Cheyenne’s quiet for a few second. I’m too messed up to worry about it.
“Sure…yeah. Okay. I can do that.”
And then nothing.
~CHAPTER TWENTY~
Cheyenne
My sleep is unbroken for only the second time since I found out about mom. It feels good to get a full night. Not to be chased and plagued by nightmares that make me feel weak. Of memories I can’t change, and questions I’ll probably never have answers to.
I can’t believe Colt asked me to go see his mom. I wonder if he meant it. If it will be one of those things people say when they’re too drunk to know better, and try to forget afterward. It’s what I’m assuming. I don’t know how I feel about it either way so in some aspects, it would be easier if he forgets.
It felt good to be asked though. I wonder why he did. I know it couldn’t have been something he wanted, which means somehow his mom knows about me. What did he tell her? That I’m the reason he was late the other day? Some messed up girl he’s messing around with?
But not really. I’m the girl he’s supposed to be having fun with, but we really haven’t done much.
Colt’s hand grips my waist and squeezes. Not too tight, but strong enough that I know he’s there. That he’s awake. My heart speeds up and I breathe harder.
“No more games. I want you,” he says into my ear. His breath is warm. His whole body is as he molds against my back. I feel his erection as he nudges against me.
“Roll over, Cheyenne.”
I do what he says and his mouth comes down on mine. It’s more urgent and needy than all our other kisses combined.
“I thought beer didn’t taste good the next day?” I ask when his mouth moves down to my neck.
“No time.” Colt licks my collarbone and then sucks my flesh into this mouth. I moan and arch toward him.
He’s putting up the barriers again. I know it, but I don’t care. We need them there so both of us remember exactly what this is about.
So both of us are able to forget.
Colt pushes my shirt up and I lift so he can get it over my head. I want it gone. Nothing between us because his hands feel so good on me. When he touches me I don’t think of anything else. Don’t feel anything else and all I need is that reprieve.
My bra comes next. I don’t have time to feel embarrassed because his hot, wet mouth covers my nipple and again all there is, is Colt.
I tighten a hand in his hair, fisting it, not sure if I’m trying to pull him closer because I need more or pushing him away because it’s too much.
He groans. From my pulling his hair or because I feel as good to him or he does to me, I don’t know and I don’t care. I let my other hand slide down the smooth plane of his back, under his boxer-briefs and cup him.
“Fuck,” He rasps and moves against my center. He curses too much and I want to tell him, but I don’t think I can form words right now. He’s so hard, nudged between my legs and rubbing me just right.
And then he’s gone and I miss the weight on top of me. Colt’s looking down at me with those blue, blue eyes, his hair even more tousled then I’ve ever seen it.
“Are you sure?” he confirms. I almost smile because he asked. He’s so hard and rough, but he has this caring side I don’t know if he realizes is there.
I’m not sure it’s a good thing that it’s there, so I say, “I’m smart enough to know what I want.”
Without a word he climbs off the bed. I watch the sinewy muscles of his back move as he walks to his dresser, opens the top drawer and pulls out a condom.
Nerves suddenly sneak their way in. I’ve only ever been with Gregory. I only planned to be with him because we worked and he gave me what I needed, but now, even though I know more than anything I want Colt, it scares me.
Maybe the fact that I want him so much is what freaks me out.
I reach for the blanket, but he tsks at me. “Don’t do that. You’re not shy, Tiny Dancer.” And that easily, he pushes his boxer-briefs down. No shame, not that he has anything to be shameful about, but he bares himself physically so easily. Maybe it’s because the rest of him is so shut away.
Colt climbs over me on the bed. I don’t know what emotion to focus on: passion or nerves, but then he’s pulling my panties down my legs.
And he’s rolling the condom on.
When his lips kiss my lower stomach, passion wins out. Then his mouth finds mine.
He’s pushing in and I’m crying out, my nails in his back, my mind shut off.
Yes, my mind is shut off, but my body is definitely on.
Colt starts to move and I move with him. It hurts slightly, but his lips on my mouth and his hand on my breast helps to dull the pain. Both physical ache and the one weighing heavily on my chest that’s been there since I found out about Mom.
Maybe longer.
