I pretend the water running down my back is Evie’s hands soothing me, caressing me. I pretend that my own hand is hers, reaching around me from behind to stroke me, up and down, her little hand speeding up as the water splashes over both of us. I groan aloud. Her br**sts are pressed up against my back, her body slick with the water raining down on both of us. She rubs them against me, moaning at the friction as they pebble against my skin. The sound of the running water mixes with our combined moans. "Fuck, baby that feels so good."
She slides around me and goes down on her knees, taking me in her hot little mouth. I watch her as she moves her head, sucking and licking, the water lubricating my c**k so that she slides up and down effortlessly. "Oh baby, f**k, don’t stop," I grit out. She moans her agreement, speeding up as I run my hands over her wet hair. Fuck, it feels so amazing. I feel my balls pull up tightly, my orgasm swirling through my belly. "I’m gonna come, baby," I choke out. She pulls back, fisting me now as I come harder than I’ve ever come in my life. Her hand continues to milk me slowly as I come down. Holy f**k.
I wipe the se**n off the wall in front of me with my hand and I soap myself up one more time before standing under the spray for a few more minutes. I laugh quietly. Holy shit, if I come that hard just from the fantasy of her, what’s going to happen to me if I ever really have her?
I towel off and collapse on my bed. I marvel at what just happened. Sex, even by myself, has never been more than a release for me. I can’t honestly say I ever enjoyed it thoroughly because the emotions surrounding it have always been so negative for me. I’ve never allowed myself to fully enjoy it. It was always a means to an end for me – whether that end was for numbing purposes, to prove to Lauren that she didn’t own me, or for a physical release, it was never, ever a fulfilling experience. I don’t even know that I recognized that until this very moment. For the first time since I moved to San Diego, I had a good sexual experience and it was jacking off in my f**king shower to a fantasy of Evie. Holy shit.
CHAPTER 9
I flip blankly through the channels on the television mounted on the wall in front of me, finding nothing of interest. I turn it off and set the remote on the table next to me, as my room door swings open. I turn my head, my brows snapping down immediately. It’s f**king Lauren. What the hell? The nurses know that she’s on a "do not allow" visitors list. She must have sneaked past them somehow. I grab for the call button but Lauren swoops over and places it just out of my reach. She sits down, grabbing my hands and saying, "Jake, stop. I just want a minute. Please. Do you know what I’ve been going through, not being able to see you? Not being able to comfort you? I love you, honey."
"You don’t love me," I spit out. "What you feel for me is not love. It never was. It was sex. Sex that was wrong and dirty and manipulative and ruined my f**king life. And then ended Phil’s life, too. Remember him, Lauren? Your HUSBAND? You need to get out of here."
She pauses, then leans over and tries to move a piece of hair off my forehead, I draw back from her hand. "No."
"Oh, Jake, of course I think of Phil. But that wasn’t our fault. He never took very good care of himself… always working." She pauses, studying her fingernails. "It was going to be for the best that he found out about us. We should have told him years ago… What we HAVE, what we’ve always had, is not wrong or dirty. You just need to get over your guilt and you’ll realize that. You don’t have anything to feel guilty for. We fell in love. There’s nothing to be ashamed of there."
I’m staring at her, my eyes narrowed. Jesus, she lives in her own world. "Lauren, you’re delusional. I never fell in love with you. You were supposed to be a MOM to me. The sooner you get that through your head that I NEVER loved you, the easier it will be on both of us. This is not productive. You need to leave. If you won’t give me the call button then I’m going to start yelling. You need to hear me for once in your self-absorbed life."
She’s quiet a minute, then shakes her head. "No, you don’t know what you’re saying. They have you on so much medication. You’re not thinking straight. One more time between us and you’d remember why we belong together. Remember it, Jake? Those nights in your room..."
I feel myself shutting down now. "I used to sneak down to your liquor cabinet afterwards and do four shots of bourbon just so I could fall back to sleep, Lauren. What does that tell you?" I had done it instead of the alternative, which was crying like a bitch, so confused and horrified over my body’s betrayal.
She laughs. "I was thinking of you, too. It was hard for me to sleep, too, honey."
That’s not what I meant but she’s too self-involved to realize that. I pause for only a second. "MISSY! SUSAN!" I yell at the top of my lungs for the nurses who are on duty right now as Lauren startles at my sudden, booming voice. I hate feeling helpless in the presence of this woman, calling for my nurses like I’m a child. But I refuse to spend another second with her, especially like this, unable to move, like a fly in her spider web.
"Oh stop, Jake. Fine, I’m leaving." She stands up, but instead of stepping back, she leans forward and plants her mouth on mine, licking my closed lips, trying to gain entrance. Before I can make a move, the door flies open and Missy and Dr. Fox stand there staring at us. Lauren steps back, wiping her mouth and smiles brightly at me. "Don’t forget to put me back on the visitors list, Jake. I’ll be back soon." Then she breezes out, leaving all three of us staring after her.