“I felt relieved,” I whisper, lowering my gaze once more.
“Pardon?” He asks dipping his face towards mine so he can see my face.
Clearing my throat, I lift my gaze to his and explain myself. “I felt relieved when I had a reason to divorce him.” I confess feeling tears drip onto my hands, which are gripping the coffee cup in my hands tighter.
“Why didn’t you have kids with him?”
I lift my head and my lips part. When Austin and I were young, we talked often about having children and the kind of parents we would be. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a baby with Ken, but he always told me the timing wasn’t right, that we should wait. He always had a reason not to try, until eventually I stopped talking to him about it, and it just became another ache deep inside me that would never be fulfilled.
“I know you, Lea. I know you wanted kids. Not just one, but five, I can’t imagine you not making your desire known.”
“I told him.”
“And, he told you no?”
“Yeah.” I shrug like it didn’t hurt every time I brought it up and he told me no.
“What did he give you?” he demands harshly.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“What did he give you that would make you stay loyal to him?”
“I don’t understand your question.” I shake my head.
“He wanted your love, Lea. He had you, but still wanted more. But what was he giving to you that would make you love him with every part of you?”
“He didn’t have to give me anything for me to love him,” I say, offended.
His voice softens along with his face as he reaches out touching my cheek. “You’re wrong, baby. That’s what love is—two people fulfilling the needs of the other person, giving the person what they want, what they need,”
“How can you feel like that?”
“Because, Lea, I know what I would have done if it was me.”
“But he wasn’t you.” And that is the point, isn’t it? No one would ever be Austin for me. No one would ever be able to fulfill the empty space I had inside me from his absence over the last fifteen years. No one but him
“No one has ever been you for me either, baby,” he says, and I hold my cup a little bit tighter as his words wash over me, like a balm that soothes and heals. I have no idea where this will lead between us, but it feels good to have him here to talk to.
“What about you?” I ask, studying him.
“What about me?”
“You know about my past, but I don’t really know much about yours,” I prompt.
“I’ve had a few relationships, cared deeply about a few of the women I was with, and wanted to be able to take the next step with one of them, but could never do it.”
I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking, but still, the words are out before I can think better of it, for the sake of my own heart. “What do you mean?”
“Thought I was in love once. She was messed up over her ex, but I still believed that if things worked out in the end that she would be mine.”
“Oh.” My heart drops into my stomach from a sharp, unexpected pain.
“She moved away and ended up back with her ex, who she had a baby with. They worked things out and are still going strong. I cared about her; she’s a good woman, but we weren’t meant to be. I’m happy for her. She deserves happiness.”
I lift my cup to my lips, taking another sip, not tasting anything as I swallow it down. I have no right to feel the tendrils of jealousy that are wrapping around me, but I do feel them, like a million barbs tightening around my stomach and lungs, strangling me.
“We both have a past, Lea.” He says reading my face.
“I know.” Looking at him now, I know how strong he is, so much stronger than me, and a much better person than I am. I don’t want to know about his past. I don’t want to hear about him loving someone else. Yes, I know that makes me selfish, but I hate the idea that he had a life without me. Yet, I’m still not brave enough to ask him why, if he had such a hard time being without me, did he not come for me. Honestly, I don’t want to hear the truth, whatever it may be. I would rather live in the moment and pretend there isn’t a million things we need to talk about, a million things that are standing between us.
Chapter 10
Lea
“I can’t believe Ken and Austin stayed the night at your house,” Rhonda says, scooting back in the bed, resting against the headboard.
This morning, after Austin and I talked and had breakfast, Ben called and asked if I could spend the day with Rhonda, because the doctor put her on bed rest and he didn’t want her to be alone. At that point Ken still hadn’t shown back up, and I honestly didn’t want to be there if he did, so I said of course and Austin dropped me off at their house, giving me a lingering kiss before taking off to do some work on his boat.
“It was definitely strange,” I agree, sitting down on the bed next to her.
“So Austin’s working?”
“Yeah, he told me he doesn’t have another opener for a few days, but he wanted to get everything set up with the boat before then,” I say, and she nods then her eyes go soft in concern.
“How was breakfast with both of them there?” she asks curiously.
“We didn’t have breakfast. We had coffee, and coffee turned into Austin flipping out and Ken apologizing for being a dick during our marriage then storming out of the house.”