"I do." And then she puts her hands behind her back to take off her bra.
My brain ceases to work. My body hums to life. A damn electrical storm is coming to life beneath my skin.
"I—"
She cuts me off. "I'm a big girl, Jaden. I know what I want." Her voice shakes a little, but in her eyes I can see she's serious.
I close my eyes. Right or wrong, there's no way I can walk away from this. From her.
My hands find her arms and gently pull them away from her bra. I can tell she's about to argue with me, but stops when I reach around her and close the sliding glass door.
I step behind her, push her hair out of the way, and kiss her shoulder. Little bumps pop up all over her skin. I kiss her again as my hands start to work the clasp on her bra. As I open it, slide the straps down her arms.
I can't believe this is happening. That I'm here with her—like this.
I'm scared to death I won't be able to make it last.
When it drops to the floor, I step around her again. Look at her because there is absolutely nowhere else my eyes can be right now.
"Dios," Is the first word that comes out of my mouth, which is absolutely ridiculous. She's the one who talks Spanish, not me, but it's all I have.
She giggles nervously.
"You're beautiful," I tell her.
And then I lead her to the bed.
***
Priscilla's hand is on my bare chest, her head resting on my arm. We're laying here, quiet for what feels like ten years. I want to ask her if she's okay. If she regrets it, regrets me, but I'm too freaked out by what she might say, so I just hold her and stroke her and try not to concentrate on seeing her and what we did over and over in my head.
"Jaden?" she finally says after who knows how long.
"Yeah?"
"I...I want to tell you I'm sorry. All those times I call you names. When I say stupid or idiot. I didn't mean it. Not really. It's just—"
"Hey. No worries. It's cool. I like it when I make you all feisty like that."
She doesn't laugh like I want her to.
"It's not right. I shouldn't have said it because you're none of those things. It's wrong and I'm sorry."
The things this girl does to me. I'm on fire here. I actually think I want to cry. I don't remember the last time I did that, and I won't let myself now, but she's so freaking incredible.
"I'm sorry, too. For almost kissing you at the party—actually, for not kissing you at the party. For being so weak this whole year. I should have trusted you. I do, I mean. It's just—"
"It's okay. just don't shut me out. No matter what, we're friends, Jay. Always."
More time passes and we lay there. I think about her clothes on the floor and her bare body under the blanket. More than that I think about all the laughs we've had and the fun. All the years we've known each other and all the good things that have happened. Of the way I would do anything for her and the fact that I think she would do anything for me too.
"Can I tell you something?" It's easier that I'm not looking at her as I speak.
"You can tell me anything."
I know. "I want New York. I don't want to go to Texas. I mean...who's the voice of reason if I leave you guys?" How can I leave you?
"Don't pretend to joke, Jay. Not now. And if you want New York, come with us. You deserve to have anything you want. We'll make it work if that's what you really want."
I do. But can I have it?
She takes a few breaths and I know she's working up to something. Priscilla rolls onto her stomach and looks at me. "You know...if you wanted to go see your real dad, I would go with you. It might help. To talk to him."
I shake my head. "It won't." What I really mean is I can't. I can't risk seeing first hand that he doesn't want me either.
Chapter Sixteen
I'm still in shock for several reasons when I wake up the next morning.
I told Priscilla about my family. I haven't talked to anyone about it, ever. None of my best friends. Why not? The world didn't explode. I didn't. I actually might feel better.
And Priscilla. Holy shit. She loves me? Me? And we...
Stupidly, I freeze as though I'm doing something wrong when she stirs next to me. She snored last night, but it didn't matter. She's still the sexiest girl I've ever seen. I let my hand move up and down her back, watching as she gets goose bumps. Watching her dark skin flush.
I love her, too. I've always known it. Even when I didn't want to admit it.
"You're nothing." Mike's words come back, but that can't be true. I can't be nothing if she loves me.
When a knock sounds on the door, I jump out of bed. A condom wrapper crunches beneath my feet. Priscilla doesn't move. Knowing it's Sebastian, I make sure she's covered up before I pull my shorts on.
I open the door only about three inches, not taking the chance he can see inside. "What's up?" I scratch my head and for some reason he's speechless.
