“I told Mom what had happened the moment I saw her. I told her everything.” I paused because the tears had started. I felt one drop fall onto Jesse’s neck. His arms flexed around me. “And you know what she did after I finished telling my story?” Jesse shook his head against mine. “She grounded me for lying to her and said if I ever told her the same kind of lie again, she’d send me off to some all girls’ reform school.” My mom and I had never been close—I’d always known I was the mistake she wished she’d never made—but after that day, whatever frail bond we had was forever broken. “Her ass**le boyfriend called later that night to break up with her. He thought it was for the best since I’d ‘thrown myself at him’ while she’d been away. She slapped me across the face, called me a little slut, and grounded me again.”
If there was a way to curl deeper into Jesse’s arms, I was trying.
“After that, I turned into the walking train-wreck that landed me here in the first place.”
As hard as it was, retelling the story was easier than I’d expected. I guessed that was because of who I was telling, but as Jesse’s silence continued, I wondered if giving him the “whole” story had been such a good idea.
“Rowen,” he said at last. His voice was low and vibrated just enough that I knew he was trying to keep some emotions in check. “I love you.”
I nodded my head beneath his chin.
“If there was any way for me to go back in time and protect you from that piece of shit, I would do it like that.” He snapped his fingers. “If there was any way for me to go back and kick the shit out of him so he’d never even think about touching another girl again, I would.”
The anger he restrained almost made me shiver. Other than that night with Garth when he’d come to get me, I hadn’t heard Jesse sound like that.
“But since I can’t travel back in time, I’m going to promise you this now. I will protect you. I will keep you safe.” His mouth dropped to my forehead and he kissed it. “You are safe.”
I was safe.
I. Was. Safe.
Those were three words I’d needed to hear from my mom five years ago. Jesse’s arms wrapped around me the way I’d needed her arms to wrap around me then. He comforted me exactly the way I’d needed comforting as a terrified thirteen-year-old. He was healing the wound that had been opened so long ago, I’d almost forgotten it was still there. I’d distracted myself with things that numbed my mind and body just enough I could continue to forget.
I didn’t need those things anymore. I’d never need them again. I wasn’t healed—I wasn’t naive enough to think some words and hugs would heal that kind of a wound—but I’d been heard. Finally, someone had heard me and believed me.
I could take my first step forward. Finally.
“Thank you for listening,” I said. “And thank you for what you just said. I’m sorry my past is such a ginormous cluster-fuck.”
Jesse’s head shook.
“Please don’t say you don’t care about what I’ve done or what’s been done to me,” I said before he could. “Please don’t say that.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.” His lips brushed over my forehead. “I do care about your past, Rowen. It’s made you who you are today, and that’s the girl I’m in love with.”
“Okay. Did you come with some sort of manual that goes over the exact right thing to say to a girl?” I lifted my head so I could look at his face. After a moment, he mirrored my smile. “Because I swear to God, you say the exact perfect thing at the right time.”
“I don’t need a manual to tell the truth.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled the blankets around me. “We’d better get to sleep. Or else you’re going to fall asleep in the blueberry pancake batter in the morning.”
Jesse was back. The anger was gone, his muscles had stop quivering, and his voice was back to normal. I’d just admitted my darkest secret, and he’d heard it, accepted it, comforted me, and moved on.
After five years of feeling like I was suffocating, I could breathe again.
“I don’t want to go to sleep,” I said.
“You’ve officially de-flowered me, and we’ve talked about so many serious things, my head’s still spinning.” I elbowed his side for the “de-flower” comment. “What else could you possibly have in mind?”
I rubbed my leg down his stomach. “You want to know the perk to the guy being the one losing his virginity?”
Jesse cleared his throat as my leg brushed over the part of him that was already hard again. “That he’s not a virgin anymore?”
I laughed as I pivoted on top of him. “No,” I said, running my hands up his chest. His eyes were excited, along with the rest of his body. No sleep for the weary. “That he can do it again right after.”
Chapter Sixteen
Jesse had been right. I did almost pass out into the pancake batter the next morning. Although it was huckleberry, not blueberry.
We did go to sleep. Eventually. But an hour of sleep didn’t really cut it. I was waiting for the coffee to brew and almost counting the minutes until I could be with Jesse again.
It would be one long-ass day.
“Penny for your thoughts.” Rose came up beside me holding a bowl and beating the eggs inside it with a wire whisk.
I didn’t care if she offered me a million dollars for my thoughts. I would not admit having dirty thoughts to the mother of the boy I was having them about.