***
Neither of us says a word as Colt gets up to get rid of the condom.
Not a word when he climbs back into bed.
Not a word while we lie there…and lie there.
The nerves are back, topped off with awkwardness. If this was Gregory, he would have passed out holding me. Colt’s eyes are open and so are mine, his right arm and my left arm the only part of us touching.
“I should probably get going. I have some stuff to take care of.” Despite my words. I don’t move.
“Okay. Yeah, whenever you want, I can bring you back.”
I get up and start to get dressed. I hate putting the same thing on two days in a row and can’t wait to get back to the dorm to change. But still, I will him to say something. Anything. I don’t need him to ask me to stay, but some kind of anything would help calm the storm in my stomach.
Colt sits on the edge of the bed, grabs my shirt and hands it to me. I pull it on, telling him I have to go to the restroom and leave before he can get up.
I splash water on my face, hoping it can wash away the past few weeks of my life. When I look in the mirror, it’s all still there. I’m still there.
But I feel okay. The first time I slept with Gregory I freaked out. Went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and had a panic attack he never knew about. He didn’t know about any of them. Once I calmed down I washed my face like I just did here and went back into the room smiling.
It feels good not to have to smile if I don’t want to.
Colt’s standing in his room when I get there. He’s wearing a pair of long, cargo shorts and a t-shirt. It shouldn’t look as gorgeous on him as it does.
He picks up sunglasses and slips them on. It’s the first time I’ve seen him wear them and can’t stop myself from asking, “Have a little too much to drink last night?”
“I’m cool.” His voice sounds distant. I’m sure he’s like this with every girl he sleeps with. I don’t know why I didn’t really expect it with us. I don’t know if I care or not. I definitely shouldn’t care.
I shake my head and walk out of the room. I’m not dealing with this. It’s supposed to be easy and if he’s going to be a jerk afterward, it’s not worth it.
Colt follows me out and we’re quiet for the ten minute drive to my dorm.
“Let me know…about your mom.” I reach for the handle as he pulls into the lot.
The only reply I get is a nod of his head. Again, whatever.
I open the door, get out and close it. We’re supposed to be old enough to sleep together without it being awkward the next day. Especially when I can tell that’s what he does—sleeps with people he never plans on being serious about.
I’m almost to the steps when I hear him yell, “Chey!” I turn and Colt’s standing outside the driver’s door looking at me.
Seconds pass by and he doesn’t say anything.
“Tick tock,” I say.
“Did it help?” His words come out unsure.
The tightness in my shoulders evaporates. I let out a deep breath and suddenly know we’ll be okay. That whatever it is—this charade we’re playing is still intact.
“Yeah…yeah it did. You?”
Then he smiles. It’s not a huge one and I can’t see well enough to know if his dimple is showing.
“Yep.” Colt climbs back into his car and then he’s gone.
I chuckle as I go inside. Smile again when I walk into my room. I’m not there for a minute before my phone rings.
One glance takes the smile from my face. I know I can’t keep ignoring her.
“Hey,” I say to Aunt Lily when I pick up the phone.
“Cheyenne! I’ve been so worried about you. Don’t avoid me like that anymore. I know it’s hard…but we have to stick together.”
And I know what she’s saying. She’s Mom’s sister. I’m her daughter. We’re all that’s left of her. I hate how I’m treating her, but can’t seem to stop either. Can’t let her in.
My hand tightens around my phone.
“I won’t.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” Am I?
Aunt Lily sighs. “We want to have a service for her, Cheyenne.”
“What!?” I pace the room. My heart has a seizure and my chest tightens. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out.
Why is this even a surprise? I should have expected it. It’s normal, but…
“She deserves it. I want to say goodbye.”
Does she deserve it? Yes she does, but then she left me. She still left me and it was so normal for her that we didn’t think twice about her never coming back. What if she went in those woods and killed herself?
“I…”
“It will be good for us, Cheyenne. I want a place to go see her. She’s been alone all this time.” Lily’s voice cracks. “She was my baby sister.” The pain in her voice stabs into me.
She was my mom. What’s wrong with me?
“I know. I’m sorry. Let’s do it.”
The words come out, but I don’t mean them. If I tell her goodbye, that means she’ll really be gone.