And I was glad that he’d smoothed things over with his mom and that Scotty had been fine last night, but that would make it even easier for him to lead two lives—one where he was with me, and one where he was Dad.
I wanted to know both sides of him.
Why wouldn’t he let me?
• • •
In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I became Levi’s Girl Friday again, and we’d have our one incredible night together—twice he was able to stay over—and I’d go Saturday through Thursday missing him and wishing he was ready to take the next step. My feelings for him grew stronger, and he told me he loved me every single day. I believed him, but I also grew increasingly nervous that while our feelings continued to grow, our level of commitment had somehow stagnated. It was always us alone, and once we’d met up with Skylar and Sebastian for dinner, but he’d yet to introduce me to his son, and when I invited him to Sunday dinner at my parents’ house, he always had a reason why it wouldn’t work. More than once, I’d offered to come to his house on a Friday night, but he never wanted me to, and his reason was usually sexual.
“I know, it’s totally selfish of me,” he’d said tonight in my bed. “But I can’t bear the thought of having to go another week without being this close to you. Without getting my mouth on you. Without making you come.” Then he’d moved down my body and buried his face between my legs, making it impossible to argue with him.
I know. It was selfish of me.
Because I did want the sex every week. I craved it. I loved our phone conversations and our texts too—I’d never been emotionally needy or clingy, and my job kept me so busy during the week, the days went quickly. But there had to be more, didn’t there? Maybe I was the only one who wanted it. Maybe he didn’t see the future for us that I did.
I decided to ask.
As he pulled on his jeans and t-shirt, I lay on my side watching him, my hands tucked under my head. “Hey.”
He looked at me. “Hey.” Then he came over and planted a kiss on my shoulder. “You look way too good lying there. It’s tempting me to stay.”
“I was hoping we could talk about that.”
“Sorry my mom couldn’t do the overnight this weekend. I was hoping for it too.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
He glanced at me before pulling his sweater on and sitting to tug on socks and shoes. “Oh? What’s up?”
Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. “I feel like you don’t want me to meet Scotty.”
He sat up straight. “That’s ridiculous. You know I do.”
“It’s been two months, Levi. When?”
“Soon. I don’t want to rush it, Jill. He’s had so much trouble with school this fall, and then with me going away overnight…” He ran a hand through his hair. “Plus, I like keeping our time together sort of sacred. Private. Romantic. Don’t you?”
“Of course.” I frowned. He was hard to argue with. “But being a father is such a huge part of your identity. And I hear you talk about it a lot, but I feel like I’m not allowed in to that huge part of your life. I just want to know why…is it because you don’t think this will last? And you don’t want to introduce me to Scotty because you’re planning on leaving me when the sex gets old or something?”
“Of course not.” Immediately he pulled me up against him, gathering me in his arms. “I love you so much. And I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings by not introducing you to Scotty yet. I just…it’s a big deal, Jillian. It’s not something I take lightly.”
“I completely understand that,” I said, fighting tears. “But you’re not something I take lightly. I miss you when we’re apart all week long.”
He exhaled, resting his chin on my head. “Somehow, in my mind, it’s easier to balance being a good father and being in a relationship with you if I keep it separate. No confusion for me, for Scotty, or for you. When I’m at home with him, I’m Dad, and when I’m with you, I can completely devote myself to you. It’s a respite for me.”
I nodded. Hadn’t I known that already? Hadn’t I, in fact, relished the idea of being his respite, his escape from everything that made him feel as if he wasn’t enough? Now I was adding to that, and maybe he’d leave me because of it.
Don’t ruin this with your stupid insecurity. He loves you and you love him. Let that be enough for now.
“I understand.” I sniffed. Took a shuddery breath. “I’ll try to be more patient.”
He kissed my head. “And I’ll think some more about the introduction.”
“Thanks.”
We kissed each other languorously, his arms wrapped around me, and some of the tension and fear and unanswered questions melted away.
But some remained.
• • •
On Thanksgiving, which I spent at my parents’ house with my family and he spent in Charlevoix with his, my sisters wanted to know how things were going. The three of us stood in the kitchen, Natalie making stuffing, Skylar peeling potatoes, and me slicing the ends off green beans. Our mother had gotten the turkey in the oven earlier and had gone up to take a shower, and our dad was watching football in the family room with Miles and Sebastian.
“It’s going fine,” I said, forcing a casual tone. “He’s at his mom’s house today.”