“I know. I feel terrible.”
“Should we go into the family room?”
I nodded. “OK. Skylar’s on her way.”
“Good. Miles, will you check the pies and see if the crust is golden brown yet? If they are, please take them out and turn the oven off.”
“Sure thing.”
“Thanks, babe.”
I will not be jealous, I vowed. I will not, I will not, I will not. This is just a bad night.
In the family room, I dropped onto the couch and Natalie sat beside me. I couldn’t resist putting a hand over her belly. It was hard and round, about the size of half a basketball. “How are you feeling?”
“Good. He’s moving around in there a lot today.”
“Yeah?” That cheered me up a little, and I left my hand there. Took a sip of whiskey. A few seconds later, I felt it—that tiny little thump of life within her. I grinned. “Awww. There he is. Hi, baby.”
She smiled too. “He says hi back.”
“Any favorite names yet?”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, I have favorites and Miles has favorites, but if you’re asking do we agree on any names, the answer is no.”
I laughed, sniffling again. “What do you like?”
“I like James, Alexander, or Colin.”
“What about Miles?”
“Miles likes Gotham, Optimus, and Huck.”
“Huck?” I nearly choked on my whiskey.
“Oh, yes,” she said with a straight face. “Short for Huckleberry.”
“Miles wants to name his son Huckleberry Haas?” I shook my head, laughing. “That’s hilarious. And kind of awful.”
“Are you kidding? It’s totally awful, and somehow he thinks Gotham Haas is a nice compromise.”
“Oh, God.” I lifted the glass to my lips as I heard Miles greeting Skylar in the kitchen. This is what I need—a little whiskey, a little laughter, a little sisterhood.
“Hey.” Skylar rushed in and dropped down on the other side of me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “How are you?”
“I’m OK. But…” I shook my head, fighting off tears. “I think I broke it off with Levi.”
“You think?” Skylar’s brows went up.
“Yeah. I decided to do the right thing and be honest. Ask him why he’s holding back. Tell him I want and deserve more.”
“Did he disagree?”
“No,” I said, my eyes filling. “He didn’t. He basically just said, ‘I knew this would happen’ and stormed out.”
“What?” Natalie squawked. “What an asshole!”
“I know, but…he said he loved me too. He said he’s never loved any woman the way he loves me.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Skylar crossed her arms. “I don’t get it.”
“He also said he doesn’t know how to be what I want. He said he knows I deserve more.”
“Forcing you to make the decision to end it, so he could say ‘See? I told you you’d leave.’” Skylar harrumphed, crossing her arms. “Passive aggressive bullshit. Sebastian tried to pull this same thing. He was scared as all get out to open himself up to being hurt, so he built up this wall of stubborn resistance and refused to let me in until I had to be the one to say ‘I love you but I can’t do this.’”
“Yes!” I exclaimed, throwing one hand up. “That’s it exactly. I asked him flat out if he was forcing me to walk out now so he could avoid the pain of being abandoned later on, since he’s so sure that’s what would happen.”
“God, that’s so sad,” Natalie said quietly. “I mean, I don’t think he’s right, but it’s really sad to feel like you don’t deserve love, to be so scared that you have to push it away.”
“It is sad.” Skylar’s voice was soft, and she laid a hand on my shoulder. “But I had to say it, and so did you, Jilly. You did the right thing.”
The lump in my throat grew. “I’m not so sure I did. I…” Swallowing hard, I confessed what really had me terrified. “I hit him where it hurt the most. All this time, I felt like this guilt, this self-doubt, stemmed from his love for his child, but I think there’s a deeper source. I think when his son’s mother abandoned them, he blamed himself. Like if he’d been a better man, she might have stayed.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “He fucking told me as much, almost in those exact words, the night he first told me he loved me. But I didn’t realize—because he wasn’t in love with her—how bad the wound was. And then I made it bleed tonight.”
“What? How?” Natalie asked.
“I accused him of being afraid of a future with me because he’s scared I’ll leave them like she did.”
“Oooh.” Skylar winced. “That had to be tough.”
“It was. I think that’s what made him walk out.”
Natalie put her hand on my knee. “But not because it wasn’t true, Jilly. Because it was.”
“I agree,” Skylar said. “You had to use the hard words. If Levi is stubborn, like Sebastian was, they have to hear it that way. They have to confront their fears. They have to live with them.”
“Can I say something?” At the sound of Miles’s voice from the entrance to the family room, we all turned.
“Sure,” I said. “Come on in.”