She stares at me silently for a minute, a soft look on her face. "In the beginning, it was just stupid kid stuff. I had a vivid imagination." She laughs a small laugh.
"It came in handy. Just a kid trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, you know?"
I nod. Of course I know.
And then I can’t help myself. The question is out before I even give myself permission to ask it, "Will you tell me about Leo?"
She looks down and takes a sip of her wine. Shit, I shouldn’t have gone there. "Jake, I've shared a lot tonight, and it felt good and that surprises me because I don't make it a habit of bringing up my past very often, but can we save Leo for another time? Is that okay?"
Something flares inside of me when I see the look in her eyes at the mention of my own name. I’m pretty sure I see sorrow there. She tries to hide it, but again, she was never any good at that. Something warm fills me, not only in the further realization that I’m reading my Evie again just like I used to be able to, but in the knowledge that maybe she didn’t let me go all those years ago like she said she did. I stare at her, thinking more about how sweet and kind and loving she is. She looks up at me through her lashes and asks what I’m thinking.
I go around the bar and sit down on the stool next to her and she turns toward me as I take her hand, "I was just thinking about how much I appreciate you sharing with me tonight. And I was also thinking that from where I'm standing, you've done a pretty remarkable job of not letting your past make you hard. There's not a harsh or bitter thing about you, not a single thing, not your attitude, not the way you hold yourself, not your eyes, not your smile, not the way you treat people, always taking care of the people who are lucky enough to have your love, and that's just you. Life obviously took a lot from you and I know you've been cut deep, but the fact that you relied on yourself to make it through and that you didn't let it make you cynical or cold, that is all you. Own that. That's what I was thinking."
She stares at me for a couple beats before I see moisture glistening in her eyes and she smiles a shy smile. God, she’s gorgeous.
I gesture for her to sit down at the table as I quickly set it and dish up the food and we dig in.
"Okay, truly impressed," she says. "This is amazing."
I’m glad she thinks so because if I have it my way, I’ll cook for her every day for the rest of her life.
After we eat in silence for a couple minutes, she asks, "Will you tell me about your parents? How did your dad pass?" She looks at me nervously.
"Heart attack. It was sudden. He lingered for a week afterwards but got a blood clot. That's what actually killed him."
"I'm sorry, Jake." She pauses, still looking at me warily. "You must miss him."
"Yeah, I do. I wasted a lot of years with my dad that I can't ever get back," I say very truthfully.
"I'm sorry."
I think about my dad for a minute. There’s still a sadness there for me but Dr. Fox helped me work through a lot of the guilt, not that it’s completely gone, but I recognize that I’ve come a long way now that Evie’s brought it up. "It's okay. Really. It wasn't okay for a long time but I've come to a place where I’m getting there. I realize now that there are a lot of paths in life. Some we choose and some are chosen for us. I was dealt some shit, just like a lot of us are, and I made a lot of poor choices too. I have to take responsibility for those. But the only thing we'll get from trying to figure out where another path would have taken us are questions there are no answers to, and heartbreak that can't be healed. Regardless of how we got there, all any of us can do is move forward from where we are."
Just like when I talked to Dr. Fox, talking to Evie about this feels good. I’d like to go into it more with her someday because I know now that talking it through with someone who can understand is healing. Someday, though. Not tonight. I don’t want to close myself off again after she’s just given me so much of herself, but not only am I going to be unable to talk about a lot of this stuff, but it’s still a hard subject for me. Getting it out is good but I want this night to be about me and her, not a bunch of shit. She’s in a better place than I am regarding the pain of the past – tonight has made that very clear. Plus, mine is still on-going. Just thinking about Lauren’s crusade makes me tense up. "I'll tell you all about it, Evie. You've already given me so much of you, and I want to give you me, but not tonight. Tonight, I want to enjoy dinner and enjoy you and not bring up a bunch of shit that's going to put me in a bad mood. Okay?"
"Okay," she whispers, looking at me with soft eyes as if she really does understand. I’m grateful.
I grab her hand and squeeze it across the table. We finish dinner and then she helps me clear the table and rinse the dishes.
She excuses herself to use the restroom as I finish tossing the pots and pans into the sink and dry my hands. Suddenly the reality of the fact that Evie is in my home and that we just shared dinner together like any other normal couple hits me hard and intense happiness fills me.
When she walks back into the kitchen, I grab her hand and lead her to the couch. My body is vibrating with the happiness her presence brings and I need to show her. I pull her down on top of me so that she’s straddling me and f**k, that’s sexy. Again, the awe that fills me in letting her be in a position of control and being okay with that is overwhelming. Her eyes fill with heat right before she puts her mouth on mine and licks the seam of my lips. I open for her immediately and she moans and oh God, I’m already painfully hard and that sweet little moan shoots straight to my cock. I take the back of her head in my hands and tilt it so that I can kiss her more deeply, the desire to possess her body so strong that I already feel out of control with need. We kiss, deep and wet, tongues tangling, tasting, moaning into each other’s mouths and I don’t ever want to come up for air. She’s my air, my reason for existence, the only thing that matters to me in this life or any other.