It's sweet and I appreciate the effort he puts in, but there are times it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, to be honest. I mean, I really don't want him doing all of that for me. There are times I say something just to be funny, or just to fill a gap in the conversation, or just because it's a fleeting thought in my head – not because I actually mean it. But whenever I express the simplest desire for something, Brad is always right there to make sure my craving is satisfied.
Which is why I keep all of my desires to myself these days. I can't let him get the idea that he's my sole provider or let him get comfortable catering to my every whim. I think that's just asking for complications and problems down the line. I fear it will give him a sense of ownership or control – something I'm actively trying to discourage to keep this relationship strictly on the platonic level.
The truth is, I enjoy Brad's company. He actually is a nice guy and we have more in common today than I ever thought we did back in the day. Bri was right about time changing people. And though I remain a little bit wary at times, I think time has changed Brad in a positive way. Though there are no romantic feelings on my end for him, there is definitely a bond of friendship I feel for him.
“So, have you thought about what you're going to do once your maternity leave is up?” he asks.
I groan. “I'm trying to not think about it at the moment,” I say and rub my belly. “One hurdle at a time.”
He pops a couple of fries into his mouth and chews, never taking his eyes off me. I can see his brain turning, though, and know that he's got something brewing up there.
“What is it?” I ask.
“I was just kind of thinking that you really shouldn't go back to that law firm,” he says. “Ever. What they put you through there is unconscionable.”
I sigh and shake my head miserably. I'd filled him in on how things are done down at the firm and he was aghast. But he said he understood my reasons for staying put and enduring – understood that I don't have many options at this point.
“I may not have much of a choice,” I say. “They're going to find a way to get rid of me anyway. Which means, I need to start thinking of an alternate plan. Probably sooner rather than later.”
“Well, I had a couple of ideas about that, actually.”
“I'm all ears,” I say.
“Well, what if I hired you on down at the pharmacy?” he asks. “I mean, I can't promise you'll make what you're making now – at least, not right off the bat – but, it'll be steady work and you won't have to put up with the garbage you're dealing with now.”
“I appreciate that, Brad,” I reply. “But I don't know that working together would be the greatest idea.”
“Why not?” he says and shrugs. “We're friends.”
“I know, and I value your friendship,” I say. “That's why I don't want to put us in a position to have to worry about anything interfering with that. Having me as an employee might put you in some tough situations, and I'd never want you to feel like you had to treat me in ways you might not treat your other employees just because I'm your friend.”
He cocks his head and seems to think about it for a moment before slowly nodding. “Yeah, maybe you're right,” he says. “But, keep the idea in your back pocket as kind of a last resort sort of thing.”
I laugh. “I'll do that.”
“The other idea I had was that I can pay for your classes to finish out your program,” he rushes out, then quickly holds up his hand to cut off my quick rejection. “As a loan. Just a temporary loan. You'll pay me back for it once you start nursing.”
I sit back on the couch and let out a long breath. I have to admit; the idea is tempting. Sorely tempting. At the same time though, being indebted to anybody, let alone a man I know still has a crush on me, might not be the smartest course of action – regardless of how bad I want to finish out the program and become a nurse.
There are ten thousand reasons why it's not a good idea, but God, it's still tempting.
I tug on the ends of my hair. “Honestly, I really can't ask you to do that, Brad,” I sigh. “That's an awful lot of money.”
“Which you'll pay back,” he says simply. “And I'm making very good money at the pharmacy, so it's not going to be a problem for me. Besides, I'd rather see the money going to good use than sitting in a bank account collecting dust.”
“I really appreciate the offer, Brad, I just –”
He holds up his hand to cut me off again. “You don't have to answer me now,” he interjects. “I just wanted to throw it out there as another option. Just think about it.”
I nod. “Okay, I'll think about it,” I say. “Thank you.”
“I'd do anything for you, Lexi,” he tells me. “You should know that by now.”
The way he says it makes me a little nervous. It doesn't sound to me like one friend offering another friend some help. To me, it kind of sounds like the sort of offer made with some strings attached. With some implicit understanding that more than the money would be owed.
