Not that I’d be working in New York, of course, but since I was a professional photographer with one hell of a portfolio, I could freelance when I was ready. But that wouldn’t be for quite a while. Nora offered me a one-month gig in France recently, but I turned it down. She said she knew I would, but she wanted to offer it to me anyway.
Jack encouraged my going to France for the shoot since it was during his off-season, but I refused to leave my boys during those rare months we actually got to be a family unit. Being away from Chance and Jack for that long by choice wasn’t something I was comfortable with. And since I didn’t want to take any work during Jack’s baseball season, I spent my time taking silly pictures of Chance and the ocean outside my office window. Maybe once Chance got older, I might consider traveling for shoots, but maybe not. Only time would tell.
I still woke up every morning feeling blessed for the opportunity to live in this house. There’d been more than one occasion where I’d walked the beach for hours, allowing my thoughts to get lost in the sand between my feet.
Chance fell in love with the ocean as soon as he could walk. He would spend all day playing in the sand if I’d let him, and I’ve stopped him from running straight into the water more often than not. No one told me how difficult it was to reason with a child. They simply don’t have the understanding of fear the way we do.
In some ways I envied Chance’s state of mind. I knew he was a child, but he was fearless and did things that adults would never do simply because he wanted to. The mom in me attempted to balance instituting some fear in him to keep him safe, while also encouraging his desire to try new things and be brave. Being a mom meant that each day I was challenged in a new way. It was the toughest, yet most rewarding job I’d ever have.
Jack was still playing for the Angels, although there was one year when talks of a trade scared us half to death. The thought of Jack moving to another state for eight months out of the year didn’t sit well with either of us.
Thankfully they were just rumors that were reported nonstop on ESPN and the news, but weren’t based on any facts. It was funny how often that kind of thing happened. So many things got leaked and talked about on the sports channels that had no factual basis at all. Not surprisingly, the mention of “a reliable source” was all those shows needed to give them the leeway to report whatever they wanted.
One day Jack’s coach pulled him into his office, and Jack told me later that he’d braced for the news, terrified to have to tell me he’d be leaving again. But the coach only called him in to tell him that the rumors were false and they had no intention of letting Jack go.
“I was so scared when Coach called me in, Kitten. You have no idea,” Jack confessed as we lay in bed that night.
“Oh, I can imagine,” I breathed against his chest. “I’m so glad it was only rumors.”
“They shouldn’t be able to say shit like that.”
“Daddy, bad word.” Chance’s tiny voice surprised us, coming from the doorway of our bedroom.
Jack and I immediately sat up. “You’re right,” Jack told him. “That was a bad word. What are you doing up, bud?”
“I had a bad dream,” he confessed, dragging his tattered blue blanket behind him as he walked toward Jack’s side of the bed. “Can I sleep with youse guys?”
I smiled and scooted away from my husband to make some space between us. “You bet. Get in here.” Jack reached for him and helped pull him up onto our bed.
“Thanks, Mommy. Thanks, Daddy.” He scrambled under the blankets and in no time fell back to sleep.
Jack stared lovingly at our little boy and said quietly, “I’m away from you two enough already. If they traded me I would have quit.”
“What? No, you wouldn’t have,” I insisted. Not because I didn’t want Jack to be home more, but because I didn’t really believe him.
“This is my tenth season, Kitten. Full pension after I complete it. I’ve been thinking about it anyway.”
“Thinking about what? Quitting?”
I couldn’t imagine Jack not playing baseball. All I’d ever known was him being a ball player three hundred sixty-five days a year. It wasn’t something he could turn off when he wasn’t playing. He was always prepped, prepared, and working toward new goals.
All his hard work paid off. The amazing thing was, Jack actually did come back as strong as he once was. He was right when he’d insisted that he just needed time to fully heal. These days he consistently threw between ninety-three and ninety-four mile-per-hour pitches, just like before.
“I think this might be my last season.”
I sucked in a shocked breath. Hearing those words from him both excited and terrified me. I didn’t want Jack to go back to being who he was when he got hurt. That fear remained, even as I responded, “It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you decide to do. Just be sure, okay?” I smiled reassuringly and rubbed his arm before turning out the light and snuggling next to our bed-hogging son.
But my eyes stayed open as my mind whirled, and it was nearly dawn before I fell into a fitful sleep.
You Miss Out
It had been five years since Cassie and I extended our family, since the birth of our amazing son, Chance. I loved Cassie more today than I did yesterday. And there was no doubt that I’d love her more tomorrow than I did right now. There seemed to be no end to my love for this girl.
She made me a better person. She was the mother of my child. There was no way I could explain how this made me feel about her. I only knew that my heart felt like it expanded daily to fit in all the love I had for her.