“Poke what at you?”
“Ha. That too.”
We went upstairs and I ran a hot shower in the bathroom across the hall from my bedroom. As we slipped beneath the spray, Theo asked if he could wash my hair.
“Sure,” I said, surprised. “My shampoo is right there.” I got my hair wet and turned my back to him, smiling blissfully as he lathered my head and massaged my scalp.
Afterward, I applied the conditioner and let Theo soap me up, laughing at how serious he was taking the job, and the way he claimed every new part of my body he touched was his favorite part. When I was all rinsed off, we switched places and I lathered him up from head to toe, running my hands along all his limbs, sliding my palms over rippling abs, rising on tiptoe to wash his hair.
Once he was rinsed, he pulled me under the water with him and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head on his chest and twined my arms around his waist. His heart beat steadily against my cheek.
For a minute, neither of us said anything. Steam rose up around us, and water cascaded down our bodies, but we were still. I felt warm and safe in his arms.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?”
“For trusting me. It means everything.”
I hugged him tighter. Kissed his chest. “I know.”
* * *
“I think we missed New Year’s.” We were finally worn out, cuddled up beneath the covers in the same bed we’d slept in last night.
“Hold on, I’m trying to think of a joke about balls dropping.”
I laughed, pressing as much of my skin to his as possible. “I can imagine.”
We were silent for a moment, his fingertips brushing idly back and forth on my shoulder. “Home tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “As long as the roads permit it. I wish we didn’t have to go. I love it up here, just the two of us, no noise. But I would like you to meet my friends, eventually. And introduce you to my dad.”
His body tensed. “The judge?”
“Yes. But stop worrying. My father is not a fire and brimstone kind of guy. He’s very kind and has always believed in rehabilitation. And we don’t even have to tell him about your past. It’s not his business.”
“The record is easily found.”
“It’s not important anymore. And it doesn’t matter to me.”
He breathed easier. “OK.”
“And we already know my mother adores you.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. Trust me, she’ll be cooking meals for you in no time. Baking cookies for you. Picking out sweaters for you.”
He laughed a little. “She sounds like a great mom.”
“A little overbearing, but yes. She loves to mother people.”
We were silent again for a while, and I thought he’d fallen asleep, but he spoke again. “I don’t even remember my mother.”
A chill ran up my spine. “No?”
“No. She left when I was only one.”
“I don’t know how any mother could do that,” I said.
“She left a note. It said, ‘Tell the boys I love them.’”
The chill turned to goosebumps that blanketed my arms. “I’m…I’m sure she did, in her own way.”
“But not enough.”
I didn’t know what to say.
A moment later, he said, “Doesn’t matter anyway.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Nah. Like I said. I don’t even remember her.”
He didn’t say anything more, but I didn’t believe him that it didn’t matter. What did that do to someone, to be abandoned by a mother who’d said she loved him?
I thought about how different my family was than his, how opposite our childhoods had been. The more I learned about Theo’s past, the more amazed I was that he’d grown into such a warm, easygoing person. In many ways, he was much more at ease with himself than I was. But how much of that was an act, a mask he wore so he could keep the painful stuff buried?
No wonder he didn’t like getting close to people. On some subconscious level, he was probably always worried they were going to leave.
‘I’ve fucked up every good thing in my life by giving up on it. Running away from it.’
Because he was scared to stay.
‘And the reason I don’t let anyone get close to me is because I know I’ll disappoint them.’
No, it was because he didn’t think he was enough to make them stay. If she hadn’t…why would anyone else?
A lump built in my throat, but I fought off the tears by concentrating on the warmth of Theo’s body, the smell of his skin, the beat of his heart. He fell asleep first, and I kept still, wrapped in his arms and lulled by the deep, slow rhythm of his breathing.
But I was awake for a long time.
Twenty-Seven
Theo
* * *
The snow had ceased during the night, and reports said the highways were fine, so we decided to take off. Claire had things she needed to get done before school started again, and I had a ton of shit to figure out, too. We drove home separately, and even though I missed her two minutes after I hit the road, I was glad for the time to think.
Things had gone pretty damn near perfectly.
I’d told her exactly who I was, admitted all the shit I’d done, and warned her it wasn’t easy to get close to me. But actually…it had been kind of easy. Or maybe she just made it feel easy. She didn’t judge me, didn’t tell me I was damaged, didn’t insist I fix X,Y, and Z about myself before she’d consider giving me another chance. I’d known from the start she had a heart big enough to let me in, but I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to be there. Or how quickly I’d want her in mine.