Brad just smiles at me, not giving any sense that he means anything other than to be a friend and be helpful to me. Which makes me try to fight off the feeling. I'm so jaded and skeptical of everything these days that I see hidden meanings that aren't really there. I catch myself doing it all the time. Maybe he really is just trying to be a good friend and I'm just being a paranoid bitch. It wouldn't be the first time and it's probably not going to be the last.
“You're lucky,” he says, looking at my belly with a longing in his eyes.
“I don't feel so lucky,” I reply with a laugh. “I feel like a beached manatee.”
He smiles. “Oh, I've just always dreamed of having a family of my own,” he confides, his tone a little sad. “The house, the kids, the whole enchilada. I don't know that I'm ever actually going to have that though. Not sure it's in the cards for me in this life.”
That longing in his eyes is what gets me. It sets off warning bells in my head because I'm pretty sure I know exactly what he's dancing around the edges of. This isn't me being my normal jaded and skeptical. Not this time. This is me being able to read him well enough to know what's going through his head. In his mind, he's picturing him, me, and the baby – the instant family he's always wanted.
“Hey, you'll find somebody,” I say quickly, trying to deflect. “Oh, which reminds me. I almost forgot. I've got a girlfriend who's dying to meet you after I told her all about you.”
That light of longing in his eyes suddenly vanishes. It's as if he suddenly realized what he was transmitting and moved quickly to squash it.
“Me?” he asks as he struggles to find a smile. “You told her about me?”
I nod. “Of course you,” I laugh. “You're a great guy, Brad. You'll make a great catch. You have a lot to offer a woman.”
“That's really sweet of you to say,” he says.
I shrug. “It's just the truth,” I reply. “Anyway, her name is Charlotte. She's amazing and I know you're going to love her as much as I do.”
He gives me a gentle laugh that sounds absolutely wooden. “Well, if she's anything like you, I'd be happy to meet her.”
“She's better than me,” I answer. “And, she has the added bonus of not being so pregnant she's about to burst.”
He laughs again and this time it sounds more genuine. And just like that, the awkward tension that had been threatening to descend over us lifts and we're suddenly just a couple of friends having a laugh again and I let out a silent breath of relief.
Crisis averted.
For now.
The crowded streets are something I most certainly didn't miss about this city. But at least I can walk these streets without having to worry about getting blown up by some lunatic. Even still, I can't deny that there's a vibrancy to the city. A frenetic energy that can be intoxicating. New York is unlike almost any other place in the world.
I realize now, as I walk down the sidewalk, weaving through and around the pedestrians, that maybe it's something I always took for granted.
I stop in a small bodega I'm familiar with to pick up a few things before heading back to my condo. I step through the door and smile as I see Max, the bodega cat, scampering across the floor, playing with some tinsel toy. Some things don't change, I'm glad to see.
“Doctor Clyburne,” a familiar voice calls from behind the counter. “Damn, man, it's been a minute.”
“Edwin,” I smile. “Good to see you.”
Edwin is the owner/operator of the bodega. He's in his late fifties, is tall and lanky, and has short, dark hair, and dusky-colored skin. He's been in the neighborhood longer than I can remember, but his voice still retains that distinct Cuban flair.
I reach out and shake his hand. “Where have you been?” he asks.
“Overseas doing some work,” I say. “Just got back from Syria.”
His eyebrows raise. “Syria?” he asks. “Hell of a ways away.”
I nod. Apparently bored with his tinsel toy, Max jumps up on the counter and stares at me, so I reach out and scratch the top of his head. He leans into my hand, his purring loud enough to hear.
“How's business?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Can't complain,” he says. “Steady as she goes, you know.”
“About all you can ask for.”
“Indeed, my friend. Indeed. Good to have you back.”
I give him a nod and the cat a final scratch, then turn and start to gather the items I came for. When I've got them all, I take them back up to the counter and make a little small talk with Edwin before heading back out onto the street.
Winding my way through the crowd, I turn a corner and stop short, my eyes wide, my stomach instantly churning. I feel my mouth go dry and my heart start to pound as I look into a pair of wide, dazzling green eyes I'd recognize anywhere.