“Time changes people, Lex,” she says, her tone a little more serious. “Maybe he's grown and matured. He certainly seems to have outgrown that – awkwardness – he had back in school.”
“Really? You got that just now?” I ask. “At this point, I'm pretty sure he's never going to outgrow that awkwardness.”
She shrugs. “It was kind of cute. Endearing,” she says. “And he's turned out kinda hot, if you ask me.”
“Hot? Are you serious?”
“He's not a bad looking guy, Lex,” she argues. “He seems sweet and best of all, he seems really into you.”
“Yeah, but I'm not really into him,” I say. “Never have been. That creates a bit of a problem, wouldn't you say?”
“Maybe if you gave him a chance –”
“I don't want to give him a chance,” I cut her off. “I did that already and see no reason to go back and try it again.”
Sabrina pops a couple of fries into her mouth and chews – likely trying to buy herself a little time to think of something snappy to say to me.
“Do you know what your problem is?” she asks.
“Yeah, I overthink things,” I reply. “We've already covered this to the nth degree.”
“Well yeah, that too,” she says and laughs, thoroughly undaunted by my anger. “But that's not your only problem.”
“If I tell you that I don't want to hear it, will it stop you from telling me?”
“Not bloody likely,” she shrugs.
“Yeah, I didn't think so,” I sigh. “Fire away, Sabrina Freud. What is my problem?”
“Well now, it's that you're comparing other men to Duncan,” she says. “You're not into Brad because he doesn't measure up to Duncan.”
“I'm not into Brad for a lot of reasons –”
“Reasons that formed back when we were all taking classes together,” she says. “Like I said, time changes people and I can absolutely see some changes in Brad from then to now. But you won't let yourself see them because your head is all caught up in Duncan and there's no room for anybody else at the moment.”
I open my mouth to refute her point, but really can't. She's not entirely wrong. I mean, I'm not into Brad for a lot of reasons, but I can't deny that truth that my head is caught up in Duncan. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since our night at the gala. I find myself fantasizing about having sex with him – and usually need to get myself off when I do. I've never had sex that intense before. Not with anybody. We shared a connection that night. Some kind of bond formed between us that was profound and it was real. I felt it and I know he felt it too.
That connection – that bond – is something I've wanted from a partner for as long as I can remember. That connection is what's been missing from every relationship I've ever been in, and every guy I've ever dated, including Brad. It's the high of that connection I felt that I've been chasing my whole life and I found that in Duncan.
Yet, now that he's in another country entirely – one engulfed by war – and I have no way of knowing when or if he's going to be coming back. I find myself yearning ever harder for that sense of connection with another person. But deep down, I already know that I won’t find it with Brad – I'll only find it with Duncan.
“That's what I thought,” she says triumphantly.
“If there's no room for anybody else, why are you trying so hard to jam Brad in any way?” I ask.
“Because, my dear, you are most often your own worst enemy. I've seen you blow things – good things – simply because you refuse to move on them,” she says. “You have this crazy list in your head of things you want in another person but let me tell you this – no man is ever going to satisfy all of those wants you have on that list in your head. Girl, you've got to learn to compromise a bit. Decide what's really most important to you.”
Again, she's not entirely wrong – I just don't happen to enjoy listening to her outlining all the things that are wrong with me.
“Why not give Brad a chance?” she asks. “I mean, what's it going to hurt to go out on just one date with the guy? If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. No harm, no foul. At least you'll have given it a shot and know it doesn't work from a place of experience.”
I cock my head and look at her. Sabrina has always taken an interest in my love life. She's always suggesting this guy or that guy she can set me up with. She wants to see me happy, I get it. But, with Brad, she seems to have taken her game up a notch or two. She seems a little more insistent and vehement about it. Which makes me curious.
“Why are you selling me on this so hard?” I ask.
“Is it wrong to want to see my BFF happy and in love?” she asks.
