Her legs felt like anchors as she walked up the stairs to their apartment and slowly opened the door. She had half hoped he wouldn’t be home, but Clay sat alone at their kitchen table. He looked like he’d been crying. His hair was a complete mess and she felt sick for having caused him pain.
“Are you going to tell me what’s been going on? Is Tray okay?” His voice sounded exasperated and there was a longing she didn’t recognize.
He still thought Caroline had been in New York to see Tracey? Caroline cursed Bailey silently for not telling him that part. “Tray’s fine. I’m so sorry for leaving our party like that.”
“Yeah, what was that? Why did you have to leave like that? What happened?” The details didn’t add up for Clay and Caroline knew it.
She mustered up all of her strength and courage. “We need to talk.”
Clay’s eyes fell flat. “That’s never a good sign.”
Caroline started with, “Clay. You know I love you, right?”
Clay’s jaw tightened and his eyes misted. “Of course I do,” he said and reached out to stroke her arm.
“I can’t do this.” And with those words, Caroline lost it. The tears started to fall rapidly and she could barely stand the pain she was about to cause.
“Can’t…do what?” Clay’s voice hitched.
“I can’t marry you,” she whispered. She couldn’t bring herself to say the dreaded words any louder.
“What do you mean you can’t marry me?” He stood up from the chair and paced nervously back and forth.
She watched him before she answered. “I mean, I can’t. I don’t want to.” She never intended to say it so harshly. She wanted to lessen the blow as much as possible, but telling a guy you don’t want to marry them? There’s no easy way to do that.
“You don’t want to? Since when? You’re just getting cold feet, right?” His questions flew out in desperation.
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so, but you aren’t sure. So maybe it is just cold feet. Why don’t you sleep on it and we’ll see how you feel in the morning?” he demanded.
“I’ve been sleeping on it for the past three months!” she blurted out.
The energy in the room immediately shifted. Clay stopped pacing. “Oh,” was all he could say. The devastation was written all over his face as his eyes started to glisten. He fell to his knees and Caroline could barely stand to watch.
“I’m so sorry, Clay, I never meant to hurt you. I just…things changed, I guess. I’ve changed.”
He looked up from the floor. “How have you changed? How did this happen? I don’t understand.” His voice trailed off as he continued. “We were fine in New York…and we were fine here. But then Johnny died and you’ve never really been the same. But it can’t be that. And then there was that guy from baggage claim.” He paused as understanding dawned.
“Is there someone else?”
She couldn’t bear the thought of inflicting more pain on someone as undeserving of it as Clay. Eventually she would tell him the whole truth, but it couldn’t be tonight. Not right now. “Of course not,” she lied through her teeth as bile churned in the pit of her stomach.
“Then, what happened? How can we fix this?” His desperate pleas filled the space between them.
Tears fell, her head shook, and she forced the words out. “We can’t. I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Clay’s face reddened and his eyes narrowed in disgust. “You don’t just wake up one day and not want to marry me. Something happened. Something had to have happened!”
Prickles of fear crept across her skin. She’d never heard Clay’s voice so angry before. “Nothing happened, Clay. I don’t know.”
“This is bullshit! You’re lying. I know you’re lying!” His anger quickly grew.
“I’m not! Getting married doesn’t feel right any more and you deserve so much better than that. Clay, you deserve someone who loves you and wants to marry you and be with you forever.”
“That used to be you.” As quickly as it entered his body, the anger subsided. Hurt took its place as tears rolled down his cheeks, the crimson color fading with each breath.
“I know,” she sniffed. “I’m so sorry.” She pulled the ring from her finger and placed it in the palm of his hand.
He clenched his fingers into a fist tightly around it. “I don’t want this. I just want you.”
Caroline fought off the sick feeling that rose in her stomach.
“Why are you doing this?” Clay begged.
“I’m so sorry, Clay. I’ll stay at Bailey’s tonight and then I’ll pack my things during the week while you’re at work.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. I never imagined…” His voice turned soft and he mumbled things Caroline couldn’t quite make out.
She couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Once in the darkened narrow hallway, her emotions took over. What had she done? For a brief moment, she actually contemplated running back into the apartment and telling Clay she didn’t mean any of it. She would beg for his forgiveness and everything would return to normal. Her mind screamed at her to remove the chaos and pain. It wanted her to go back to where things were comfortable and easy.
She tried to steady her racing heartbeat by breathing in slow, deep breaths. With her hands on her knees, she acknowledged that amidst all of this turmoil, a small part within her dazzled with joy. Her life was no longer a road on a map she could clearly see. She was on a new path, full of endless opportunities and possibilities.