Sebastian is looking at me all wide-eyed and shocked. "Holy shit!"
Holy shit? I push out the door and close it behind me. I have no idea how he knows, but he does.
"Holy shit!" he says again.
"Dude, shut up!"
He shakes his head. "I'm shutting, I'm shutting, it's just... Holy shit! I'm trippin' out here. You have a hickey on your neck!"
I cover it like that will make him forget about it or something. "Seriously, Sebastian. I'm going to punch you in the mouth if you don't shut it. You better not say anything. I don't want her to be embarrassed."
"I won't. I'm not an idiot." He crosses his arms and I notice he's already dressed. I forgot we're supposed to leave Chicago today, which means it's early and Priscilla and I are behind.
All of a sudden, the shocked look on his face starts to morph into something different. He's serious when he looks at me and says, "If you leave now, you're going to break her heart, Jay. I love you, man, and you're like my brother, but I'll kick your ass if you hurt her."
I roll my eyes. "Whatever."
"I'm not playing around here. You wanted to do the same thing to me when it came to Aspen last year. I screwed up, don't do the same. It will be even worse now."
He's right. I lean against the wall and slide down it. He sits next to me on the floor. My feet are on the ground, my knees up with my arms resting on them and he's the same. "I won't hurt her. I'm gonna," I shrug,"I'm gonna do the New York thing. You have a roommate again." I hit him.
"Oh..."
"Oh? What do you mean, oh?"
"I just... I was going to stay with them. Pris and Aspen figured they could hide me in their place. It's not like Pris's parents will be out there much. I'm sure I could get it past Mom. Or hell, I could just tell her. She's not stupid and she wouldn't have to know Pris's parents would freak."
They're the ones who are fronting most of the money for their apartment. Aspen's parents were helping, but I'm pretty sure it's mostly Priscilla's gig and I'm pretty sure it's expensive too.
"No worries, though. I haven't told Ma yet so we can still get our place."
On the other side of New York.
"I don't want to screw things up if you want to stay with them." Like he doesn't want to live with his girlfriend?
"Shut the hell up." Sebastian holds out his fist. "It wouldn't have been the same without you."
For the first time in a while, I bump it.
***
I hold Pris' hand while we're sitting in the back of the Explorer. Aspen looks back at us about a million times the first couple hours and I can see the questions all over her face. I'm hoping there are answers to them.
I know I love her—but I haven't told her.
I know last night meant a lot to me—which I did tell her.
I know I want to be with her—but I still don't know if I deserve her.
I know I want New York—but I still don't know if I can make it work.
It's not like I've been real careful with my money on this trip. I wasn't planning on needing it for New York anymore. Will I be able to help Bastian with rent? Find a job? I'm scared I won't be able to find one, and I’m also freaked I will. I don't want to be the loser who's not in school when the rest of them are this Fall, but how will I swing that on such short notice, too?
And when she's there...with all those guys who are way better than me and actually making something of themselves, she'll realize even more that I'm nothing.
Priscilla squeezes my hand and drops her head onto my shoulder. "Stop overthinking. I hear the wheels turning over there."
I laugh because what else can I do? This girl knows me better than anyone.
Aspen looks over her shoulder again. Looks at our hands and Priscilla leaning on me and I see all the questions in her eyes. I have a feeling they're in desperate need for some girl time. Which, honestly, scares the Hell out of me. All guys are probably nervous about what is said about them during girl-talk.
But then I look down and see Priscilla smile at her and I wonder if she needs it, too.
"Sebastian, stop at the next gas station, yeah?"
About fifteen minutes later he pulls off the freeway and stops at a gas station. The girls climb out of the car and head straight to the bathroom together.
Sebastian nudges me. "You know they're in there talking about you, right?"
"Yeah, man. Thanks for reminding me."
"Got something to worry about?" He moves out of the way as I swing at him.
"Shut up." As far as comebacks go, it could use some work, but right now it's all I have. "Care if I sit up front with you? Let them do their thing if they need to?"
"Nah, it's cool."
He goes ahead and fills the tank while I run in and grab some munchies. The girls are standing with him when I come out.