Cassie started missing the majority of my games; even the home ones as Chance got older. She did her best to attend every game I was scheduled to pitch for, whether she brought Chance or not. And she only traveled with me if Melissa and Dean watched Chance, but now that he was starting school, she felt extra guilty about leaving him at all.
I tried to convince her to bring him to more away games, but it was just too hard for her during the school year. And even when we played at home, it was usually on a weekday and that didn’t fly with her. She insisted on giving Chance as much structure as possible, with a schedule that didn’t include growing up at a ballpark.
Weekends were a different story, though. Thank God for weekend games. Although now that Chance had started playing Pony baseball, I wasn’t sure how many of my games they’d be able to make.
I definitely played second string to my son. And you know what? I didn’t mind at all. What I did f**king mind, though, was the fact that I missed out on all these things. My entire life had revolved around being at a baseball stadium, or traveling to one.
There was no need for anyone to tell me how good I’d had it, because I already knew. But no one ever told you how hard it really was to balance family with a baseball career. You know why they didn’t tell you?
Because it was impossible.
There was no balance.
Baseball won every time.
Never getting days off to plan or celebrate anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays was one thing when it was just me and Kitten. It still f**king sucked and I felt like a dick, but Cassie never complained. Not once. But it was another thing entirely to miss out on your own kid’s birthday. Every year since he’d been born, I’d missed his party. Sure, I got to relive each one in a series of photographs Cassie had taken. But it wasn’t the same as actually being there.
Chance was getting ready to start kindergarten the next day. It was his first day of “big kid” school, as he liked to call it, and I was stuck in some swanky hotel in Arizona. I knew Cassie was fine without me, but I hated missing out on everything. Dialing her number, I couldn’t help but smile when he answered the phone instead of her.
“Hello? Daddy?”
“Hey, bud. Getting ready for school tomorrow?”
“Uh huh. We’re shopping right now.”
“Oh, I see. Can you put Mommy on the phone?”
“No.”
“Uh, why not?” I stopped myself from laughing.
“‘Cause it’s my turn to talk to you. She always gets to talk to you,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You’re right. But I need to tell her one thing and then she’ll give you back the phone, okay?”
“Okay.” His voice sounded deflated as he handed the phone to his mom.
“Hey, babe,” she said with a giggle.
“What are you shopping for?”
“Oh my gosh, the school gave us a list of supplies he needs for his class. You should see the size of this thing. I’m walking around the store trying to find all this crap.”
“Bad word!” Chance shouted in the background and Cassie apologized to him.
“Do you have any idea how weird it is to look at him and see you? He has your eyes, Jack. They make me miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. I wish I were there. Take pictures of his first day and send them to me. Don’t forget.”
I’d insisted that Cassie do that with everything I missed. My phone’s photo albums were filled with pictures of events and parties that I didn’t get to see in real life, but got to experience via photo text message.
“I won’t forget. Chance is pulling on my shirt. He wants to talk to you.”
“I love you, Kitten. Miss you,” I said before hearing the fumbling of the phone being passed over.
“Daddy, guess what?”
“What?”
He sucked in a big breath. “I start school tomorrow and Coby is mad because he can’t come with me. He has to be in the baby school still and I get to go with the big kids.”
I smiled. “So, you’re excited?”
“Yep! ‘Bye, Daddy. I love you,” he said out of nowhere before hanging up on me. I sat on my hotel bed with my jaw slack.
The little shit.
My phone immediately beeped with a text.
Sorry. Guess he was done. LOL. I’ll call you later. Love you.
Knowing that the list of shit he needed for school fell on Cassie’s shoulders made me feel like a complete ass**le. I started to feel like my heart was made of kite string, unraveling into a heap of nothing inside my guts. My dad walked out on me and my brother and never came back. My mom chose to leave us too. I would never leave my family, but how was I any better than my parents? I may not have left, but I was still never home.
I tossed and turned all night, trying to fall sleep. Instead of being focused on tomorrow’s game, all I could think about was the fact that it was my five-year-old son’s first day of school and I was going to miss it. The same way I missed everything else in our lives. Tugging at my hair, I had to force myself to stop from crying at the mere thought that I had a five-year-old already. Where had the time gone? How had five years flown by so fast?
I f**king hated being away from my family and I especially hated missing important days like this. It made me feel like a worthless absentee father with each event I continued to miss out on. Cassie never made me feel bad about it. No one did. Everyone claimed to understand, but I was the one who stopped being so forgiving.