My heart hammers as we stare at each other, his dark gaze drifting from my eyes, to my lips, then back to my eyes again, debating. Struggling. I hold my breath, waiting for him to kiss me again, feeling that intense undeniable pull, but instead, he grabs my hand from his cheek, quickly brushes his lips across my knuckles, and rests my hand on the bed, pulling his away.
"Kenzi...I can't." His stormy eyes close and he shakes his head.
I nod and hug my stuffed toy against me, biting my lip to keep my tears at bay. He scoots closer to me on the bed, his leg pressing against mine through the thin quilt that's covering me, and I want him closer. I want to know what it would feel like to mold my body up against his and fall asleep in his arms. I'm envious of childhood me, who used to climb on his lap and nap with my head nestled between his shoulder and his neck.
"If it's okay with you, I'm going to take Snuggles back to your house tonight, and I'm going to bury her next to your water fountain. And when you get back home, we can plant some flowers and get a special stone for her, okay?"
"You'd do that?" This incredibly sexy man, who must have better things to do, is going to drive almost six hours round trip to bury my pet bunny for me. Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love him more, the space in my heart that is only for him doubles in size. I blink at him, teetering between bursting into tears again and wanting to kiss him madly. Is this my pseudo-uncle taking care of me or is this a man who has feelings for me doing things that would make him the most awesome boyfriend in the world?
"That's why I came here so fast. I thought you'd want her home."
I'm unable to bring himself to look at him. I'm afraid if I do, I'm going to kiss him, whether he wants me to or not, because he's got my heart in a major chokehold right now. "I'd like that a lot." I manage to say.
"Listen, Angel. I know how much you love visiting Katherine. Don't let this ruin your stay, okay? I don't want you to attach bad memories here. You gave that rabbit an amazing life; she lived way longer than most rabbits do, and I think this was where she wanted to go - sleeping in your room close to you, with a beautiful view. Fuck, if I had the choice, I'd go the same way someday."
I finally look up at him, and I can't hold back what I'm feeling any longer. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
His broad chest rises and falls slowly, and I now recognize this as him trying to gain control of himself. Trying to prevent another collision. As he absently touches the plush toy lying between us, he answers in a soft, somewhat melancholy tone.
"I hope as much as I love you."
Yes, I do.
He slowly stands, and I feel like he's taking pieces of my heart with him. Pieces I need to be whole. I have no doubt we've always loved each other, but now I'm not sure what kind of love this is. I used to think love was love and there was no gray area, but I'm learning it's just not that simple after all. Love is like an onion, with a lot of layers and a lot of tears before you get to the good part.
"I want you to go in the other room while I take care of her. Then I have to head out so I can get home before dark. Your dad's waiting for me. Apparently he wants to supervise and say some words."
I can't help but smile through sadness, because that is so much like my father to want to do a eulogy for a bunny.
"Okay...can you wait out in the hallway for a few minutes while I get dressed?" All I have on is the thin t-shirt and boy shorts I slept in last night and even though he's seen me barely dressed a hundred times, it suddenly feels too intimate.
I catch him glance down my body hidden beneath the blanket before he looks away, pulling my beanie hat down a little lower over his forehead. "Yeah...I'll come back in a few minutes."
Just as he reaches my door, I call out to him. "Hey, Tor?"
He stops and turns around with a questioning look on his face.
"When I get home, I'm giving this back to you. I want you to have it." I hold up Mopsy, and he grins and nods before he closes my bedroom door behind him.
I wait on the back porch as Tor prepares my bunny and puts her and her cage in his truck, and when he comes back to the house to say goodbye to Katherine and me, I walk back outside with him so we can be alone before he makes the drive back home.
"I can't even tell you how much this means to me, Tor."
"I already know. Just remember what I said, enjoy your summer."
"I will." The breeze carries his cologne, and I inhale it deep into me, aching to have any part of him be mine to keep. I don't want him to leave. I want to grab his hand and walk along the water with him and make wishes. I want to watch the sunset with him and cuddle up with him against the cool breeze and talk the night away. "I've missed you since I left, Tor. I don't like not talking to you."
He looks at his feet and then slowly back up at me. "I miss you too. But this doesn't change anything. There can't be anything between us."
I tilt my head and stare up at him, feeling shorter as I stand barefoot next to him on the quiet street. "There already is something between us."
"Kenzi..."
