As large as Canada and the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m standing at the Vancouver airport just outside security. Jackie, Will, Ted, Tiffany and Carla have gathered around to say goodbye and I am trying my hardest not to start crying. I don’t know why, I’ve been crying all week long, why not start now?
But I want to show them that I’m brave and that I’m doing the right thing.
Lordy, though. I have no idea if I’m doing the smart thing.
The whole London move was completely impulsive, as was quitting Mad Men. I know I had been talking about leaving for a while now, even telling Jackie about it, but I thought it would happen after the contract was over with Emmett and I had gotten my money. That was the original plan from the start.
But now the contract is void. Or at least I’m assuming it is. I know via Will that Emmett and Autumn are no longer working together and I also know I’m not being held to the agreement anymore. I know I could get the money if I wanted, that Emmett would gladly hand it over, but I don’t want that. Not even a bit.
It was never about the money. Of course, I’m now heading to one of the most expensive places in the world with just my meager vacation pay and a bonus cheque that Will and Ted gave me for my years of service because they obviously felt sorry for me. Not that I’m complaining, though. It will be just enough for me to get by for a month, no more, but it’s something.
I’ll struggle. That’s a given. But that’s also part of the experience. I’m not going to London so that I can carve out the same safe and boring life I had in Vancouver. I’m doing it so I can truly live for once.
If anything, Emmett has been a big inspiration. The life he had over there, that’s what I want. I want to be busting my chops while trying to make it. I want to get a waitressing gig and run around to auditions and go to plays and drink beer and just be in a place where no one knows me, where I can be anonymous and be myself. Start over. No expectations. Just everything that’s real.
That’s why I’m doing this. And as last minute as it was, as crazy as it seems, it’s what’s right. I do feel bad about leaving Will and Ted so abruptly but Tiffany has been a great help in more ways than one. She’s not only moving into my role as office manager, something I know she’s had her eye on for a while, but she’s also moving into my role as roommate.
Yup. I felt like shit leaving Carla high and dry, even though she insisted she’d find a roommate pretty fast, though not one as awesome as me, of course. And then Tiffany said she’d be interested. She’s been dying to move out of her parent’s house for a while now and with the office manager job, she can finally afford it. I think what she really wants is to be able to bring Ken over without her parents breathing down her neck, but hey, whatever works for her.
So, while it sucks to be leaving Vancouver and my friends behind, I also know that I’m leaving them all in a good place. Tiffany will help Will, Ted and Carla. Jackie is definitely going to miss me but with the baby coming up, she’s got a lot to focus on.
That of course leaves Emmett.
He’s the one person not here.
He’s the one person I thought might show up at the last minute.
You know, a grand gesture?
That’s why I’m trying to stall things at security.
Even Will keeps looking over his shoulder like he expects him to come.
“Looking for someone?” I ask him hopefully.
But he just gives me a wane smile and doesn’t say a word.
“You better catch your flight, sweetheart,” Ted says, nodding at security. “I hope you packed all your knives in your checked luggage.”
Fuck. I’m going to miss these people.
“Are you going to cry?” Tiffany asks, inspecting me closely.
I dare to meet her eyes. Thank god she seems amused by all of this. I can’t even look at Jackie because she’s been sniffling and sobbing for the entire ride to the airport.
“Okay,” I say, taking in a shaky breath. “This is it.”
Jackie starts bawling. “This is all happening so fast,” she sobs.
“Oh, you overly emotional hormonal mess.” I pull her into a quick hug. “Hey, I’ll be back to visit. Hell, I might be back in a month.”
“If you come back early, you can always sleep on the couch,” Carla says, wrapping her arms around the both of us.
“But don’t think you can get your room back,” Tiffany says, throwing herself at us until we’re just a ball of hugs. “Or your job back.”
When I think I’ve had my share of the touchy-feely stuff, I break apart from them while they still hold onto each other. Sheesh. You’d think I was boarding a spaceship to a galaxy far away.
Will and Ted are naturally more reserved.
“Have a good one,” Ted says, shaking my hand and giving me a slap on the shoulder. “Give those Brits hell.”
“Goodbye Alyssa,” Will says, giving me a quick hug. “Break a leg, will you?”
Ugh. Jackie’s got a good hugger in this one.
I squeeze him back. “Thanks Will. I’ll do my best.”
I break apart and look at the faces of all my friends, wondering how the hell I’m leaving them behind.
But it’s happening. And no amount of doubt or sadness will change that.
“Bye,” I say, wiggling my fingers as I walk into the line. “Cheerio.”
“Top of the morning to you,” Tiffany responds.
I just shake my head, roll my eyes, and go through security.
There’s nothing like the airport to distract you from all your woes. While my heart is continually sinking, something else inside me is rising. Hope. Excitement. And yet having to battle security lines and getting to your gate and not losing your passport, really pushes all of that to the side.
It isn’t until I get on the plane that reality hits me.
And by the way, reality sucks.
Because I booked last minute through a super budget website, I didn’t have a choice of seat.
So, of course, my seat on this British Airways jumbo jet is in the very back of coach, in the middle of the middle.
I’m going to be sandwiched in a row of stinky strangers for ten hours. How will I even sleep? I can’t seem to stop battling either person on both sides of me for control of the armrest, leaving me completely squished in the middle. This is hell and we haven’t even taken off yet.
This is when I have time to think, of course.
And while I’m sad thinking about Jackie and Tiffany and the gang and I’m excited about what adventures London might bring, my heart is absolutely bereft about Emmett.
The truth is…I miss him deeply. And the fact that I’m flying far away without even saying goodbye, well, it hurts. It hurts like hell. I should have at least picked up the phone, read the emails. I should have at least listened to what he had to say.
I know that what he did was wrong and he knows it too. But Carla was right–it all comes down to trust. And while the images of him and Autumn are still seared in my mind, I’m starting to realize that it’s something I can overcome and move past. It’s something worth getting over if it means having Emmett back in my life.
But now that won’t happen. I was too stubborn and too impulsive to even give us a chance. The only thing that was ever really real.
Oh, please don’t start crying here. Not with these people. They don’t deserve your tears.
“Miss Martin?” the flight attendant says to me in her prim British accent, bringing my attention over to the aisle. She gives me a bright smile.
“Yes?” I ask. Oh shit. Am I in someone else’s seat? How embarrassing.
“You’ve been upgraded to first class,” she says.
Ding, ding, ding, ding! It’s like winning the fucking lottery. Every person around us is looking at me like you lucky bitch and, hell, I can’t blame them.
Still… “There must be some mistake,” I tell her. “I booked my ticket on FlyLow.” Which is a lousy name when you think about it.
“No mistake,” she says. “Please come with me.”
Now, wait a minute. Is “upgraded to first class” really just code for “you’re being kicked off the flight”? Is it because I’m wearing yoga pants? If this was United they would just drag me out by the hair but since this is British Airways, maybe they do things a little more discretely. Trickery and all that.