But I wanted her to have choices. Does she really want this?
The only thing I know is that I want her. I want everything with her, and I wish, for her sake, it wasn’t yet, but I wanted this eventually.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I love you so much.”
She exhales and smiles as if she were holding her breath that whole time, and climbs on top of me, straddling me.
“I love you, too.” She kisses me, her naked body molding to mine. “I was so nervous. I didn’t know if you’d want more kids, or—”
“Shh, baby,” I tell her, kissing her and holding her face. “I love you. I just…” I pause and then continue, looking up into her eyes. “You’re stuck with me now, aren’t you?”
She gives me a little smile, and I take her ass in my hands.
“I’ve seen lots of bad love, Pike,” she says. “We both have, haven’t we?” And then she does the barest of grinds on me, awakening my body immediately. “This is the good kind. When you find it, you keep it. Nothing is more important.”
I grow hard as she moves against me, and I hold her face, staring up into her eyes.
“Do you love me?” she asks.
“I’ll never stop loving you.”
She dives in, kissing me and hovering her lips over mine. “Then I’m so lucky,” she whispers. “We’re so lucky.”
I dig my hands into her and pull her closer, but there’s suddenly nothing there, and I blink my eyes open, seeing that my arms are empty. It was a dream, and I can’t slow my breathing. Whipping off the sheet, I sit up, swing my legs over the side, and bury my head in my hands.
“Fuck,” I choke out, my forehead covered in sweat.
I’m still hard, blood pulsing through my cock, because I can still feel as much now as I could two months ago. I’d give anything to have her in my arms right now.
Standing up, I pull on my jeans and head out of the bedroom. I pass Cole’s room where he’s asleep inside and quietly open Jordan’s door. Her room’s been closed up for eight weeks, and I’m overcome as soon as I inhale. She’s everywhere, and I close the door and switch on the light.
Her Home & Garden magazines lay at the bottom of her bed, and I look over to the desk, my eyes falling on its corner and remembering how beautiful she was that night. The boombox Dutch gave her sits on top, and I walk over, turning down the volume and pressing Play. I recognize Bruce Springsteen’s I’m On Fire come out of the speakers, and I adjust the volume again, not wanting to wake Cole.
Walking over to the bed, I sit down and listen to the song, looking around.
I can’t get away from her, and I never want to. I thought I was in love with Lindsay at one time, but I wasn’t. It wasn’t like this.
And I never even told her. She doesn’t know that I love her.
I never thought I’d say this, but Cramer is right. I would’ve loved her with everything I had. She was it for me. I would’ve gone to any length to make her happy for the rest of her life.
But I blew it.
Looking over, I spot a jar sitting on her bedside table, the label on front reading Dreams. I reach over and take it, studying the few dozen little scrolls of paper, all different colors and tied with gold string, piled inside.
My heart thumps in my ears, not wanting to invade her privacy, but I need to know. I need to know her dreams don’t include me or things I can give her. Her love clouds her mind. What she wrote here will be the truth.
Unscrewing the lid, I dump the scrolls on the bed and pick one up. I slide the string off, my stomach rolling with nerves as I unroll the first scroll.
Invent my own Christmas tradition.
I smile weakly, something like that sounding right up her alley. She’s creative, and I’d love to see what she comes up with.
Setting it down, I pick up another one and pull it apart, reading it.
Drive a convertible with the top down in the rain.
Yeah, I can just see her dragging me out for something like that, trying to get me to have some fun.
Picking up another scroll, my smile falls, and my mouth goes dry, readying myself again to see something I might not like. The pulse in my neck throbs as I unroll it.
Have a library in my house someday. Built-in bookshelves, leaves blowing outside, and a cushy chaise with cozy blankets.
I dig in my eyebrows and drop the paper, quickly picking up another.
I wonder if I can get Pike to stay in bed all day on a rainy day to watch movies.
I guarantee you, girl, watching movies won’t be all we do if we stay in bed all day.
I unroll another. Ride in a hot air balloon.
My breathing quickens as I keep unrolling scrolls, one right after another.
Adopt a dog
How do you make your own beer? I’d like to try that.
Take my kids for trips to the lake in the summers.
Install a clothesline in the backyard of my future house. No one has those anymore!
I blink. I just installed a clothesline. She has that now.