"We can try to ignore it all we want, but it's still there. I don't think you can just make it go away. Right?"
He stares off behind me now, through the trees and towards the very place on the beach I wish we were cuddled up together right now, instead of standing here in denial.
"I know I'm young, but I'm not stupid. I know what real feelings are. Can you really stand here and say that what we're feeling isn't happening?"
"No."
"Why are you so against it? Maybe we could be happy..."
His head snaps to face me. "We can't, Kenzi. You're seventeen. I'm fucking thirty-two. You're my best friend’s kid. Trust me, it would never, ever work. Not one person in our lives would accept us. Think about that. Think about how close you are to your family. Think about how close I am to your family. And now think about how disgusted they would be. How much they would hate me. Could you be happy with that?"
I shake my head as the truth of his words sink into my soul like a boulder. "No. That would be awful."
My God, he's right. I can't think of one person that would be happy for us. Maybe Chloe, but she would mainly be interested in me having sex with someone older and hot and probably wouldn't be concerned with much else. Everyone else would go completely ballistic. My father and my uncles would want to kill Tor and most likely send me off to live with nuns.
"So, that's why, Kenz. Let's just be happy we have a great friendship. That's more than most people have. How's the saying go? Lovers come and go, but friends are forever? That's what I want. You, in my life forever, with nothing fucking it up."
"I want that too. I just thought..." I lick my lips nervously as I bravely look him in the eye. "I thought I could make you happy."
His complexion pales a shade. Maybe two shades. "Kenzi, you do make me happy. I love hanging out with you. But I need a real woman to be in a relationship with," he rubs the scruff of his face and looks at me uncomfortably. "There's things I need and want that you can't give me."
I try to swallow past the lump of embarrassment, anger, and sadness that has lodged in my throat.
"Oh." Of course. He's talking about sex, and while he knows I'm a virgin, he probably can also figure out that I've not done much more than kiss. Men seem to have a radar for that sort of thing and I must be a big red beeping dot on the inexperience map. "But maybe you could teach-"
He interrupts me before I can go any further. "No. Hell no. We are not talking about this," he lets out a low whistle and shakes his head. "You gotta stop doing this to me, Kenz. It's not cool. I'm only human, ya know. I mean, fuck."
"I'm sorry."
He grabs my hand and holds it in his, and it brings me back from sinking into the depths of extreme awkwardness. "I love you," he says. "Seriously, you're my favorite person on this planet. But I want us to go back to how we were. Friends, okay?"
"Okay."
My legs get weak when he winks at me and I hold onto his hand for a moment too long as he tries to let go. "Now I'm heading outta here to take care of your bunny. I'll text you later." He places his hands on the sides of my head and leans down to kiss my forehead. His affectionate gestures cause my heart to twirl. He's always been this way, but my body's and heart's reaction to it lately is entirely different than it's ever been before. When I was little, it made me feel adored. When I was an early teen, it felt annoying and embarrassing. But now, it's a life force I can't seem to get enough of.
"I don't want you to be sad. Enjoy your vacation. Promise me?"
"I promise."
I wave to him as his truck pulls away from the curb, the hero who bought me a bunny to cheer me up when I was five years old now driving her little body back home to lay her to rest for me. I know I shouldn't be feeling so deeply for him, or wanting to feel his lips on mine and be tangled in his embrace, but I crave all of that and so much more.
If he thinks I can't be a real woman and make him happy in every way a man needs to be happy - that he needs to be happy - then I'm going to prove him wrong. My mom told me to always follow my heart, and mine is galloping towards him like a wild horse.
16
Tor
Kenzi ~ age sixteen
Tor ~ age thirty-one
Every week when I clean Tor's house, I feel guilty that he pays me fifty dollars because his house is always so clean already. I wipe down his kitchen and bathrooms, do his laundry if any is laying around, clean out his refrigerator, and vacuum. Today I feel like I should try to do more to justify my fifty, so I clean all his windows and mirrors, and move as much of his furniture as I can to vacuum under it. In the corner of his bedroom is an old glass jug that's about two and a half feet high and about the same in circumference with a big handle on the side. The jug is filled with mostly quarters and dimes that reach about three inches away from the top opening of the jug. It's been in the same place for as far back as I can remember, so I try to move it so I can vacuum underneath it and around it, but it weighs a ton. I can't budge it for anything. He comes into the bedroom just as I'm cleaning it with glass spray cleaner and a cloth.