I couldn’t believe my father would agree with anything I was doing.
“I’ll call him. Thanks, Charles.”
“I’m sorry.” He looked up from the counter. “I’m sorry about Adam and Seth and this whole mess.”
“That means a lot to me, but I’ll figure it out.”
“I know you will.”
The best thing a brother can say to you is that he believes in you. It takes more nerve than I’m sorry, or even I love you.
Over the next fifteen minutes, I made three calls. The first was to my dad.
“Hello,” he said.
“Thank you so much, Dad, for offering to help me out.”
“You’re welcome, Charlotte. I’m worried about you, though.” His voice dropped.
“This isn’t one of my bleeding-heart charity cases, like Curtis.”
“I know, which is why I’m worried. I don’t want this to tear you apart.” My dad didn’t ever talk to me about my personal life like this.
I swallowed. “I love him and it has nothing to do with his cancer.” The airwaves were plagued with silence. “Did you hear me, Dad?”
“I heard you.”
“What? You don’t think I’m strong enough?”
“I don’t think anyone is strong enough.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you weren’t my dad.”
“Daddies want to protect their little girls from having their hearts broken.” He had never acted this way toward me.
“It would break my heart more if I couldn’t be with him right now. I’m stronger because of him.”
“Your mother believes you’re doing the right thing.”
“But you don’t?”
“I just—”
I cut him off. “Please tell Mom thank you for me. I’ll come out and see you guys soon.”
“Charlotte . . .”
“I have to go, Dad. I love you.”
“Love you, too,” he said, sounding defeated.
We hung up and a second later I was dialing the hospital. I got Leah on the phone. “How is Adam?”
“He’s fine. Hang tight okay? He’ll call you in the morning. Get some rest.”
“What is going on, Leah?”
“Just trust me. Adam is okay and we have a specialist coming in to do some tests.”
“For what?” He’s doing the trial. He has to be. He’s setting it up. He promised.
“It’s not what you think. Just hang tight, Charlotte. He’ll call you in the morning.”
“If anything happens while I’m not there, I’m going to be pissed.”
She laughed.
“It’s not funny,” I said.
“It’s only funny because Adam said you would say that. He’s okay for now. The tumors aren’t growing at the pace we thought.”
More hope.
“So are they going to try and remove them?”
“Charlotte, I can’t discuss this any further with you over the phone.”
“I don’t know what he’s up to, but I’m not going to be able to sleep at all tonight.”
“Try. I’ll call you if anything comes up, I promise. And I’ll give the night nurse the same instructions.”
“Okay fine. Thank you.” I hung up.
I went to the kitchen and drank several large swigs of white wine directly from the bottle, then went back to my room and called Seth.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hi. It’s Charlotte.”
“I know.” Awkward silence.
“How is your wrist?”
“It’s going to be okay. I sat out two games just to be on the safe side, but I’ll be back on the field tomorrow.”
“That’s good.”
“How’s Adam?”
“I’m not really sure. He might participate in a trial, a new cutting-edge treatment.”
He didn’t reply, but I could hear him take a deep, irritated breath. “That’s good for him. So that leaves us exactly where I thought. Why are you calling?”
Ouch.
“I guess . . . I’m asking for forgiveness and I’m trying to say . . . I think . . . I guess I’m . . .”
“Just spit it out, Charlotte. What? You realize you weren’t really into me?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Then what?”
“I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be with Adam. I have . . . been with Adam.” My mouth filled with saliva like I was going to throw up. I ran to my desk and grabbed the wastebasket, all the while listening to Seth’s agitated breaths over the phone. “But Seth, I liked you. I just . . . I can’t ask you to wait.”
“You have to do it?”
“Yes. But it’s more than that. I want to be with him.”
Several seconds of silence went by, again making me feel more and more nauseous.
“Okay then . . .” he said. He sounded resigned. “I hope for you and for Adam’s sake that he pulls through. I can’t imagine your devastation if he doesn’t.” Before I could respond and convey my utter sadness at leaving things this way, he said, “Listen, Charlotte, I have to go. The team trainer is waiting for me in the locker room.”
“Where are we leaving this conversation? I mean, do you forgive me? You don’t hate me?”
“This is where we’re leaving this conversation. There’s nothing to forgive. I don’t hate you. You owe me nothing.” I detected indifference in his tone.
“You’re right, I don’t owe you anything. I just thought because we kind of had the beginning of a good thing . . .”
“Yeah, we did. I have to go; the trainer is waiting.”
“Okay.” I wondered if I was throwing away the one viable possibility for a real, stable relationship. Seth was the first person I had ever dated who had it all together. It felt like someone had punched me right in the lower part of my stomach.
I got off the phone, feeling even more confused. There wasn’t anything either one of us could do. I slept with Adam, I was taking care of Adam, and I was in love with Adam, cancer or not.
That night consisted of me alternating between tossing and turning and crying quietly into my pillow. I slept with my phone right next to my head in case the hospital called.
In the morning, I took a shower and got ready. Exhausted and out of it, I got a text message from Leah, which I thought was strange.
Leah: Hey, it’s Leah, Adam’s nurse. You can come back now.
Me: I’ll be down there soon.
On my way out the door, Chucky stopped me. He didn’t say anything; he just grabbed me and hugged me. It was probably the third time in our entire lives that we had hugged.
“What was that all about?” I said.
“Just wanted to hug my sister and say be well.”
“You’re freaking me out, Chuck.”
He squinted. “I just wanted to say I love you.”
“I love you, but I’m still totally weirded out.”
“You better get going.”
“Bye, little brother.”
“Bye, sis.”
I jogged down the stairs to my car and drove off, wondering what I would be greeted with once I arrived at the hospital.
23. The Plan
When I arrived at the hospital, there was a large crowd gathered outside Adam’s room. Some of the women were crying. The world around me started spinning. Oh no. My feet felt glued to the floor as I tried to make my way down the hall. I was already crying when Leah met me halfway.
“Who are those people, and what are they doing here?”
She took a step closer to me so that we were inches apart. “That’s Adam’s mom and dad, and over there is Adam’s old boss. The young woman was an ex-girlfriend or something. They’re all here to say good-bye.”
“Good-bye?” My vision started getting hazy. My head swayed on my neck like it was attached with putty. “Wh-why are you so calm?” As I fell to my knees she struggled to pull me up by the shoulders.
“Charlotte, he’s not dead. Stand up, he needs to talk to you.” I still didn’t understand anything.