“Rose was wrong. You haven’t changed. And you never will,” Mom said.
The words hit me like another slap to the face.
“Neither will you,” I replied, moving up beside Jesse. His arm pressed out in front of me, blocking my way. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t trust what my mom would do to me or what I’d do to her.
Neil, Rose, and the girls huddled off to the side, watching the whole scene with confusion and sadness. They didn’t need to know what was going on to realize something was extremely wrong.
By that time, Pierce had crawled inside the car and was blasting the horn.
“Rowen. Get in the car,” Mom demanded, grabbing for my wrist. I swiped it away, and Jesse blocked my mom when she tried again. “You are leaving with us right now, young lady. I don’t want you staying with these people another second longer.”
My blood boiled when I realized my mom wanted to take away the one good thing I had going in my life: that place and those people. “These people?” I said, crossing my arms and glaring at her. “The kind of people who love me? You know, the unconditional kind? Oh, wait. Never mind, you’re not familiar with that kind.” I shook my head and stepped toward her. I wasn’t backing away. I wasn’t running away from her. I was standing up to her at last. “The kind of people who trust me? The kind of people who would actually believe their daughters if they ever told them they were almost molested?” From behind us, I heard Rose gasp. “The kind of people who wouldn’t bring that same man back into their lives years later and expect everything to be all right? Are those the kind of people you’re really so concerned about leaving me with? Because from my point of view, you and your boyfriend are the most concerning people I could ever be around.”
I was venting years of baggage, years of frustration, and it felt freeing in a way I’d only dreamed of.
“You stay here,” Mom replied, her face every shade of pissed, “kiss art school goodbye.”
My dream. The whole reason I’d sucked it up and gone to Willow Springs in the first place. “Bye, mom.”
Her eyes flashed onyx before she spun around and marched toward the car. As she swung the passenger side door open, she said, “Goodbye, Rowen. Have a nice life.”
“I will,” I whispered as they peeled out of the driveway. Mom never looked my way again.
Jesse draped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Rowen, I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so damn sorry you had to go through that.”
I nodded into his shirt, feeling a couple of tears about to leak out. “Are you all right?” I pulled back so I could examine his face. His hair was a little rumpled, but that was the only sign he’d been in a fight.
“He never even landed a punch,” he answered, running his thumbs under my eyes to wipe the tears away. “I’m just fine.”
“Sweetheart,” Rose said, tears streaming down her face as she approached us. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. I didn’t know. I never would have let them come if I’d known—”
I shook my head. “I didn’t even know until he walked into the kitchen. I’ll be fine. Really.” No one, least of all Jesse, looked convinced. “If you all don’t mind, I just need a moment.” I walked away. As Jesse started following me, I clarified, “Alone. To sort a few things out.”
Jesse’s forehead lined, and Rose looked like she was fighting her instinct to wrap me in her arms.
“I’m fine,” I said before turning around and heading for the barn. I didn’t want to go back into the house to witness the mess I’d inadvertently been responsible for, so the barn would have to do.
I jogged inside and checked once over my shoulder to make sure no one followed me. Everyone was filing back into the house. Except for Jesse. He camped out on the porch steps, watching me like he was fighting his instinct to come after me. But he did as I asked and stayed.
I wandered down the row of stalls until I found a clean, empty one with a few bales of straw. It looked like the perfect place to “have a moment” and let everything that had just happened catch up with me.
A few of the horses in the nearby stalls whinnied a welcome, but, other than that, the barn was silent. I dropped down on one of the bales and leaned my back into the stall wall. The thought that kept bursting to the forefront of my mind was how hard I’d worked all summer to make myself better, how I’d actually succeeded, and my mom saw nothing but the troubled juvenile delinquent she’d always seen in me. I knew I could never do anything that would impress her, never do anything to earn her unconditional love and respect.
I’d have to learn to accept that, but I wasn’t sure if I could ever make peace with it. Could a person ever truly heal from that kind of a wound? Only time would tell.
The next thing that worked its way to the front of my mind had me lifting my legs up to my chest and curling into an upright ball. It was a thought, or a realization, or a damned epiphany that I didn’t want to have, but I had it nonetheless. No matter how hard I worked to overcome that troubled girl I’d been, she’d always be hiding just below the surface, ready to pop out when something set her free.
That person I’d been for so long was not removable. She was a part of me. Forever. That girl could rise to the surface before I could stop her. She’d push people away before they got too close, hurt them before they could hurt me. I couldn’t allow myself to be the toxic person to Jesse that my mom was to me. I couldn’t poison his life the way she had mine.