I try to pay for her groceries, but she glares at me and pushes my money away. I’m irritated. Something has shifted in my mind. She’s mine and I want more than ever to take care of her. But she’s independent and I know that she needs me to respect that. And I know that that would be true whether she knew who I really was or not.
We make our way back to her apartment. I’m hoping to God she’ll invite me in when we get there. I want to spend more time with her.
"So, can I ask what you meant when you said you didn't give your father much reason to trust you?" she asks, a slight frown on her face. She’s probably wondering if I’m a trustworthy person. I almost groan out loud, guilt washing over me.
I sigh. At least I can tell the truth here. I stare ahead as I say, "I was a screw up of a kid. I was selfish and messed up and I did everything my father hoped I wouldn't do. If it was self-destructive, I was first in line. Not exactly any parent's dream."
She looks at me sadly but doesn’t say anything.
When we get to the front door of her building, she nudges the door open with her foot and passes through.
I feel my jaw tense. "There's no lock on the outside door?"
"Ah, no. I've called the landlord several times, but clearly, it's not his first priority. It's okay. This is a pretty safe neighborhood. No one's gonna step up and call it World's Greatest, but it's decent," she jokes.
I’m pissed. This is unacceptable. I make a mental note to call her landlord the second I get to my office.
We stop just outside her door and I set her grocery bags on the floor and wait for her to take her key out. She doesn’t. "Um, so, thanks, Jake," she says instead, obviously not intending to invite me in. Damn. I can’t really blame her though. I’m practically a stranger as far as she knows. "It was a way more enjoyable trip than I expected it to be." She smiles politely.
Both of our heads turn as a big, beefy black guy, probably in his mid forties, opens his apartment door and stands there with his arms crossed, looking at me suspiciously.
"Hi, Maurice." Evie grins. "This is Jake. I'm good. It's good, um, we're good."
Maurice continues to look at me as if he’s considering whether to tear out my throat with his teeth or his bare hands. I try to diffuse the situation, putting on my most innocent smile and stepping forward. "Maurice," I say.
Maurice finally relents and shakes my outstretched hand. "Jake."
This is good. This guy looks like he could break a normal sized man in half and he’s obviously protective of Evie. Until I can take over the job, Maurice will do.
"Ah, thanks, Maurice. So I'll see you later?" Evie smiles.
Maurice pauses another minute and then, "Right. I'm just inside the door here, Evie. You need me, you call, yeah?"
"Yeah, Maurice," she says softly.
Maurice closes the door to his apartment and I look back at Evie, glancing between her and the door. Still, no go. Alright, plan B. I run my hand through my hair saying a silent prayer that she says yes to my next question. "Okay, I get it. I'm not invited in. Can I at least have your phone number?"
She pauses and I hold my breath. The last time I was nervous about asking a girl out, I was a teenager and it was the same girl.
"Give me your phone," she finally says and I exhale, handing it to her. She programs in her number and hands it back.
I grin at her and turn to walk away, saying, "I'm done stalking you, Evie. We've just elevated our status for real." She has no idea.
She laughs and calls after me. "You take all the fun out of everything. You know that, Jake Madsen?" I walk out the door grinning like a fool.
**********
It takes me almost an hour to find Seth’s small metal marker, half covered with grass and leaves. I squat down and push the debris aside, reading the words, "Seth Michael McKenna, April 7, 1986 to July 27, 2003." No "beloved" or "our little boy," nothing to give any indication that he was anything to anyone. But he was someone to me. My throat locks up as I pluck another leaf off that has just floated down from the large maple nearby. I rest my elbows on my thighs and say out loud, "Hey buddy." I let the silence stretch for long minutes, almost expecting to hear his giggle, his sweet voice saying, "Weeeo."
"I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I talk to you a lot, I have a feeling you hear me. But I should have come here. Seeing where you are, it just feels so… real, I guess." I stare down at his marker for several minutes before I go on.
"I'm so sorry, buddy. I hope wherever you are that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." I pause, gathering myself. "You must have wondered where I was, all those years. You must have wondered what you did wrong. All your life, you must have wondered what you did wrong. And I wasn't there to tell you that you did everything right. Buddy, with what you were given, you did everything right. And I never came back for you. And I have to live with that. But you had to live with that too, and it must have confused you and hurt you." Tears are sliding down my cheeks now, but I let them fall because Seth deserves each and every one of them. Fuck my pride. I sigh and collect myself a little, plucking at the grass. "Remember when dad came home that time rip roaring drunk and me and mom were so damn tense, walking on eggshells? And he turned away and you started mimicking him by teetering around and going squinty eyed?" I laugh out loud at the memory. "Mom thought you were just being you, she was too wrapped up in her own world to notice who you were. But I saw what you were doing and it cracked me up so much I started laughing out loud. Dad decked me because he thought I was making fun of him, which I was, actually. But, f**k, Seth, it was worth it because we were in on the joke together and that was f**king awesome. We connected and those were the moments I lived for with you. I wore that black eye around for two weeks, proudly. I hope you carried a few moments like that with you, too. I hope you know that I saw you. And I hope you know that I needed you too, buddy."