I sigh, tugging on the ends of my hair again and nod. What the hell else can I do?
Except that everything isn't fine. Though the chances were infinitesimal, the blood test confirmed that I am in fact pregnant. The moment the doctor read the results, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. It felt like my entire world came crumbling down around me. It feels like my entire life ended and is nothing more than a fiery heap right now.
Through it all though, Sabrina has been with me. She held me in the doctor's office, soothing and stroking my hair. She knows all the right things to say and how to talk me down off practically any ledge – though, this ledge is quite a bit higher than anything we've dealt with before.
After she got me calmed down, we left the hospital and she took me to lunch. We're sitting at a table outside a small burger joint in our neighborhood. Normally, I tear through the food here – the burgers are great, and the fries are even better. Today, though, I'm just picking at my food, my taste for anything suddenly dulled to the point of non-existence.
“What in the hell am I going to do?” I ask for probably the thousandth time since we left the hospital.
Bri sighs and pops a fry into her mouth. “I don't know right now, Lex,” she says. “We're kind of in a jam at the moment.”
We. It's interesting to me that she's still referring to us as we, rather than just cutting bait and throwing me out to the sharks on my own. She would have been well within her rights, of course. Bringing a baby into our place isn't going to be ideal. But so far, she hasn't said a word about the reality we’ll both be facing about seven months from now. Maybe she's still processing it all herself.
“I don't even know how to go about trying to contact Duncan,” I say. “I guess I need to get in touch with that organization and see –”
“I really hate to say this, but you may as well write Duncan off, Lex,” she interjects.
“What do you mean?”
She takes a bite of her burger and chews it thoughtfully for a moment before she answers. “I've been talking to some of the other doctors down at the hospital – specifically about this Physicians Worldwide organization,” she explains. “Their whole deal is to try and get the volunteers to re-up again and again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, his initial tour was what, eight months you said?”
I nod. “Yeah, that's what he told me.”
“Well, when that eight months is up, he could come home, of course,” she says. “But that organization is going to put on a full court press to keep him. Try to get him to commit to another eight months. They'll offer him any posting in the world where his services are needed.”
I sit back in my seat and feel my stomach roiling as hard as my head is spinning. I always knew there was a chance he might not come back, but the fact that I'm pregnant – with his child – changes everything. If he knew, I don't doubt he'd come back and be with me – or at least, be here for his child. But, with him not knowing, I can't say what he's going to do. And it's not like I can exactly serve him with paternity papers when he's in goddamn Syria.
“All I'm saying is that if he comes back to New York, great,” she says. “Have the conversation with him then. If he doesn't, though – and I really think it's best that you operate under the assumption that he's not coming back – you need to start planning for you and that child.”
“Why does it seem like you know more than you're saying?” I ask.
She sighs and looks down at the table. “I didn't want to have to tell you this –”
“Tell me anyway,” I say, my voice hard.
Sabrina finally looks up at me. “I just – the unit he was the Surgical Chief of – they're looking for a new Surgical Chief apparently.”
I shrug. “So? Makes sense to have somebody in place while he's gone. Besides, he said he wanted to –”
“No, you don't understand,” Bri says patiently. “Janet, the hospital administrator – she never would have filled that position unless she was certain Duncan wasn't coming back. He told me that she said she'd hold the position open for him until he returned. She was never going to move him from that position and she'd never fill it if he was coming home anytime soon.”
I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, the breath driven from my lungs. Tears of frustration well in my eyes. Having a kid right now is bad enough. Having to have this kid alone, with no help or support from anybody, is even worse. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I really don't. If the universe were looking to screw me any harder, I don't even know how it would do it.
“Hey, Lexi, how are you?”
I look up and see Brad standing beside our table. Apparently, the universe took that last thought as a challenge and has now provided me with the answer. Dammit.
“Hey, Brad,” I sigh.
I turn to Bri and see the light of recognition dawn on her face. She gives him a wide, beaming smile.
“Brad Walker,” she says. “It's nice to see you again.”