“No, but you usually don't go at me this hard about a guy,” I tell her. “And I've never known you to actually go full Benedict Arnold and stab me in the back when I'm trying to make up an excuse to get out of seeing somebody. So, what gives?”
I have a feeling I know why she's being so persistent about it, but I want to hear her say it.
“I just think now, more than ever, you're going to need a little – companionship,” she says.
“Companionship.”
She nods. “Yeah, companionship.”
“Well, I've got you,” I point out.
She laughs. “And you always will. But, that's not the kind of companionship I'm talking about, Lex.”
“Uh huh,” I mutter. “So, what you're telling me is that I should hook up with the first guy who shows an interest in me now that I'm about to blow up like a manatee and have a kid?”
“No, it's not like that,” she objects. “But everything I remember about Brad is that he's a decent man. He seems like a really nice guy. You could really do worse in terms of having a positive male influence in the life of your baby.”
I laugh. “Oh, so now you're going to marry me off?”
“That's not what I mean,” she says. “All I'm saying is that now that we know you're pregnant, we need to start planning ahead. And since Duncan is a wild card and can't be counted on for anything, I don't think it's a bad idea to maybe think about getting some stability in your life.”
“Stability,” I repeat. “And by stability, you mean somebody willing to play baby daddy to my child.”
She shrugs. “That's not entirely what I mean. Honestly, my main purpose of trying to get you to go out with him was to get you out there, dating again. To get you to stop thinking about Duncan and get you feeling more open to the idea of seeing other people,” she says. “And honestly, you can do a lot worse than Brad, I think. He's cute, kind, is obviously in love with you already. And I can tell that he has a little bit of money, anyway. I mean, did you see that watch? It was a genuine Rolex. And those clothes were designer too –”
“So, basically what you're telling me is that I need to be a gold digger,” I interject. “Come on, Bri, you know I've never been about the money.”
“I know that, Lex. What I'm telling you is to just keep an open mind and an open heart,” she says. “Maybe things work out with Brad and maybe they don't. But you'll never know unless you try. I want to see you happy, more than anything else.”
I start to tear strips off the napkin on the table in front of me. “Why do you imagine I need a man to make me happy, to begin with?”
“I'm not saying you need one, necessarily,” she tells me. “But having some companionship in your life – some stability – certainly makes happiness a lot more attainable. And think of it this way, if it does work out and you find that you and Brad do click, you have the added bonus of having that love and stability in your child's life. I mean, something tells me that Brad is dying to be a dad.”
She laughs, but I don't think it's all that funny, really. What she's essentially saying is that I should be prostituting myself out to provide for my child. That I need to take advantage of Brad, pretend I'm into him, just because he might be able to provide for my baby better than me – well, there's no question he can provide better for my baby than me. But still. I'm really biting my tongue right now to avoid lashing out at Bri for making such a suggestion.
“What if things do work out and you find that you and Brad have the whole world in common now, Lexi?” she continues. “Wouldn't it be better for your baby to grow up with two parents who love it? Wouldn't it be better for your baby to grow up without you having to struggle as hard as you do? I mean, don't you want a better life for yourself and your baby?”
Bri isn't wrong – I need help if I intend to keep the baby. But dating somebody with the intention of making them that help for me – to essentially be my sugar daddy – feels wrong on so many levels. It feels like I'm prostituting myself out for some stability. It makes me feel like my interest in Brad extends as far as what he can do for me.
It feels so wrong because I've always been such a fiercely independent woman. Yeah, it may not be pretty, and I may not always be flush with cash – okay, I'm never flush with cash – but, I've always been able to make it on my own. Always. I've never needed help.
Adding a child into the mix, though – that changes the equation entirely.
“Listen, Lexi, all I'm saying is that this is not the time to close yourself off. Now is not the time to be stubborn and prideful,” she says. “I'm not saying you need to marry him tomorrow. All I'm saying is give him a chance – be honest and upfront with him about being pregnant, of course, so he can make his own informed decision – but at least explore the possibility. I think you owe it not just to your baby, but to yourself as well.”