I keep going.
Run a marathon.
Keep a blanket in the trunk for spontaneous picnics.
See a parade.
Learn how to make chili.
Go four-wheeling.
Swim in the ocean.
Fill Pike’s truck bed with blankets and pillows and go star-gazing.
I keep reading scroll after scroll, finally unable to take anymore and pushing them away.
“Fuck,” I breathe out, my eyes stinging.
I can give her all this. Every single one of these things—her dreams, the life she wants—I can give it to her. All of it.
What did I think? She wanted wealth, power, and fame? What did she say on one of her first nights here?
I don’t care about the wedding. I just want the life.
She wants a home. She wants people to love.
She wanted me to want her. That’s all she wanted.
Tears I won’t let fall spring to my eyes. “What the fuck did I do?”
Pike
I take a deep breath and hold it in as I grip the door handle to Grounders. I tried calling Cam, and I even went to The Hook again, but I can’t find her. So Shel it is, I guess. I’m sure this is a waste of time—the woman has hated me since she met me—but I’m desperate.
Pulling the door open, I step inside, music and the smell of fried food instantly swarming me. Shel stands behind the bar with only three customers in front of her, and I look around the place, seeing a few tables filled but mostly empty. It’s a pretty quiet Monday night.
I crack my neck, bracing myself as I step up to the bar.
She sees me instantly and stops drying the glass as her back stiffens. “Cam, can you serve this guy?” she calls.
I glance at the other end and notice Jordan’s sister leaning over it. She must be covering Jordan’s shifts while she’s gone.
Her head rests in her hand as she talks to some patron, but as soon as her eyes lock with mine, she stands up straight, her smile falling.
Shel starts to walk away.
“Wait,” I say, stopping her. “I’m not staying.”
“Good.”
“I just—”
“I’m not going to tell you where she is,” she cuts me off.
I see Cam watching us, and I take another breath, squaring my shoulders. “I just need to know she’s okay.”
“She’s fine,” she replies curtly. “And she’ll be even better if she stays away from you and this town.”
I move in, dropping my voice. “I need to see her. Please.”
“You had her.”
Her eyes are nearly covered by her long black bangs, but I can see the hatred in them well enough.
I don’t want to bother Jordan. She’s stayed away, and I haven’t heard from her, so that tells me I think I did the right thing. She’s doing fine, and she’ll be happier.
But I’m not. This isn’t over for me. You need your heart to get out of bed, walk, talk, work, and eat, and she took it when she left. I wasn’t much before she came along, but what I did have inside me she left with. I’m fucking miserable.
“Please tell her…” I pause, admitting out loud what I was afraid to face. “That I love her.”
Shel doesn’t say anything, and I can’t even look in her eyes and see everything she’s thinking that I know is true. I fucked up.
I’m about to leave when Cam moves in.
“It’s been two months,” she says to Shel. “And he still looks like shit.”
“That’s not Jordan’s problem.”
“And we’re not Jordan’s keepers,” Cam retorts. “She walked away once, she can walk away again if that’s what she chooses. We don’t need to protect her.”
Shel hesitates, shoots me a glare, and finally gives up, walking around Cam to the other end of the bar.
Cam turns to me. “Look, we don’t know exactly where she is,” she says. “She calls and checks in every few weeks. But she has a friend whose family runs some motel in eastern Virginia. She’s been trying to get Jordan to come visit and even offered her a job there one summer.” She hesitates and then shrugs. “Without a lot of money, I can’t imagine Jordan has anywhere else to go.”
Virginia. That’s a twelve-hour drive. Would she have done that with the VW?
I guess if Cam says she’s calling, then she’s safe. And this is as good a lead as I’m going to get. Her fall classes start in a week, and if she were returning, she’d be doing it by now, wouldn’t she? She’d want her things out of my house, and she’d need to figure out where she was going to live. Was she planning on coming home at all?
I need to find her. I can’t wait.
I turn to leave but then stop. “What’s the name of the motel?” I ask Cam.
But she just sighs. “Hmm, can’t remember,” she says, playing with me. “I guess if you want her bad enough you’ll find her.”
And then she walks away, pleased with herself that she’s making it more difficult for me. I could call around, I guess, but if I do happen to find her, she might just hang up on me. I need to go find her.