Brad turns to her and I see his eyes widen as if he's just noticing Bri for the first time – something I find difficult to believe. Whenever I'm out with Bri, she's the one who gets all the attention from the guys. I'm the afterthought. I mean, it doesn't matter now that she's all in love with Dom, but back in the day, when we used to go pub crawling or something, it was irritating as hell. Not that it's her fault – the girl is a stunner. Top to bottom, Sabrina is a beautiful woman and the guys generally tend to gravitate toward her.
“Sabrina?” he asks. “Wow, I'm sorry, I didn't even realize –”
“Yeah, I know,” she laughs. “If I weren't involved with somebody, I might be offended. But then, I remember that whenever Lexi is around, everybody else just fades into the background for you.”
An uncomfortable moment of silence descends over the table as we all exchange glances. That might have been a bit of an overshare on Bri's part. Not that it isn't true – Brad's always had eyes for me – but, I don't think he really appreciates having that broadcast out like that.
“Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat. “I've called you a couple of times, Lexi.”
Yeah, I know, I ignored his calls. And if we're being truthful, it was more than just a couple of times. The number of times he's called over the last couple of weeks has been irritating, quite honestly.
“Yeah, sorry,” I tell him. “I've just got a lot going on right now. I've had some things unexpectedly pop up on me.”
He nods as if he understands. And he's such a decent guy, he probably does. That he's such a nice guy makes me feel bad for blowing him off the way I have been, but I really don't know how to communicate to him that I'm just not into him.
“Yeah, I get it,” he says. “I've been pretty busy too lately.”
Apparently not so busy you haven't had the time to call me three hundred and twelve times. I give him a small smile I'm hoping doesn't look too wooden or false. I really don't want to hurt his feelings if I can avoid it.
“The price we all pay for being grownups, I'm afraid,” I say.
“Yeah, probably,” he says and chuckles. “Anyway, listen, since I have you here, I was hoping we could get together for dinner and catch up like we talked about. Like, say, Friday night.”
The knot in my stomach constricts painfully and my head is spinning, looking for an excuse – any excuse – to avoid going out with him. I look over at Bri, who's smiling wide, and latch on to the idea that pops into my head.
“Actually, I'd love to, but Bri and I have a prior commitment,” I say.
“Oh, that's too bad,” Brad says.
“Yeah, it's something we've been planning for the last few –”
“Oh, I'm such an idiot,” Bri interrupts. “I completely forgot to tell you, Lexi. I have to cover a shift down at the hospital Friday night, so I needed to take a rain check. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner.”
My heart sinks into my stomach and I suddenly have the urge to reach across the table and throttle my best friend. She looks at me with wide, bright eyes and an expression of pure innocence on her face. Oh, I'm going to kill her for this.
“Well, how fortuitous,” Brad smiles brightly. “Since your dance card is suddenly free, how about it, Lexi?”
I let out a breath and cast a discreet glare at Bri. I'm stuck like a rat in a trap and there's no way of getting out of this without looking like a complete asshole. Thanks a lot, Bri. Thanks a lot.
“Well, sure,” I say, putting on a smile. “Why not? Just as friends though, right?”
“Fantastic. And of course. Just as friends. Absolutely,” he agrees. “I can't wait. I'll call you so we can set up a time.”
“Great,” I say through gritted teeth. “I'll look forward to it.”
He says goodbye to Bri, who waves at him before turning and favoring me with another smile. I can practically see the cartoon hearts floating above his head and I just want to groan. He turns and walks off, looking for all the world like he's walking on clouds. I'm pretty sure I even hear him whistling a happy tune to himself. Who does that?
When he's gone, I round on Bri. “What in the hell was that?”
“Apparently, I was filling up your dance card,” she says and laughs. “I mean, you were trying to use me as an excuse after all. Turnabout seemed to be fair play.”
“I don't want to go out with him,” I hiss.
“And why not?” she asks. “Best I remember, you two dated a few years back.”
“Yeah, and it didn't work out for a reason,” I reply. “There was no chemistry. No spark. He and I have practically nothing in common and conversation is like pulling teeth.”