Ryder slightly smiled. “I’ll fix what I’ve done.”
“I feel like your smile is a beautiful lie,” I whispered, “and that I can’t trust it any more than I can trust you.”
“But… but I just told you why I was the way I was.”
I nodded. “And I understand, but that doesn’t change anythin’ right now. I need space.”
“Don’t leave me on my own, Branna.” Ryder pleaded. “I’m begging you.”
“You’ve left me on my own for months whilst being right here with me, and I understand why, but it still hurts.” I countered. “Whatever we had faded to black.”
“No,” he hissed. “Nothing faded away because I still fucking love you more than life itself, and you love me, too. I know it.”
“Lovin’ you is easy, Ryder, but trustin’ you isn’t.”
“I know, and I’ll forever be sorry for causing you so much hurt.”
I was silent for a few moments just gathering my thoughts.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Ryder asked, his voice so low I barely heard him. “Could you ever reach a point where you think you could do that?”
Could I? I asked myself.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I need time to think.”
“I’ll give you time and space. I’ll give you whatever you need, I promise.”
He was grabbing onto my words like a lifeline.
“This won’t happen overnight, Ryder.” I said firmly. “I can’t just mend what’s been broken with the snap of my fingers, so make sure you give me time, okay? I can’t go back to the way things were before all this started just because I now know the truth; I have to do this slowly. We both do. I understand what you have told me, but me heart, it can’t just forgive and forget so easily.”
Ryder bobbed his head up and down. “I understand. I’ll do anything you want.”
I was relived he was going to do what I wanted without giving me hassle.
I blew out a breath. “Don’t come around lookin’ for me, okay? When I’m ready, I’ll come to you.”
“What… what if you never come to me?” he asked, fear laced in his tone.
“I can’t answer that, and I’m sorry if I’m being cruel, but right now, I need to do what’s best for me.”
After a moment, Ryder nodded. “Okay, sweetheart.”
He stood then, and it looked like he was going to lean down and either hug or kiss me, but he stopped himself and moved over to my bedroom door.
“I love you, Branna,” he said. “I have a shit way of showing it, but I love you, sweetness.”
He left then, and not long later, I burst into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying when I was the one who asked him to give me time and space. The confusion was killing me.
My mind felt one way, and my heart another.
I hated how mysterious Ryder had been over the last year and a half, and now I had become an enigma. That was fucking irony for you.
Two weeks later…
It had been fourteen days since Ryder told me the truth, and I was still in my room where I confined myself to so I could really think. Unless it was to eat, use the toilet or take a shower, I stayed in my room. I wished I could return to work to busy myself, but I was only two sessions into my scheduled six with the therapist The Health Board assigned me to, and it was difficult actually opening up to her without revealing any secrets that weren’t for her ears.
Even with her help, I was emotionally at a standstill because I didn’t know how to get my heart on the same track as my mind. I knew what happened with Ryder in full detail, and I understood every aspect of it, but I still resented him for the hurt he brought me over the last year and a half, even though he didn’t do it willingly.
While I felt anger, I didn’t know if it was directed solely at Ryder himself, or how he made me feel when he pushed me away. It was an on-going mental battle for me because I couldn’t make my mind up. It didn’t help that I missed him terribly either. Being so unsure about how I truly felt after everything I learned was hard when all I wanted was to be with him so we could deal with this together.
On one hand, I wanted to go to him and make a go of things because even if we had a bad rough patch, it was five years of my life with someone who I truly loved, and I wasn’t ready to just give up on that… but on the other hand, I was so emotionally destroyed that I wasn’t sure if I could ever get back to a place where I fully trusted Ryder, and if there was no trust, there was no relationship.
I turned my head and looked over at my door when a soft knock sounded.
“Come in,” I called.
The door creaked open, but instead of my sister checking up on me, it was Alec.
“Hey,” I said and sat upright. “Is everythin’ okay?”
He nodded and closed my door behind him. “Everything’s fine… Bronagh’s just worried about you. I told her I’d come and talk to you and pull a smile or something from you.”
“I just have to look at your ugly face and I smile.”
“Fuck you, too.”
I laughed, and it made Alec’s lips twitch as he crossed the room. I moved over so he could sit on the bed with me, and I smiled wide when he kicked his shoes off before he climbed onto it and relaxed back against a few of my pillows. I leaned back too, and together, we both stared at the ceiling.