I knew he wanted assurance that I wasn’t going to judge him for his past indiscretions. He was adamant about the fact that he couldn’t handle a relationship with me if I planned on continuously holding his past against him.
So, I really needed to take some time and look inside myself to be sure that I wouldn’t do that to him.
I spent a good portion of that afternoon just sitting in silence. I realized that even though I may have been disappointed in his past decisions, at no point did his confession ever stop me from caring about him. If anything, feelings of love felt even stronger, like all of the emotions I’d ever felt toward him came alive at once and banded together in solidarity to protect and forgive him.
Later that evening, deciding to do something I hadn’t done in a while, I meandered over to my closet, pulling out the black backpack.
I took out some of the folded notes that I could tell were ones I hadn’t read in the past year.
I opened one.
Rana Banana,
Why do feet smell and noses run? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Landon
P.S. I smelled your feet once when you fell asleep on the hammock in the yard. They smell like Fritos.
P.P.S. Just kidding (Maybe). Now, I want chips.
Smiling, I folded it back up before opening another.
Rana Banana,
Sometimes I forget that you actually live in my garage. Before my dad turned it into an apartment, I used to park my scooter right where you sleep! Now, I have to leave it outside.
Landon
P.S. That’s okay. I would rather have you here than a place to park my scooter.
Crying and smiling, I opened another one.
Rana Banana,
Did you know that Rana means frog in Spanish? I learned that in school today.
Landon
P.S. I think it would be really cool if you started croaking.
P.P.S. “Ribbit.”
The next one made my heart drop for a moment, because I remembered all of the feelings of jealousy and confusion that ensued the very first time I’d read it all those years ago.
Rana Banana,
Kelsie tried to kiss me today. I think she’s really pretty, but it seemed weird. I turned my head away. I was in the middle of eating WarHeads, plus I was afraid you’d find out. I know you don’t like her.
Landon
P.S. Would it have made you mad if I let her kiss me?
P.P.S. Have you ever kissed anyone?
P.P.P.S. Maybe we could practice on each other some time. You know, so it’s not weird when we actually kiss somebody for real.
Even though Landon and I never ended up kissing back then, that note reminded me how much I had missed after we moved away and again brought back the feelings of jealousy toward Kelsie, knowing that she eventually became his very first girlfriend. After everything he’d confessed to me, I was still jealous of Kelsie? I knew how ridiculous that was. I gladly folded that note and put it away.
The final note that I opened really resonated with me and felt like the one I was meant to end on.
Rana Banana,
I’m sorry I told my mom you hit her car with your bike. I should’ve just taken the blame. She wasn’t mad, though. She said we all make mistakes. Anyway, I’m sorry you cried. I’ve never seen you cry before. That sucked.
Landon
P.S. Maybe it’s not really a mistake if you learn from it.
Refolding it, I just sobbed for the longest time, crying for a number of reasons. I mourned the innocence of the boy who’d penned all those notes. I felt terrified for what I now knew would happen to him in the future. But at the same time, that final message about learning from mistakes made so much sense to me, the words perhaps more important to me now than he ever could have realized then.
I looked at the clock. I knew it was the middle of Landon’s lunch hour rush, but I needed to hear his voice, needed for him to hear what was in my heart in that moment before I lost the courage to say it.
After a few rings, he picked up. He knew I never called him while he was working and sounded alarmed to be hearing from me at that time of day. “Rana, is everything okay?”
I could hear something frying on his stove and a crowd of people talking.
“I know you’re busy,” I said.
“Hang on.” He spoke to his customers, “I’m really sorry. I just need a minute, please. I have to take this.” When he returned, he said, “Never too busy for you.”
“I just had to call you to tell you that…it doesn’t matter to me. I want to be with you. I know you made a very big mistake. Believe me, I understand what it’s like to make mistakes. But a wise boy once told me that ‘maybe it’s not really a mistake if you learn from it.’ That was you, Landon. So, yes, I’ve made mistakes, too. And I’ve learned from them. But I know trusting you isn’t one of them. And I promise, you will never see shame in my eyes when I look at you. You’re still the boy I looked up to. You’re just a man now, who’s lived, made mistakes, and learned from them. I needed to call and tell you that.”
He let out a long, shaky breath into the phone. Seeming overcome with emotion, he didn’t say a word.
It sounded like he sniffled. Was he crying?
Then, I heard him say to one of his customers, “It’s the onions.”
“Are you cooking with onions?
“No.” He laughed.
I closed my eyes tightly and smiled.
“You’d better get back to your customers.”
“Why couldn’t you still be here, Rana? You’re too damn far away, and I really need to kiss you right now for that.”
“I hope we can see each other soon.”
“You have to dance tonight, right?”
“No, the restaurant is closed for a private party, actually. I’m home tonight.”
“Good. I’ll call you around eight your time after I close down the truck. I’m gonna try to pay you back properly for those beautiful words you just said to me. Try to be home at that time.”
“I’ll be here.”
I was a useless ball of shit the rest of that day, waiting for Landon to call.
My mind kept racing, alternating between relief and panic.
On one hand, I had finally decided to put his history in perspective and where it belonged—in the past—and that made me feel like we could move on with a relationship.
On the other hand, I hadn’t aired my own dirty laundry and honestly didn’t know how doing so might affect things between us.
But telling Landon what happened with me would mean having to deal with something that I wasn’t truly ready to face, something that may change the way he saw me.
By the time he called, he’d unfortunately caught me in panic mode.
Landon barely had a chance to say hello when I hit him with my insecurities.
“I feel like a hypocrite, because even though you’ve opened up to me, I haven’t been able to do the same. But I am not as ready to deal with my own…stuff.”
“What if I assure you that there’s nothing you could ever tell me that would make me not want to be with you?”
“How could you truly say that?”
“Because it’s the truth.”
I’m not so sure about that, Landon.
“Did you murder someone?” he asked.
“No.”
“Is it something that would put you or me in physical harm?”
“No.”
“Are you gonna talk about it tonight with me?”
“No.”
“Then I’m gonna take my chances, okay? I think we’ve had enough stress recently. You sound really wound up in particular. Why don’t you just lie back and let me help you relax. I think we both need that.”
“How exactly are you gonna do that if you’re not here?”
“Are you challenging me? If that’s the case, I’d like to make you come, so you can sleep well tonight.”
“Um…wow, okay.”
“When was the last time you had a really good orgasm?”
Just hearing those words come out of his mouth made my legs weak.
Swallowing, I admitted, “I gave myself one in your bed the night you sucked on my breasts.”
“Shit, really?”
“Yes. You turned me on then left me to take care of it.” I laughed.