stillness of the woods, with nothing but the sound of birds chirping in the morning, crickets at night, and the wind in the trees is therapeutic for me. But the thing is, it isn't just my head that’s messed up. It's my heart.
I think I'm falling in love with her, and I'm powerless to stop it. I can feel it, like a train with no brakes, coming faster and faster, straight for me. Soon, it's going to crash, and it's not going to be pretty.