“I’m fine. I’d rather be here.”
“If you don’t go home, then go to your sister’s,” she suggests. “Just please get some rest. You work any more hours today, you’re not going to be able to drive yourself home at all tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I open my mouth to argue, but she just shakes her head at me, knowing what I’m about to say.
“I’m not your mom,” she points out, “but I’m as good as. You need sleep. Get some food from the kitchen and go. Please.”
I do as Shel says, make myself a sandwich I don’t feel like eating, and climb into my car, turning on the engine. An Alice Cooper song is playing on the 80’s station I’m tuned to, but I turn it off, not in the mood at all for the escape I usually crave.
Home. It takes me a good twenty minutes of driving aimlessly around town, lost in my head, before I commit to whose home I’m going to. I need clothes and my school books, and even though I don’t want to see Pike, Cole, or his mother, I can’t use my sister’s make-up for another day. Everything has glitter in it.
As I pull onto Windy Park Place, I take in the stream of cars and trucks lining both sides of the street, as well as Pike’s full driveway. Some vehicles I recognize, some I don’t, but I slide into a slot between two cars in front of Cramer’s house, spotting the lights coming from over Pike’s fence in his backyard.
Cole must be having a party. Super.
Leaving my purse in the car, I take my keys, lock it, and walk toward the house, wanting to be anywhere but here, but knowing I need to do this. My skin buzzes with awareness, and the hair on my arms rises as the music floods my ears. But I charge up the porch steps, still dressed in my backless blouse from work. I tighten my high ponytail and just hope with all the people here, Pike and Cole don’t notice me come and go.
I enter the house and look around, seeing the back door bob closed as someone walks out, and then I hear the bathroom door close in the laundry room. The light under the door to the basement is on, and the chatter outside is almost as loud as the music. At least Cole is keeping people out of the house, for the most part. Pike is most likely not sleeping through this.
Gently stepping up the stairs, I walk quietly down the hallway, seeing Pike’s bedroom door closed and the light off inside. Cole’s door is also closed, and I open mine, peeking inside and seeing it empty. My bed is unmade from Cole’s mother sleeping in it last night, and I look around, using the light streaming in from outside to see. None of Lindsay’s things are in here, so maybe her apartment is done then. Leaving the light off, I grab my leather book bag and stuff in books and notebooks from my desk and start loading a duffel bag with clothes and anything else I’ll immediately need.
“Thought I heard someone come in,” a voice behind me says.
My heart stops, and I hesitate, instantly recognizing the voice. I close my eyes, willing him to go away.
Cole wouldn’t have invited him. He must be crashing the party.
Scissors sit on my desk in front of me, and I eye it, instinct kicking in.
“Cole broke up with Elena,” Jay tells me. “You gonna take him back?”
Broke up? Were they really together? I look down at my thumb, seeing the small scar in the darkness and barely feeling anything anymore. How he could always tug at my heart, but now, it seems like ages ago Cole gave a damn about me. I can’t even muster an ounce of longing tonight for the connection we once had.
Survival mode has kicked in. My brain is in control now, and it won’t give me the keys to my heart until it’s sure it can take it.
“You want a little revenge first?” Jay taunts, and I can hear his voice growing closer. “Come on, Jordan. I’ll give you a good fuck right now, right here.”
“As opposed to the terrible lay you always were?” I retort.
He says nothing, but I can just imagine the little snarl playing on his lips and the tingle he’s feeling in his hands that’s begging him to make me pay for that remark.
Taking the scissors in my hand, I turn and twist it around in my fingers, playing with it as I look at him.
He stands just inside my doorway, dressed in his jeans and T-shirt with his cold eyes glaring at me under dark brows.
“What you must have told yourself to convince that pea brain inside your head that you made me come so good,” I say coolly. “The three times we did it were so bad, I would lay there confused, and then amused, before finally breaking into tears that there was nothing about you that wasn’t absolutely pathetic.”
His top lip twitches, and right now, he’s gauging how likely he is to get away with what he wants to do to me with a backyard full of witnesses right outside my window.
“Now I’m simply terrified for every woman I see you with,” I continue, “but also secretly smiling, because I know after they fake how much they love your cock in bed, they’re in the bathroom, fingering themselves to a mental image of any guy in town who’s not you.”
