Landon’s situation was proof that even people with two parents and a seemingly perfect upbringing can screw up in life.
“I didn’t always have my head on straight, but I finally landed on my feet, Mom. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. But I do need to apologize for alienating you guys somewhat all these years. The separation was just something I had to go through to get to where I am now. Believe me, you both did everything right. You were the best parents anyone could’ve asked for.”
His mother looked like she was about to cry. “Well, that’s very nice of you to say. And I will take what I can get in terms of visits from my handsome son.”
We ended up sitting down to dinner and over the course of the evening, I actually found myself really enjoying their company. We laughed a lot, in particular when Landon told the story of the first time his parents saw his tattoos.
It was really strange being back in the place where I used to live, although the garage was back to being just that—a place to park cars and store things. An air of nostalgia definitely followed me around the entire night.
After supper, Landon and I took a walk around the old neighborhood. It was surreal to be back on this street, looking at the very same cracks in the sidewalk I used to ride over with my bike.
We strolled and reminisced until an unexpected run-in interrupted our evening.
We’d just made our way around the circle block when we ended up in front of Mrs. Sheen’s house. A female was in the driveway, leaning into a car. She looked up for a moment and saw us approaching.
In an apparent warning, Landon squeezed my hand before he said, “Hey, Kelsie.”
She used her hand as a visor despite the fact that there wasn’t any sun. “Holy crap. Landon? Is that you?”
Even though he’d said her name, it took me a few seconds to realize it was Kelsie, Landon’s ex and my former thirteen-year-old nemesis.
Holy shit.
What timing.
Did she still live at home?
“Wow. I haven’t seen you in years. I barely recognized you,” she said.
“Yeah, I’m here visiting my parents.”
Kelsie had the same dark blonde hair I remembered, although she was definitely a little heavier now.
Landon peeked into the car. “Who’s this little guy?”
“This is Bryce. His dad is in the military and was just deployed, so I’m spending some time with Mom. We actually live on base in Illinois.”
“Wow. Well, thank him for his service.”
She nodded. “How’s California? You find what you were looking for?”
“Yeah.” He looked straight at me. “Yeah, I finally found what I’ve been looking for.”
“Good. Good.” She looked at my face but didn’t acknowledge me or introduce herself. “Well, you guys have a good night.”
“You, too,” I said.
Once we had walked out of her earshot, Landon finally said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know whether you wanted me to introduce you or not. I know you hated her, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I suspected you didn’t want me to say anything.”
“I was praying you didn’t say my name. I’m really glad you didn’t. That’s the beauty of looking different. If I run into someone from my past who I don’t want to see, they don’t know it’s me anyway.”
“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to explain shit to her.”
“Good call.”
Our hands were intertwined as we continued on our walk.
“Aren’t you proud of me?” I chuckled. “We saw Kelsie, and I didn’t even get jealous.”
He dragged me playfully toward him. “That’s because I think you finally know you don’t have anything to be jealous about.”
We stopped in front of his parents’ house, both of us hesitant to go back inside.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I looked up at him. “I’m really glad we came for this visit.”
“Me, too. There was a part of me that had been ashamed of what I’ve been hiding from my folks. I was avoiding them so I didn’t have to deal with that. Your acceptance of me after everything I told you really helped me to forgive myself. It gave me the courage to face my parents again tonight. I had to forgive myself first, I think.”
Landon was only going to be here a couple more days. Soon I was going to lose the opportunity to tell him my own truth in person. Tonight made me more certain than ever that there couldn’t be any more secrets between us.
I knew there was a good chance that telling him could backfire, that he could turn on me if he took things personally in any way. He could very well lose respect for me.
Telling him the truth was a huge risk but one I needed to take.
NO SURGERY FOR A BROKEN SOUL
Even though I’d told myself I was going to tell him everything on his last night in Michigan, sometimes a secret just eats away at you so much that it can no longer be hidden. The truth will often find its way out on its own terms.
After we’d gotten home from his parents’ house, Landon and I made love several times until we fell asleep. I’d felt so content in his arms, but the shadow of my secret was always lurking, preventing me from fully enjoying our connection.
I woke up sweating and shaking in the middle of the night; my body could no longer sustain the guilt.
Landon woke up and immediately knew something was very wrong with me. “What’s going on?”
“I need to tell you now.”
“I know I said I wasn’t going to pressure you, but I agree. You need to talk to me. Please,” he begged.
It seriously felt like it was now or never, like whatever bubble of protection that had hid my past had somehow burst in that moment.
I just kept looking at him in the darkness, because I wanted to cherish these last seconds of ignorant bliss before I laid it all out on the line. I then turned around and let him spoon me. This story was going to be easier to tell if I wasn’t facing him, better if I didn’t have to bear witness to his disappointment.
He held me tightly in his big arms. “I’m gonna hold you like this. And I’m not letting you go. I want you to tell me everything.”
My body continued to tremble as I forced out the words.
“When my parents and I moved out of your house to live with my grandparents, I just sort of snapped into this horrible, rebellious stage. I had sex for the first time when I was only fourteen. Even though I didn’t feel beautiful the majority of the time, for some reason, I felt desirable…important…when I started to explore my sexuality. Word got around school that I was easy, and I basically let several boys at my high school have their way with me over the course of about a year. They ranged from freshmen to seniors.”
Landon’s breathing became a bit heavier. I knew he wasn’t comfortable hearing that, despite everything he’d confessed about himself. I continued.
“Things were really bad at home. As much as my father tried to keep them apart, my mother ran off with her young boyfriend. Papa was trying so hard to control me during that time, because I was all he had left. But it was in vain. I would just sneak off in the middle of the night to meet boys. I couldn’t talk to my father about anything, so no one really taught me how to be responsible.”
Landon seemed to know where this was going as he whispered against the back of my neck, “Oh, fuck.” His body stiffened. He repeated, “Fuck.”
I was starting to feel really nauseous.
Spit it out.
“I was going on fifteen when I found out I was pregnant. It was like the biggest nightmare I could have ever imagined. My father didn’t even know I was leaving the house most nights, let alone having sex. He was totally clueless. He thought he could just forbid me from doing things and that I would listen. Clearly, he underestimated the will of a hormonal teenage girl, especially one who was rebelling against her deadbeat mother.”
Landon was being silent. I just went on with my story.
“I honestly didn’t know what to do. I kept it hidden for as long as was humanly possible. My father just thought I was getting fat. He probably figured I was eating more because I was depressed about Shayla leaving. I stayed in my room as much as possible so no one would notice my body changing. But at six months along, I just couldn’t hide it anymore. My grandmother was the one who finally confronted me about it. I begged her to please not tell my father, but she wouldn’t listen. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking, asking her to help me hide it. It was going to come out eventually. Needless to say when Papa found out, he was completely devastated. Given how strict he was with me, I was expecting him to be irate, to disown me. But his main reaction was one of just solemn shock—sadness. It was like he couldn’t believe how clueless he had been, and he really beat himself up over it.”