Just holding her was a balm moving through me.
She’d been acting as if nothing had happened. As if we hadn’t been held hostage by a madman. As if she hadn’t seen Jace get shot.
Instead, she’d been living in her little fantasy world where she rode on unicorns and the world was always right.
I knew someday, those fears were bound to come out.
“Hi, Mommy.”
I kissed the top of her head. “Hey, Bailey Button. How’s my favorite girl?”
“I good.”
She nuzzled her face in my throat, and I wondered if that trauma was right there, lurking under the surface.
The only thing I wanted was to be strong enough to make it right.
To provide her with the kind of life I’d always wanted.
We’d been granted a second chance.
Freedom.
Life when we’d been so close to losing it.
I was trying so hard to cling to that and not the loss that banged around inside me.
That vacancy so vast.
Jace’s presence missing.
Courtney had followed Bailey out, and she wandered down the walkway, her arms crossed over her chest as if she were trying to protect herself. Nursing her own broken heart.
“Hey,” she said.
I rocked Bailey a little, looking over at my best friend and just wishin’ all of this could be wiped away.
Magic.
“Thank you so much for watchin’ her.”
Nodding, she swallowed thickly. “It’s the least I could do.”
My head shook. “Please, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Feel as if any of this is in any way your fault. You didn’t know.”
A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, and I knew her well enough to know she was going for sarcasm, trying to make things light the way she always did, but the words cracked. “If I didn’t have such terrible taste in men, none of this would have happened.”
“You didn’t know,” I told her again.
Her mouth trembled. “I should have.”
“I didn’t know, either. I guess sometimes we miss the most important things.”
Neither of us knew what Joseph and Felix had been involved in.
The truth was, we’d been blinded. Trusted too easily. Saw the best in people, when really, there was little of it to be found.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I winced, hugged Bailey closer. “No, I’m not. But one day I’m goin’ to be. You will be, too.”
“I know.”
I gave her a smile. “I love you, Courtney. You know that, right?”
“And you know I love you.”
My nod was somber and true. “I know.”
If I didn’t stop this train, I was going to break down right there, so I cleared my throat and shifted my daughter. “I’m going to get home, get her some lunch, and then put her down for a nap.”
“Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“All right. If you get lonely, you know where to find us.”
Her smile was weak. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll find some trouble I can get into.”
Only Courtney could make me grin. “I’m sure you will.”
I buckled Bailey in, drove us home to that massive house, wondering what I was goin’ to do now.
Sell it, I guessed. Turned out, the ghosts living there were really too much. Too scary and dark.
God, I hated the idea of someone else living there, but I didn’t think I could handle all of it on my own.
We went inside and into the kitchen. I made us lunch, which we barely touched, and then told Bailey about fifteen stories where I knelt at the side of her bed before she finally fell asleep.
Her fears were right there, even though she wouldn’t admit them.
When her breaths had finally evened out, I tucked her under her covers, kissed her temple, breathed her in.
Lavender and baby powder and hope.
I was struggling so hard to find any of it in the middle of this.
Warily, I pushed to my feet and trudged out the door and into my bedroom, moving to the massive dresser where I’d set the stack of letters and had wondered if I’d ever have the courage to actually open them.
I stared at them as if they might catch fire.
But I knew I needed to put all of this in the past. To finally, finally move on.
Because I couldn’t be stuck this way. I had to be strong for my daughter.
To do that, I had to read what he’d written.
Hand shaking, I reached out and took the stack of envelopes that were wrapped in a single piece of paper that had a single word written on it in Joseph’s distinct handwriting: “Faith.”
I carried them to my bed, where I sat on the edge. My heart hammered, banged at my ribs.
Anxiety pulsed as I eased off the rubber band and the piece of paper came loose.
On a gasp, tears streaked free. So fast and so intense I couldn’t see. Couldn’t see anything but the first envelope that sat on top.
It was addressed to me.
But it was where it had come from and the date that crushed me like a speeding car that had come from out of nowhere.
It was from a correctional facility and was postmarked a year after I’d thought Jace had simply walked out of my life and hadn’t looked back.
Hands shaking uncontrollably, I flipped it over and opened the lip that had already been ripped open. Mack or Joseph, I wasn’t sure. But none of that mattered.
Not anymore.
I swiped the tears away from my eyes, racing to read the words on the page.
Faith,
I should have sent this a long time ago. Hell, I shouldn’t have walked away that day without you knowing the reason I had to leave. But I’d thought it was for the best. That I was letting you go so you could live the kind of life that you deserved.
Sitting in here for the last year has made me realize that I should have known better.
I know you and I belong together. I know I can be the man you believed I was going to be. I will. It might be harder than ever, but I will.
I’ll explain why I’m here to you when I get home. I just need you to know that’s where I’ll be going—home to you. And when I get there, I’m going to give you everything. Never give up on that dream.
All my love,
Jace
I pressed a hand to my trembling mouth, trying to hold back the sob, but it was no use. It ripped out of me.
Jace had intended to come back for me.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know.
Hit by a frenzy, I ripped into the next letter and the next. Reading the words of his love.
His confusion that I hadn’t responded.
His growing fear, and his mounting worry that I’d begun to think of him the same way as the rest of the world.
As trash and not worthy of me.
Heartbreak crested in waves. One after another. A rising tide that was going to sweep me away.
Joseph had kept these from me. Hidden the truth. Took the chance away from us.
Lied to me.
Not the way Jace had done. Jace had done it to protect me because he loved me.
Joseph had done it to benefit himself.
Hatred ran through my veins. The kind of hatred I’d never felt before. A gutting sorrow that pummeled and pounded, tearing until there would be nothing left.
I felt ravaged, devastated as I devoured every word, faster and faster, pouring over the letters that had come for years.
It shouldn’t have been possible for me to crack any further, but this one—this one destroyed me.
Faith,
I’m being released in one week. I haven’t heard from you in three long years. Beauty robbed from my life and a darkness taking its place. I ache—every day I ache because I haven’t heard from you.
But I can’t forget your words. The hope you instilled in me. You told me I could be anything if I believed in it enough.
I believe in us. In our dreams. I want to live them with you. My only hope is that when I see you, face-to-face, you’ll remember exactly who I am. That boy who fell in love with a girl who became his world. The only thing I want is to give the world to you.
I’ll be waiting at our roses. Let’s dream again.
Jace
I buckled in two at the words, bent over on the bed as I wept.
I imagined him there, in that garden, waiting for me. How long had he stayed? Waiting and wondering and worrying?