He lurches forward a step, and I straighten, dropping my hands and squeezing my fist around the scissors. His eyes flash to the tool, and he stops.
“Get out of my room,” I tell him, my tone calm and even, “and don’t ever speak to me again.”
He hesitates a moment.
“Now,” I state.
His chest caves with heavy breaths, and I can hear the anger fuming inside of him.
He wants to rush me so badly.
But I’m not even scared. I feel nothing.
It takes his pride a moment to realize he won’t get far if I decide to scream, but after a moment, he backs away and finally turns, disappearing down the hallway. His footfalls hit the stairs, and I wait to hear the backdoor slam closed before I risk moving again.
He may not stay out of my way for good, but he has a track record of deciding I’m worth minimal effort before he moves on to someone else. Let’s hope he keeps doing that.
I finish packing my clothes and slip into the bathroom, collecting my toothbrush, razor, and shampoo, stuffing everything into my bag and zipping it up. Swinging both bags onto my shoulder, I leave the room, resisting the urge to look back, and head down the stairs and into the living room.
Pike stands just inside the front door, though, and I stop, both of our gazes locked on each other.
Shit. I was almost out of here.
“I was out looking for you,” he says. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
His gaze drops to my bags, and his fist curls around his keys. His voice drops to a whisper. “Don’t. Please.”
“Don’t what?” I step forward. “Don’t leave or don’t tell Cole?”
The party rages outside, and we stand in the darkened room, locked in a no-win battle. It’s simply a question of who gets hurt, and it’s a choice he still thinks he can get out of making.
He wants me, but he’s a coward.
“This had to end, right?” he chokes out, speaking only loud enough for me to hear. “In ten years, I’ll be nearly fucking fifty. I’m not going to saddle you with that. This was going to end. You know it always was.”
I do now. My eyes burn, tears welling, but it’s strange. I’m not sure I’m sad. What he says is almost a comfort, because I know this story. I’m used to it.
I walk for the door.
“I’m not ready to let you go,” he tells me, stepping in front of me. “Just not yet. I’m not done...” He searches for the words. “Talking to you and…loving you.” He takes my shoulders, moving us behind the front door, my back against the closet. “Let’s go somewhere. Just us. There’s a midnight showing tonight. Let’s go. Get out of here and away for a couple hours, and we’ll talk.”
I peer up at him. “Somewhere dark, right?”
In a theater where we won’t be seen?
He looks at me like that’s exactly what he was thinking, and he’s sorry for that, but it’s the way it is. “We’ll figure it out.” He plants his hands on both sides of my head on the door behind me and leans in. “Just not yet. Don’t leave yet.”
The numbness I’ve been feeling since last night wavers, and I hear him in my head. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere…
I have no doubt that’s true. And will always be true. Pike doesn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He’ll always look out for me.
And I can’t think of anything I’d rather be less to him than an obligation. I can’t be like Cole or his job, his house or his bills. I’m not a duty.
I’m everything else.
“Do you love me?” I ask. “Are you in love with me?
He holds my eyes, and even in the dark, I can see his eyes are red, tired, and hurting. But when he opens his mouth, no words come out.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter, I guess.” I give up. “You have no courage, so you won’t be forever.” I stand up straight, tightening my hand around the straps of my bags. “And in the end, you’ll wind up being nothing more than a waste of my time.”
His face falls, and he looks so completely deflated. He doesn’t have the conviction to do anything. All he knows is he doesn’t want me to go.
“Oh, this is too good,” someone says. “So that’s your kink, huh, Jordan?”
Pike and I jerk our heads to see Jay has just come out of the kitchen and stepped into the living room. Pike drops his hands and stands up straight, fixing Jay with a hard look.
“Come on, baby,” Jay taunts me, and I can smell the beer on his breath from here. “I’ll be your daddy and you can open your legs for me, too, for a little rent money.”
Pike lunges for him, and I gasp. He grabs Jay by the collar and whips him around, sending him flying through the storm door. Jay barely even flinches, probably because he knew what he was doing.
My heart stops, seeing him stumble onto the porch and Pike charge after him.
They both barrel down the stairs, a few people scattered around the lawn as they leave the party from the back gate or come in from their cars.